Hello World (Redux) + TMI

After going on an unexpected hiatus, I'm back! I moved into a new apartment, got another job, made some new friends, and discovered my inner bitch. I still have no idea what the hell I'm doing with my life, but it's not such a big deal right now.

Anyway, to celebrate my return, I'm going to do the TMI from Sept. 11th:

The Big O

1 – Do you remember your first orgasm? How old were you? Tell us about it.

I do remember my first orgasm. I was ten. It scared the hell out of me (afterwards). Before it happened, I wasn't particularly sexual. I was curious about sex in a "exploring bodies" kind of way, but it was all looking and maybe some poking around, but nothing else. The orgasm came more or less spontaneously around the same time as my first period. I was in the bathroom when this feeling shot up from my pussy and slowly spread into the rest of me. I'd never felt anything like it before. It was incredible and, even better, it lingered. Later on (it may have been right after the orgasm) I noticed blood in my underwear. Later still, I found out that some women get incredibly horny before their periods and I just happened to be one of those lucky few. For the next year or two after that, I spent very many frustrating hours trying to recreate the experience at will. I'll still get so excited that I'll come accidentally, but I have a much better control over it thanks to those first experiences.

2 – What is your favorite way to orgasm? (Sex, g-spot/p-spot, oral, etc).

I really, really, really enjoy being fingered. Like, really. I'm usually not very vocal in bed, maybe some light moaning or heavy breathing every now and again, but I become a screaming banshee for a few skilled fingers. If you do the "come-hither" motion while inside me, I'll probably try to bite or scratch you (in gratitude, of course). I still need my clit stroked in order to come, but when everything is working in harmony, it's always one of my more stronger and surprising orgasms. Surprising because sometimes I'll also squirt, but I usually don't know beforehand if that will happen.

3 – Are there any ways you want to experience an orgasm but haven’t yet? (oral, p-spot/g-spot, with or without a vibrator, squirt, etc).

I want to have an oral orgasm, preferably while sitting on someone's face. I was really close to having one with my ex, but she ruined it by talking (insert joke about not talking with your mouth full). Call me a control freak, but I loved the feeling of being on top and riding her tongue.

4 – Have you ever had an orgasm in your sleep?

Yep. It was the strangest thing because I don't even think I was dreaming about anything particularly sexy. The orgasm stretched out and I woke up near the end of it. I've only done it twice, but both times felt amazing.

5 – What is the easiest/fastest way for you to have an orgasm?

My clit. If she's happy, then everything else falls into place.

6 – How many times a week do you try to reach orgasm?

I shoot for seven times a week, or about once a day. It's the best way to get me to fall into a deep relaxing sleep at night. I'm also a huge fan of morning orgasms so if I can get one in before work, all the better (and apparently if I wake up before a certain time and don't get off, I'll stay horny throughout most of the day, which sucks).

7 – Have you ever had an orgasm at the same time as your partner? Who normally cums first?

Nope. Never given or received an orgasm with a partner. It's something I'd like to remedy in the near future.

8 – Can you have multiples?

I did it once and have never been able to again. I really don't remember what I was doing then.

9 – How long does it normally take you to reach orgasm?

Depends on how excited I am. Sometimes I'll get so excited that I can't control it at all (these are usually unsatisfying orgasms though), in which case about five minutes or less from the initial stimulation. I try to shoot for at least 10 to 15 minutes though to give myself a chance to adequately build up tension and stuff. The longer I can hold out, the better the orgasm is usually.

10 – Have you ever faked one?

Yep. I faked a lot of times with my ex, just so she would leave me alone. On a happier note, I used to fake orgasms over the phone to get my friend off, which usually led to a real (and way less vocal) orgasm for me after she came. 

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblogfrom your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Running with Wolves

Yesterday, I called off an interview and hung out with a semi-new friend. I don't call off interviews because I need a new job, but I really didn't want that job anyway. It was at a grocery store. The pay is good and the work wouldn't be too boring, but I would be less embarrassed to tell people I'm a dominatrix, which I almost applied for - I still might actually.

Anyway, I went out with this friend to her friend's place, an hour away from everything I'm used to. Her friends are super friendly. I've only hung out with them a few times and they are already very affectionate and warm. I really enjoy that. After being around really uncomfortable people for so long it's nice to sit back and make really inappropriate jokes with people. Her friends are also kinda hot. I've already slightly hit on two of them and I'm seriously trying to figure out how to sleep with the third.

There are three girls and two guys in her group that I've met more than once so far. The boys are so nice! There's one with a beard who tickles me just to make me jump. He so sweet and completely dateable. The other is a total gamer and is on his computer most of the time that I'm there, but he seems happy to share certain... uhm, substances if one asks.

All three of the girls are incredibly hot in a very geeky, socially awkward way. All are vaguely bisexual. One is small, but not tiny, and very bouncy, happy, and fun. The other two are around my height and curvy. They both also like to walk around braless after taking a shower. And of course, since I'm a teenage boy (I'm not) there was an instant tent in my pants. Warm, slightly wet girls walking around very obviously without bras and who smell like they just stepped out of the shower (because they did) apparently turns me on. Who knew?

The teenage boy in me thinks that one of them is interested in me because of the way she watched me all night. And the braless hug at the end that she bounced into. And the stomach flashing that edged up a little higher than necessary, but too low to see anything good (see? teenage boy). There are slight moral problems with messing with any of them, of course, -- I'm the new guy, she's one of the friend's ex, she kinda only wants to use me to experiment, it wouldn't go anywhere beyond sex, etc., etc. -- but teenage boy boner knows no morals (so long as she happily consents of course). The best thing though is that 1) I wouldn't be afraid or ashamed to tell my friend about my interest and 2) I feel like I could actually do it ("it" being talking to the girl in question, making a move, and finally the "it" of the innuendo).

Boners and cute, awkward girls aside, they are a really nice group of folks. Even if sleeping with on of them would be a social or emotional misstep, I don't feel like it would affect my relationship with any of them too drastically and I love this. There's a lot of freedom in the ability to make mistakes. And boy am I ready to start making some bad decisions!

~R.

Guess Who's Back (for Today)

Once again, I am without the internet. I'm going to lose it again on Monday, which brings me today's topic: Should I get an apartment?

Recap: Life sucks. I hate my job so much that I cry before going in. My mom is being a type A bitch (it really depends on the day, but lately it's been too much for me). I'm not making nearly enough money (I had a bad week and it's freaking me out how unstable my finances are). I've been applying to jobs until my eyes bleed and I've been getting a lot of interviews, but no offers, which is incredibly disappointing. I'm usually joking when I say this, but I'm really thinking about going into debt so I can get a job to help pay it off.

On the bright side, I settled on more than a few life and career goals. For now, I want to work in the IT industry and I'm working towards the necessary certifications - the stuff is really interesting and I'm confused, but happy. In the future, I want to go back to school and get my PhD in Psychology. Right now, I want the end of the degree to be clinical work, but I will try to supplement it with organization stuff in case I need to get a foot in the private sector. I'm putting off the next degree because I really don't want to be 30 and thinking "What the hell have I done with my life." I'm barely into my 20s and already thinking it. I also found two more months worth of meds while I was cleaning up my room (I forgot I had them fill that prescription early) so I have a bit of extension while I wait on my health care stuff to kick in.

With all these things in mind, an awesome opportunity opened up, namely an apartment. A friend of mine had to move so there's an opening at her old apartment. The place is absolutely gorgeous in a really good part of town. The rent is 400/month ABP, which is way too good to be true (the catch is I'll have roommates, but I'm okay with this). The lease begins in September, but they would like me to move in now, which I'm perfectly capable of doing. The only reason I'm thinking about it is because I recently applied for an entry level pc tech job with my friend who just got hired on with the company himself. The pay would be a little less than double what I make now and includes benefits, travel, and awesome schedule flexibility. I had the phone interview last week and they are supposed to call me about a face-to-face interview for this week (if I made it through the initial screening that is). Now if all goes perfectly, then I'll get the job around the same time I'll be moving into the apartment. It would be an amazing scenario, but way too close for comfort for little old me.

On the other side of the world, another company has placed it's bid with me. They're flying me out to see their corporate offices in the next two weeks (around the time I find out if the pc tech job wants me). If they offer me a position (which I won't know for two weeks after this last interview), I'll be moving out there with a pretty hefty starting salary (the catch is that they will most likely overwork me and there's no real room for growth).

I want to stay in my home town, but if I have to stay with my mom, I'll go bat shit crazy. Besides, I would feel much more comfortable starting a relationship if I had my own place to stay. I feel like I'm settling by being at home. It makes me feel sad and stifled.

If I move into the apartment, I would have to turn down the out of state company because I would be signing a year long lease. I would also need to turn up the heat on the job search or risk ruining my credit and my roommates' housing. I'm also worried about how fast this is all going. Part of me is resistant to the move.

If I give up the out of state job, I would be giving up the security of a good income. I've already told myself that if I didn't find anything by the time they made an offer, I would take it. On the other hand, there's no telling if they'll actually offer me a position.

I've been looking for a job off and on since the end of June. The whole process makes me horribly anxious. I've been dealing with the anxiety in small ways, but it still comes up. Yesterday, I was so depressed I couldn't get out of bed. Today, I put in over 40 applications to various places from movie theaters to insurance companies. The problem is that, each company could individually turn me down. I'm seeing this from a statistical point of view of "I applied to 40 places, one has to hire me." The jobs, no doubt, are seeing it from the POV of "We have X hundred candidates, we need to hire one." Even worse, is that lack of feed back. I've had places turn me down because I was "overqualified" for a position, which I guess means they're afraid I'll ask for more money. I have almost didn't get my second of last job (and probably lost a recent full time job) because they were afraid I would prefer to go to school than to work.

I don't know. I'm leaning towards taking the apartment, praying for the tech job, and turning down the oos job. That would be my best possible scenario, but I'm so scared that it won't work out like that. Life rarely does. I'm not fully prepared for a new apartment, but I'm definitely ready to leave my mom's house. I'm hoping that the jolt will wake me out of the depression. Either that or it's going to make everything worst.

Geeze man. This blows.

TMI Tuesday: Playtime

That time of the week again!

1. DARING: What are your 50 shades?

1. I enjoy the idea that my partner wants to inflict pain on me that:
a. makes me curious
b. is titillating and sexually arousing
c. that leaves me screaming and/or crying because that’s the way I like it

I'm not sure if I would call myself a masochist, but I do get turned on by certain types of pain, especially long, slow, and hard scratches. But I have to be in the mood for it, otherwise it just hurts.

2. Do you like being forced to dress or act in a way that is humiliating? If yes, please describe. If no, why not?

Nope. That doesn't appeal to me at all. My ego is too sensitive for something like that so it would probably piss me off more than it would turn me on.

3. Do you like seeing bruises, scars, or marks that were caused during sex on either you or your partner? What kind of marks?

YES! That was my favorite part about being with my ex. She was a huge masochist and loved for me to bite her and stuff. If she didn't pressure me into so much of that stuff I probably would have enjoyed it more. But anyway, whenever there was a scar or bruise on her the next day (and she was prone to bruise easily) she would proudly display it to anyone who'd look -- much to my embarrassment at the time. For me, I have this strange obsession with the body healing itself, so seeing marks that I've made or that were made on me is very sensual.

4. Would you like to be forced to do sexual things that you don’t necessarily like to do? Yes or No.

No. If I don't like to do something, then I don't like to do it. I'm very much willing to negotiate my limits, but to be outright forced to do something I don't like (necessarily or no) is the fastest way to get me to cool off (I learned this from the same ex in #3). BUT! I like the idea of being seduced into doing something I wouldn't normally do. Any type of public sex tends to fall under this category. I like the idea of being so turned on by a partner that I'd have to have him/her right then and there.

5. Do you want to be forced to watch your lover with someone else? Yes, No or It depends.

Nope. Once again, being forced to do stuff isn't really sexy to me.

6. What dirty (sometimes inappropriate) things do you like to say to your sexual partner?

I've never really done a lot of dirty talk with a partner. When I used to have phone sex, the girl I was on the phone with did all the talking while I provided the... um, sound effects. I do enjoy hearing it though. Well, only if it's good.

Bonus: Finish this statement: I like being powerful in bed because I like to tease.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblogfrom your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Family and Career

Who would have thought looking for a job would bring me closer to my family?

If you haven't read about it already, I have some depression issues. I was on medication for a while, but had to stop because I just don't have the means to access them anymore. I don't really know when I really started being depressed, but I only started treatment for it because it started to affect my school life. Of course, I completely ignored all the emotional stuff going on in the background. Well one of those emotional things had to do with my feelings of isolation. I never really felt like I belonged anywhere or to any group. I was always cobbling one together. I don't think I mentioned this elsewhere, but I'm the youngest of like four other kids. And I'm the youngest by like a little more than a decade (I was my parents' surprise). I always felt left out and different from my siblings. Granted, age probably played a role in it, but for the most part they really don't contact me or talk to me and it makes me feel pretty ignored and abandoned. So I put all my energy into friends with whom I've played out this same scenario. Needless to say, I was pretty unhappy about with my life.

Fast-forward. I graduate and the blues are kicking my ass pretty hard. I don't tell anyone about my graduation until the very last second. Only my mom and two brothers were able to come to the graduation, but I got congrats all around. There was also a little episode that I could mention here about a post-grad party with my friend/fellow grad that pissed me off some, but I'll save that for never. Anyway, I break and freak out for a month, work like crazy for a month, and here I am now trying to figure out my next steps. In one way, things have been much more frantic because I'm regressing back to my old habits, but in other ways things have gotten a bit better. For starters, something is changing about me socially and personally. I'm not sure what. I spend more time with my friends because I have more time to give them, but it feels like people invite me to more things too. I feel like I'm meeting more people who I can have fun with. I'm growing more of a personality. I found out that I like rpgs and trip hop....

In the midst of all this, my sister actually talked to me today. This is the same sister who tried to prematurely out me to my family a few years ago. I'd always been okay with my sexuality so long as it was private. At that time I was just getting the feel a public sexuality. (The sad thing about being anything other than straight is that your sexuality becomes an open forum of judgments, false information, well meaning allies who end up being incredibly hurtful people, etc.) I'd rather not go into it here, but let me just say that at the time that was the single worst type of betrayal I could imagine from anyone. You can understand that I was feeling very much ostracized (a scenario that replayed itself again a few months later). Well she called me today and we had the longest conversation we've had since my freshman year of college. It was all because I needed a job.

I don't know if I forgive her. I can give her second chances all day, but forgiveness is something that's hard for me sometimes. I can hold on to stuff, especially if I don't get the chance to get my side out and make whoever see how they hurt me. But I realize that this is something that doesn't or can't always happen. It does make me view my relationship to my family differently though. My sister only called today and talked to me because for that brief instance we actually had something to talk about. It was one of those rare times when our two worlds intersected. I think I can understand why my other siblings don't exactly talk to me. We don't have anything in common. I'm a pierced, socially liberal, precocious queerosexual who wants to get into entertainment and hang out with hot tattooed girls who want to make out with me. They're... everything but. They're more standard edition types and the ways that they deviate from that don't interest me at all. Talking between us (including my mom) is more of a battle than I ever recognized.

So there's that. It makes me feel a little better to think that the only reasons they didn't talk to me or even try was because they wouldn't have known where to begin. I mean I wish they would have tried more. I would have tried with them and I probably wouldn't feel so much like this, but there's nothing much I can do about the past. I can only try to make the present better.

~R.

Oh yea...

...I got off the meds. That's why I feel this way and stuff. Shit. I need to get insurance or something soon.

~R.

Bored

Guess I'm having another existential crisis, but in the last few weeks (has it really been that long? maybe less?) I've been putting out applications to as many places as I'm qualified for and a few that I'm not. In fact, I'm going to interview for a position that I'm not totally qualified for tomorrow. The problem is that I realize that I put the same sort of all-encompassing focus into my job hunt as I did in school. In other words, I'm replacing one addiction for another. I don't know how I feel about this. I'm afraid I don't know how to relax. After talking to a friend, I think the reason I don't have a significant other is partially due to that. Well, that and because I'm not stable. Even with my last romantic interest, if it had actually gone anywhere, where would I have taken her? Sure as hell not to my mom's house or a dorm room like apartment or an actual dorm. Hell, I even feel guilty when I spend my time writing. So guilty, in fact, that I haven't done it since I started the job hunt. I really have no idea what the fuck I'm doing with my life or time.
In other news, I found out I like trip hop.

~Rogue