Who would have thought looking for a job would bring me closer to my family?
If you haven't read about it already, I have some depression issues. I was on medication for a while, but had to stop because I just don't have the means to access them anymore. I don't really know when I really started being depressed, but I only started treatment for it because it started to affect my school life. Of course, I completely ignored all the emotional stuff going on in the background. Well one of those emotional things had to do with my feelings of isolation. I never really felt like I belonged anywhere or to any group. I was always cobbling one together. I don't think I mentioned this elsewhere, but I'm the youngest of like four other kids. And I'm the youngest by like a little more than a decade (I was my parents' surprise). I always felt left out and different from my siblings. Granted, age probably played a role in it, but for the most part they really don't contact me or talk to me and it makes me feel pretty ignored and abandoned. So I put all my energy into friends with whom I've played out this same scenario. Needless to say, I was pretty unhappy about with my life.
Fast-forward. I graduate and the blues are kicking my ass pretty hard. I don't tell anyone about my graduation until the very last second. Only my mom and two brothers were able to come to the graduation, but I got congrats all around. There was also a little episode that I could mention here about a post-grad party with my friend/fellow grad that pissed me off some, but I'll save that for never. Anyway, I break and freak out for a month, work like crazy for a month, and here I am now trying to figure out my next steps. In one way, things have been much more frantic because I'm regressing back to my old habits, but in other ways things have gotten a bit better. For starters, something is changing about me socially and personally. I'm not sure what. I spend more time with my friends because I have more time to give them, but it feels like people invite me to more things too. I feel like I'm meeting more people who I can have fun with. I'm growing more of a personality. I found out that I like rpgs and trip hop....
In the midst of all this, my sister actually talked to me today. This is the same sister who tried to prematurely out me to my family a few years ago. I'd always been okay with my sexuality so long as it was private. At that time I was just getting the feel a public sexuality. (The sad thing about being anything other than straight is that your sexuality becomes an open forum of judgments, false information, well meaning allies who end up being incredibly hurtful people, etc.) I'd rather not go into it here, but let me just say that at the time that was the single worst type of betrayal I could imagine from anyone. You can understand that I was feeling very much ostracized (a scenario that replayed itself again a few months later). Well she called me today and we had the longest conversation we've had since my freshman year of college. It was all because I needed a job.
I don't know if I forgive her. I can give her second chances all day, but forgiveness is something that's hard for me sometimes. I can hold on to stuff, especially if I don't get the chance to get my side out and make whoever see how they hurt me. But I realize that this is something that doesn't or can't always happen. It does make me view my relationship to my family differently though. My sister only called today and talked to me because for that brief instance we actually had something to talk about. It was one of those rare times when our two worlds intersected. I think I can understand why my other siblings don't exactly talk to me. We don't have anything in common. I'm a pierced, socially liberal, precocious queerosexual who wants to get into entertainment and hang out with hot tattooed girls who want to make out with me. They're... everything but. They're more standard edition types and the ways that they deviate from that don't interest me at all. Talking between us (including my mom) is more of a battle than I ever recognized.
So there's that. It makes me feel a little better to think that the only reasons they didn't talk to me or even try was because they wouldn't have known where to begin. I mean I wish they would have tried more. I would have tried with them and I probably wouldn't feel so much like this, but there's nothing much I can do about the past. I can only try to make the present better.
~R.
Showing posts with label career. Show all posts
Showing posts with label career. Show all posts
Monday, July 16, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Career Considerations
I'm going to be a professor of something one day and it bugs the hell out of me. When it comes to jobs out in the world, the only other things that interest me are tech, law, and film and media. And when I think about it, it's not surprising I'm interested in them. Each of these things are interesting only because they involve the active engagement of the theories that surround them. Under any one, I would always be conscious of the history and future of my craft. It would be far more likely for me to have stimulating conversations and, in some ways, I'd possibly be able to make an imprint on someone somewhere. And when I think of jobs, those are really my only requirements. I don't actually care about money any more than having what I need to support myself. Academia satisfies all of those things as well, but you actually have to get up in front of a crowd and teach, which scares the flying crap out of me.
Like any career, it has its own setbacks. The publish or perish thing is a big one. So is dealing with administration, tenured profs, stupid hierarchy, the utility of your field or research, egos, teaching... the list goes on. I can see myself getting way stressed out about doing research and constantly doing academic writing. And as much as I love theory, I need theory to be grounded in the real world. I need to know that what I'm writing or researching will actually have an impact on someone somewhere. That's my driving force, to leave my imprint on life. Another problem with academia, as with most anything I'd imagine, is that there's so much pressure on you that doing "noble" work seems too optimistic. When I say noble, I mean doing those things that make you an authority on something and then using that authority to create positive change. I guess I'm friends with a group of new professors and watching what they deal with daily makes me wonder how they get anything done.
In all honesty, I started the depression medication because of my anxiety about working and not because of any emotional problems I have. Dealing with my dad's death or my mom's mental whatever-the-fuck-it-is or my sibling's absence in my life or whatever really doesn't effect me in the same way as the career thing. Probably because I can actually control which career I go in to. I believe that the right career would make me happy because it would put me around the right kinds of people, which, I guess, would be my real source of happiness. Well, the right kinds of people along with stimulating conversation. When I think there has to be more to life, the "more" that I think about is the discussion of life itself. Hell, even my romantic interest in people is heavily influenced by whether they can provide that "more".
This blog has really been nothing but the expression of that obsession because I fear monotony more than anything else. The problems I have with my friends and family, the feelings of being disconnected with the rest of the world - it all seems to arise from the fact that I'm afraid of being bored, of being stuck in a life that has no inspiration in it. I look around and see so many people live such uninspired lives and I wonder how they do it, if it bothers them, but it always seems like they don't mind. Like it's just me. And, in a way, it is. What I enjoy the most, they don't get. But what they enjoy the most, I don't get. It doesn't mean that I'm unusual as a universal fact, it just means that in this context, I'm very out of place.
~R,
Like any career, it has its own setbacks. The publish or perish thing is a big one. So is dealing with administration, tenured profs, stupid hierarchy, the utility of your field or research, egos, teaching... the list goes on. I can see myself getting way stressed out about doing research and constantly doing academic writing. And as much as I love theory, I need theory to be grounded in the real world. I need to know that what I'm writing or researching will actually have an impact on someone somewhere. That's my driving force, to leave my imprint on life. Another problem with academia, as with most anything I'd imagine, is that there's so much pressure on you that doing "noble" work seems too optimistic. When I say noble, I mean doing those things that make you an authority on something and then using that authority to create positive change. I guess I'm friends with a group of new professors and watching what they deal with daily makes me wonder how they get anything done.
In all honesty, I started the depression medication because of my anxiety about working and not because of any emotional problems I have. Dealing with my dad's death or my mom's mental whatever-the-fuck-it-is or my sibling's absence in my life or whatever really doesn't effect me in the same way as the career thing. Probably because I can actually control which career I go in to. I believe that the right career would make me happy because it would put me around the right kinds of people, which, I guess, would be my real source of happiness. Well, the right kinds of people along with stimulating conversation. When I think there has to be more to life, the "more" that I think about is the discussion of life itself. Hell, even my romantic interest in people is heavily influenced by whether they can provide that "more".
This blog has really been nothing but the expression of that obsession because I fear monotony more than anything else. The problems I have with my friends and family, the feelings of being disconnected with the rest of the world - it all seems to arise from the fact that I'm afraid of being bored, of being stuck in a life that has no inspiration in it. I look around and see so many people live such uninspired lives and I wonder how they do it, if it bothers them, but it always seems like they don't mind. Like it's just me. And, in a way, it is. What I enjoy the most, they don't get. But what they enjoy the most, I don't get. It doesn't mean that I'm unusual as a universal fact, it just means that in this context, I'm very out of place.
~R,
Monday, July 2, 2012
Spoke Too Soon
So my internet is playing a game with me. One minute it's up and perfectly fine. The next, it's like I never gave it a loving home. I did break down and call tech support. Paul helped me. He was a nice man. Annoying, but nice. He got me connected and running smoothly for about four hours. Then no more connection. It was only by chance that it's up now. Meh.
Recap of the past and current month (in no real order):
Still in the midst of a job search. Turned down one position, going through the motions of the other even though I'm not sure if I want it now. It's a a soul eater (career job) and I'm definitely not ready for a career anything right now. It would require relocation, which is exciting, but I feel like I should stay put and work on getting video and design experience. I applied for like ten more in my area, all mostly part time. Went on only about two interviews in all this time. I'm still trying to learn graphic design at the job I work now, but I really need to pull in a bigger check. A second job is definitely in order.
Going to my first class in baby film school this weekend, which I am uber excited about. The course is in editing so I get the chance to see if that should really be my focus or not. Just from my own research into these careers it seems like a good fit, but having real experience with it would be a better judge of it.
May have broken off a friendship. Or maybe it's just something that I'm considering doing. If nothing else, I really do need to reevaluate the friend's place in my life. It's not really a big dramatic thing because this is mostly going to be an internal change, but if we lose touch in the meantime, I'm not going to worry over it. We both know where I am in this and it'll probably be better for the both of us. I need to talk to her before I make any real changes, but I already have a feeling about how this is going to end.
Flashed myself a few more times in the mirror. It's healing very nicely. Barely touching it gives it a quick rise. Usually, it takes a bit of coaxing.
Getting off the meds and actively working through my depression issues. Getting off of them is more of a "I don't have the means to stay on them" kind of thing right now. So it'll be better for me to wean off them with the ones I have left instead of waking up one day and realizing that I'm all out. Because that would suck. Majorly. Instead, I figure that I should be more active in trying to work through my depression. I had a major episode a couple of weeks ago that ended with me writing out a bunch of stuff, blowing up on one friend, and bonding with another. Mostly, it seems like I have a lot of unresolved stuff with my family that I need to work on. It makes me think that that's where a big part of my loneliness and feeling out of place comes in from. If I could go back to therapy that would be much better, but until I get my medical stuff straightened out I'm kinda on my own so I'll probably be writing about a lot of it here.
And I made a sandwich to end all sandwiches. There was pesto involved. Speaking of food, I'm going to go cook. Until next time,
~R.
Recap of the past and current month (in no real order):
Still in the midst of a job search. Turned down one position, going through the motions of the other even though I'm not sure if I want it now. It's a a soul eater (career job) and I'm definitely not ready for a career anything right now. It would require relocation, which is exciting, but I feel like I should stay put and work on getting video and design experience. I applied for like ten more in my area, all mostly part time. Went on only about two interviews in all this time. I'm still trying to learn graphic design at the job I work now, but I really need to pull in a bigger check. A second job is definitely in order.
Going to my first class in baby film school this weekend, which I am uber excited about. The course is in editing so I get the chance to see if that should really be my focus or not. Just from my own research into these careers it seems like a good fit, but having real experience with it would be a better judge of it.
May have broken off a friendship. Or maybe it's just something that I'm considering doing. If nothing else, I really do need to reevaluate the friend's place in my life. It's not really a big dramatic thing because this is mostly going to be an internal change, but if we lose touch in the meantime, I'm not going to worry over it. We both know where I am in this and it'll probably be better for the both of us. I need to talk to her before I make any real changes, but I already have a feeling about how this is going to end.
Flashed myself a few more times in the mirror. It's healing very nicely. Barely touching it gives it a quick rise. Usually, it takes a bit of coaxing.
Getting off the meds and actively working through my depression issues. Getting off of them is more of a "I don't have the means to stay on them" kind of thing right now. So it'll be better for me to wean off them with the ones I have left instead of waking up one day and realizing that I'm all out. Because that would suck. Majorly. Instead, I figure that I should be more active in trying to work through my depression. I had a major episode a couple of weeks ago that ended with me writing out a bunch of stuff, blowing up on one friend, and bonding with another. Mostly, it seems like I have a lot of unresolved stuff with my family that I need to work on. It makes me think that that's where a big part of my loneliness and feeling out of place comes in from. If I could go back to therapy that would be much better, but until I get my medical stuff straightened out I'm kinda on my own so I'll probably be writing about a lot of it here.
And I made a sandwich to end all sandwiches. There was pesto involved. Speaking of food, I'm going to go cook. Until next time,
~R.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Absence
My internet at home is incredibly spotty. I've been trying to figure out how to maintain a signal, but nothing's worked so far. I can (and have been) reading the blogs easily enough, but posting things has been a bit of a hassle. And of course, I won't actually call customer service or tech support to fix the issue because, well, that would make sense.
My life on the other end of the screen has been boring more or less. I'm still struggling with being out of school and having so much time on my hands, but not exactly doing anything with it. I read, god do I read, whatever I can get my hands on. I still go out and visit with friends, which is always nice. And I work. My job offered me a more stable part-time position with them, which means my hours will be set in stone (I'll be pulling in a more respectable check, but I'll still need another job), and I get to learn the Adobe Creative Suite with them, which I think is awesome. I have the manuals to go along with the Suite, but it's really hard to concentrate on them at home. I'll retain certain background facts just fine (like stuff about vector v. bitmap graphics), but application stuff (like hot keys and the like) don't stick. I need to be able to do it while I'm learning it.
Sexually, I've been incredibly uninterested as of late. I just have no romantic or sexual interest in people right now. I still get excited and get off, but it's more like taking a bath or eating -- something I do because I need to. I still enjoy doing it, of course, but it's not a major thing. Even so, I've been having some very vivid submissive fantasies thanks in part to all the Domme blogs I read. And to top it all off, I got hit with a whip. Of course I enjoyed it, but it confused the hell out of me that my friend actually did it. I wonder what goes through that girl's head sometimes. I did finally ask her just how much I could touch her because the guessing game is really beginning to annoy me, but I haven't gotten a response. I find it so strange that of all of the people I know she would be the one I'd have the most trouble with regarding physical closeness.
I really want to learn a skill so I can get more interesting jobs. Right now, my mind is set on being a film editor. I like the idea of arranging images together to make a story. Luckily enough, the skills to be a film editor are transferable between film, television, and news so I wouldn't have to worry about a job as much. I just don't know how to get those skills except to go back to school. I would prefer to do an apprenticeship with an established company and learn through them, but everyone wants an experienced person. Actually, I would probably have time to do an internship now. I'll have to look into it. It would probably get me out of this pitying mood as well.
I'm going to post this before my internet boots me off again.
~R.
My life on the other end of the screen has been boring more or less. I'm still struggling with being out of school and having so much time on my hands, but not exactly doing anything with it. I read, god do I read, whatever I can get my hands on. I still go out and visit with friends, which is always nice. And I work. My job offered me a more stable part-time position with them, which means my hours will be set in stone (I'll be pulling in a more respectable check, but I'll still need another job), and I get to learn the Adobe Creative Suite with them, which I think is awesome. I have the manuals to go along with the Suite, but it's really hard to concentrate on them at home. I'll retain certain background facts just fine (like stuff about vector v. bitmap graphics), but application stuff (like hot keys and the like) don't stick. I need to be able to do it while I'm learning it.
Sexually, I've been incredibly uninterested as of late. I just have no romantic or sexual interest in people right now. I still get excited and get off, but it's more like taking a bath or eating -- something I do because I need to. I still enjoy doing it, of course, but it's not a major thing. Even so, I've been having some very vivid submissive fantasies thanks in part to all the Domme blogs I read. And to top it all off, I got hit with a whip. Of course I enjoyed it, but it confused the hell out of me that my friend actually did it. I wonder what goes through that girl's head sometimes. I did finally ask her just how much I could touch her because the guessing game is really beginning to annoy me, but I haven't gotten a response. I find it so strange that of all of the people I know she would be the one I'd have the most trouble with regarding physical closeness.
I really want to learn a skill so I can get more interesting jobs. Right now, my mind is set on being a film editor. I like the idea of arranging images together to make a story. Luckily enough, the skills to be a film editor are transferable between film, television, and news so I wouldn't have to worry about a job as much. I just don't know how to get those skills except to go back to school. I would prefer to do an apprenticeship with an established company and learn through them, but everyone wants an experienced person. Actually, I would probably have time to do an internship now. I'll have to look into it. It would probably get me out of this pitying mood as well.
I'm going to post this before my internet boots me off again.
~R.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Behind and Tired
Hello there. It's been a while hasn't it? Well the interwebs are up and running at my house so yay for that. I've been running around and trying to keep busy -- finally applying for jobs and such -- and I've worn myself out by staying out of the house as much as possible. I am so very behind on everyone's blogs, but this gives me something to do on my off day. I skim through my list and peek and the different pages and get excited. There's some good stuff going on in blogger while I webless.
In other news, I got another piercing. This happened weeks ago, but I thought I'd mention it here. It was just another one on my ear. My nipple, clitoris, and tongue are all without metal for the time being. Although, I may have my nipple repierced again soon. I keep meaning to go do it, but I've been so busy lately. I should be getting my clitoral hood pierced on my birthday next month and I'm not sure when or if I'll get my tongue done. I only want to get it pierced if I absolutely have to take out my lip piercing. Otherwise, I'm not going to do it. I'm in love with my lip piercing and would be heartbroken to give it up.
The job hunt is going strangely well. I have mixed feelings about this because I partially don't want to work, but I do like nice things. Besides, I have this idea to drive across the US for maybe a month or two couch surfing and living in hostels just for the hell of it. I love driving and my sister is willing to rent me a car so it seems like a cool idea, but I would really need to start saving up for it. I also have another idea to start up a small business on my own, but I'm really not in the mindset for it. Call me overconfident, but it seems like too good of an idea and something that would actually work and make a good profit. Although I do plan to add business owner to my name one day, I'm just not ready for that now. I have friends who keep bugging me about it so it's probably going to be on my mind for a while. Especially with Pride coming up.
And I missed TMI Tuesday! Boo! That's really one of my favorite games to play on here. I may pick up some of the other ones later on.
Long ago I mentioned starting up a second blog and keeping this one for personal stuff (maybe sprucing it up a bit if I can ever figure out blogger). The idea has come back, but I think instead of blogger I'm going to move to wordpress. I don't know. I have a lot of ideas and want to do a lot of things but I'm slow about everything.
That's all for now. I'm going to go to bed and fall asleep playing sudoku.
~Rogue
In other news, I got another piercing. This happened weeks ago, but I thought I'd mention it here. It was just another one on my ear. My nipple, clitoris, and tongue are all without metal for the time being. Although, I may have my nipple repierced again soon. I keep meaning to go do it, but I've been so busy lately. I should be getting my clitoral hood pierced on my birthday next month and I'm not sure when or if I'll get my tongue done. I only want to get it pierced if I absolutely have to take out my lip piercing. Otherwise, I'm not going to do it. I'm in love with my lip piercing and would be heartbroken to give it up.
The job hunt is going strangely well. I have mixed feelings about this because I partially don't want to work, but I do like nice things. Besides, I have this idea to drive across the US for maybe a month or two couch surfing and living in hostels just for the hell of it. I love driving and my sister is willing to rent me a car so it seems like a cool idea, but I would really need to start saving up for it. I also have another idea to start up a small business on my own, but I'm really not in the mindset for it. Call me overconfident, but it seems like too good of an idea and something that would actually work and make a good profit. Although I do plan to add business owner to my name one day, I'm just not ready for that now. I have friends who keep bugging me about it so it's probably going to be on my mind for a while. Especially with Pride coming up.
And I missed TMI Tuesday! Boo! That's really one of my favorite games to play on here. I may pick up some of the other ones later on.
Long ago I mentioned starting up a second blog and keeping this one for personal stuff (maybe sprucing it up a bit if I can ever figure out blogger). The idea has come back, but I think instead of blogger I'm going to move to wordpress. I don't know. I have a lot of ideas and want to do a lot of things but I'm slow about everything.
That's all for now. I'm going to go to bed and fall asleep playing sudoku.
~Rogue
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Road Trips and New Projects
I went on the first road trip of the summer yesterday. It was pretty awesome, but incredibly tiring. I went with my best friend to see one of our other friends and her girlfriend. I missed them muchly. They took us all over their town and by the time we made it to the bar that night, I was totally wiped out. That didn't stop me from getting mildly drunk and playing word search. And even though I felt like I failed at keeping my bestie entertained, she (not so subtly) reminded me that she's not that high maintenance. So I played more word search and we left.
I needed the quiet today. Yesterday was filled with noise. People, cars, music, more people, indistinct chatter, everything. Lots and lots of noise. Today, there's nothing but calmness. Tomorrow, there will probably be more adventure. And maybe a kitten (which I'm highly allergic to)!
Given time alone, I see that I really don't write much. When I do write, I tend to write for hours or until I have to make myself go to sleep. Unfortunately, when I stop writing in the middle of a new project, it seems I won't remember where I was going with it. But I do seem to enjoy the revision process. I've been revising the same four pages for about a week now, but only because I don't know where to go anymore. I may switch over to another project until I figure that one out.
I'm adding bartending, programming, and nonlinear editing to my list of possible skills for the remainder of this month and the next. I may be getting my license to sell alcohol on Tuesday and starting bartending school next week. Or maybe this weekend, depending. I'm also going to try my hardest to get through my C++ book. It's a hefty book with a lot of technical jargon, but I'm going to try it out anyway. I want to see if I actually like programming things before I go to school in it. Towards the end of next month I plan to take a weekend class on Final Cut Pro X to see if I like it. Lots of experimental things going on in June if I actually do any of it.
As to romance, I think I'm making progress! Not with anyone, just with the way I see things. I always knew that I have to start asking for what I want, but I'm scared that it would change the way people see me. I've always been afraid that it would make them think that all I wanted from them was sex (or kisses or cuddles or whatever). Now I'm starting to see there's a difference between being gross and being genuine.
Saying something like, "You and I both know we're going to bang, so let's cut the crap and get to it" probably won't get me the response I want (not that I would ever say something like that, well, not usually). But maybe something like, "It's totally okay if you don't want to, but would it be okay if I kissed you right now" probably would. The point being that it's okay to find someone attractive. And it's okay to want to kiss them and cuddle with them. And asking for those things doesn't automatically make you a sleazy perv. Rudimentary, yes, but something I've never really wrapped my head around.
It's sad that I'm only now beginning to learn these things. But I did learn other totally awesome things, like reading and being open-minded! So I guess that evens things out some.
Anyway. I'm going to read some comics, maybe watch a movie, thumb through this big ass book and go to sleep. Hope everyone else is doing well too. Night!
~Rogue
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Post College Life
Happy Mother's Day! Or what's left of it.
I applied for a job. As in the singular. As in one.
I'm having a hard time trying to pick what I want to do, so I'm going on this epic journey of epicness into all kinds of strange jobs. On my list is bartista, technical writer (the writer of manuals), child and family photographer, baker, speech writer, and bank teller. These are the things that I want to do. I'm pretty confident that I'll get offered for almost all of these (if I actually apply sometime soon), but I don't have a hierarchy for them. Honestly, they all sound interesting.
Since then, I've been writing! I already have four pages of a short story that I'm writing. I didn't write today because my family made me spend time with them, but I'm going back at it tomorrow. I even know how it's going to end!
Other than that, I've hit on a waiter, got my friend incredibly drunk off shots, had a horrible post grad dinner followed by an awesome post grad dinner, played pathfinder while drinking a strangely smooth scotch, and watched movies. I want to watch one more, but I have work in the morning. And I've already made plans to go see the Avengers tomorrow.
The world hasn't ended yet. Awesome.
~R.
I applied for a job. As in the singular. As in one.
I'm having a hard time trying to pick what I want to do, so I'm going on this epic journey of epicness into all kinds of strange jobs. On my list is bartista, technical writer (the writer of manuals), child and family photographer, baker, speech writer, and bank teller. These are the things that I want to do. I'm pretty confident that I'll get offered for almost all of these (if I actually apply sometime soon), but I don't have a hierarchy for them. Honestly, they all sound interesting.
Since then, I've been writing! I already have four pages of a short story that I'm writing. I didn't write today because my family made me spend time with them, but I'm going back at it tomorrow. I even know how it's going to end!
Other than that, I've hit on a waiter, got my friend incredibly drunk off shots, had a horrible post grad dinner followed by an awesome post grad dinner, played pathfinder while drinking a strangely smooth scotch, and watched movies. I want to watch one more, but I have work in the morning. And I've already made plans to go see the Avengers tomorrow.
The world hasn't ended yet. Awesome.
~R.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Happiness
A wonderful thing just happened to me. I realized that I'm leaving school without debt, with my own car, enough savings to cover me for a couple months after graduation, a small summer position to also cover me until I find another job, a place to stay (okay, it's my parents' house, but it's still a place to stay!), and a world of time to write, take pictures, travel, explore, read, and all of those other things that make me uber happy. In short, I hit the fucking jackpot!
I can slow down and enjoy life now. I don't have to rush to do anything, which was totally my impulse. It's going to suck to have to go back to the house, but I know my mom wouldn't mind at all. In fact, she would probably be overjoyed that I came back home, especially if I help out with the bills and start doing stuff around the house. I'll talk to her about it later this week to see how she feels, but I honestly don't think it would be a problem.
And since I don't know what the hell I want to do anyway, I can also use this time to take up internships or do other random jobs in fields I would have never considered before. The only real fear in all of this (and I guess the fear I've always had about life) is that I would get stuck in one place and not move. My hope is that I'll be so busy exploring the world that I wouldn't have time to get stuck. That seeing different places and doing different things will be enough motivation for me to keep moving, to move out of my parents' house, and maybe to move towards a career that I love. Not that any of this has to happen in any type of order.
I can relax now. I have time. I can do things. I can finally go back to writing! I'm glad I didn't apply to graduate school now. This is exactly what I needed.
~R.
I can slow down and enjoy life now. I don't have to rush to do anything, which was totally my impulse. It's going to suck to have to go back to the house, but I know my mom wouldn't mind at all. In fact, she would probably be overjoyed that I came back home, especially if I help out with the bills and start doing stuff around the house. I'll talk to her about it later this week to see how she feels, but I honestly don't think it would be a problem.
And since I don't know what the hell I want to do anyway, I can also use this time to take up internships or do other random jobs in fields I would have never considered before. The only real fear in all of this (and I guess the fear I've always had about life) is that I would get stuck in one place and not move. My hope is that I'll be so busy exploring the world that I wouldn't have time to get stuck. That seeing different places and doing different things will be enough motivation for me to keep moving, to move out of my parents' house, and maybe to move towards a career that I love. Not that any of this has to happen in any type of order.
I can relax now. I have time. I can do things. I can finally go back to writing! I'm glad I didn't apply to graduate school now. This is exactly what I needed.
~R.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Confessional: Project
I want to start a creative project. No, actually, I want to FINISH a creative project. I have so many in my head, but nothing ever gets off the ground because I have the attention span of a small child.
Technically, I'm working on what I hope to be a graphic novel, or a mediocre webcomic with a modest following. The last time I spent any significant time on it was at an airport in Utah two months ago. I made a lot of headway on it and was really enjoying the story line. I think I treat myself to creative stuff. When I know I can relax, I'll start taking and editing pictures or writing bad poems and decent short stories. I've beat it in my head that all my creative stuff is a hobby and that's it. It won't feed my travelling addiction or keep me in the latest bookstore. Right now, I'm thinking about all the class work I need to get done, but instead of doing any of it, I'm sitting in my room procrastinating like hell on the internet because I don't want to lead a group project.
God. How much time have I wasted procrastinating on the internet when I could be procrastinating on something I love to do?
Meh. I blame everything on being terrified of indulging myself and having a near manic desire to fit in. I lose myself in the things I like: sex, work, talking to people, people, writing, whatever. It scares me because I lose control, but I also like that I lose control in those things. When I'm in that head space nothing else matters, but it scares me because I can't control it, but... well, you get the picture. I don't know why I do that. Maybe I'm holding myself up to other people's standards? I mean getting good grades means nothing to me right now, but I still have this strange notion that I can't do badly this semester (or I can't do badly on this assignment, etc.). It's the same thing with careers. I feel like I should be going into one of those "successful" careers of the last post, even though I'm also fighting against it. Whatever it is, I still have a tendency to deny myself the things that I want most (cue memories of Lilly).
The raging desire to fit in is one of those stupid ticks I got growing up. There came a time when I started to feel distinctly different from my family. I was too young for my siblings, too old and far away from my cousins, and I saw my nieces and nephews infrequently. Shy in elementary. Awkward and occasionally picked on in middle school. By high school, I pretty much lost all interest in my peers. I made a lot of friends though and we all bonded over music, art, our interest in sex, and our mutual awkwardness. But I was always much more interested in talking to my teachers, even though it made me feel a bit awkward (which is all still true now). It didn't help that the adults in my life all treated me like some golden child the whole way through. They loved putting me in front of crowds, make me lead things, or give speeches. This made the closest of my friends jealous of me and everyone else put me on a small pedestal.
Needless to say (but I'm going to anyway), I hated it. Stuff like that still makes me a bit uncomfortable (when my prof looks at me to speak up in class, when my manager gives me the keys to something because I'm "responsible and can handle it", commanding the attention of a room, leading anything), but I still end up being in those positions. I'm the kind of person who thrives on love and affection. It kills me to have people put me at a distance or set me apart. I hid my past from a lot of the friends I have now and I still get pointed out as "intelligent". All that being lonely stuff is probably what led me to the depression. Oh and I'm also really distrustful of people when they tell me I'm good at something.
Blurg. See, if I wasn't fucked up enough to actually finish something, I'd be just fucked up enough to be an awesome artist. Ciao loves.
---Rogue
Technically, I'm working on what I hope to be a graphic novel, or a mediocre webcomic with a modest following. The last time I spent any significant time on it was at an airport in Utah two months ago. I made a lot of headway on it and was really enjoying the story line. I think I treat myself to creative stuff. When I know I can relax, I'll start taking and editing pictures or writing bad poems and decent short stories. I've beat it in my head that all my creative stuff is a hobby and that's it. It won't feed my travelling addiction or keep me in the latest bookstore. Right now, I'm thinking about all the class work I need to get done, but instead of doing any of it, I'm sitting in my room procrastinating like hell on the internet because I don't want to lead a group project.
God. How much time have I wasted procrastinating on the internet when I could be procrastinating on something I love to do?
Meh. I blame everything on being terrified of indulging myself and having a near manic desire to fit in. I lose myself in the things I like: sex, work, talking to people, people, writing, whatever. It scares me because I lose control, but I also like that I lose control in those things. When I'm in that head space nothing else matters, but it scares me because I can't control it, but... well, you get the picture. I don't know why I do that. Maybe I'm holding myself up to other people's standards? I mean getting good grades means nothing to me right now, but I still have this strange notion that I can't do badly this semester (or I can't do badly on this assignment, etc.). It's the same thing with careers. I feel like I should be going into one of those "successful" careers of the last post, even though I'm also fighting against it. Whatever it is, I still have a tendency to deny myself the things that I want most (cue memories of Lilly).
The raging desire to fit in is one of those stupid ticks I got growing up. There came a time when I started to feel distinctly different from my family. I was too young for my siblings, too old and far away from my cousins, and I saw my nieces and nephews infrequently. Shy in elementary. Awkward and occasionally picked on in middle school. By high school, I pretty much lost all interest in my peers. I made a lot of friends though and we all bonded over music, art, our interest in sex, and our mutual awkwardness. But I was always much more interested in talking to my teachers, even though it made me feel a bit awkward (which is all still true now). It didn't help that the adults in my life all treated me like some golden child the whole way through. They loved putting me in front of crowds, make me lead things, or give speeches. This made the closest of my friends jealous of me and everyone else put me on a small pedestal.
Needless to say (but I'm going to anyway), I hated it. Stuff like that still makes me a bit uncomfortable (when my prof looks at me to speak up in class, when my manager gives me the keys to something because I'm "responsible and can handle it", commanding the attention of a room, leading anything), but I still end up being in those positions. I'm the kind of person who thrives on love and affection. It kills me to have people put me at a distance or set me apart. I hid my past from a lot of the friends I have now and I still get pointed out as "intelligent". All that being lonely stuff is probably what led me to the depression. Oh and I'm also really distrustful of people when they tell me I'm good at something.
Blurg. See, if I wasn't fucked up enough to actually finish something, I'd be just fucked up enough to be an awesome artist. Ciao loves.
---Rogue
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Life and Such
So I'm a rogue scholar. I love the name. I love what it means. I love that a "rogue" is a dishonest man. I love that this is exactly what I feel like, even though I'm neither a man nor dishonest. I have a thing for words.
I feel like I've been groomed for success from an early age, which is funny because I'll be the first to tell you that I've always been a big fish in a small pond (except in elementary, when I was arguably "normal"). People have wanted me to be a doctor, an engineer, a lawyer, to have a traditional "successful" career. The people around me now are trying to turn me into a professor, which is why I'm on the lamb from grad school (although I'm probably going to go anyway). I'm almost out of college and I'm half-jokingly (but quite seriously) thinking about how I can get into the sex industry. This is to say that I'm not nearly as traditional as anyone would want me to be.
Part of it seems to be because I'm surrounded by people who are occasionally and hopelessly provincial. There's nothing wrong with that, but it makes for a pretty lonely life. Lonely because it makes me feel different. When everyone around you thinks that the pinnacle of life is to be married to one person while working a stable job in middle management, trying to explain your desire to move to the other side of the country to take photos of BDSM models while having an open relationship with one of them is a little strange. Hell to even attempt to explain a slight bent towards BDSM is out of the question. I once tried to explain to someone how sex with a friend seems like a perfectly natural extension of the love you have for them (both parties being mutual and consenting, of course) and it was like I was speaking in a foreign language.
I don't believe in the "one and only forever love" thing. I think that idealizes people too much. I think there are people who will have a huge impact on your life, people who you'd want to keep around and make a life with, and even people who you just want to have sweaty fun time with, but every connection with another person is special. I like people at their messiest, most honest, and most unsure. But that's just me. Live and let live I think. Point being is that I'm dying to find adventurous, artsy, thoughtful people. I can't be the only person in the world who feels like this. There has to be more.
Bleh. My rant for the night.
-Rogue
I feel like I've been groomed for success from an early age, which is funny because I'll be the first to tell you that I've always been a big fish in a small pond (except in elementary, when I was arguably "normal"). People have wanted me to be a doctor, an engineer, a lawyer, to have a traditional "successful" career. The people around me now are trying to turn me into a professor, which is why I'm on the lamb from grad school (although I'm probably going to go anyway). I'm almost out of college and I'm half-jokingly (but quite seriously) thinking about how I can get into the sex industry. This is to say that I'm not nearly as traditional as anyone would want me to be.
Part of it seems to be because I'm surrounded by people who are occasionally and hopelessly provincial. There's nothing wrong with that, but it makes for a pretty lonely life. Lonely because it makes me feel different. When everyone around you thinks that the pinnacle of life is to be married to one person while working a stable job in middle management, trying to explain your desire to move to the other side of the country to take photos of BDSM models while having an open relationship with one of them is a little strange. Hell to even attempt to explain a slight bent towards BDSM is out of the question. I once tried to explain to someone how sex with a friend seems like a perfectly natural extension of the love you have for them (both parties being mutual and consenting, of course) and it was like I was speaking in a foreign language.
I don't believe in the "one and only forever love" thing. I think that idealizes people too much. I think there are people who will have a huge impact on your life, people who you'd want to keep around and make a life with, and even people who you just want to have sweaty fun time with, but every connection with another person is special. I like people at their messiest, most honest, and most unsure. But that's just me. Live and let live I think. Point being is that I'm dying to find adventurous, artsy, thoughtful people. I can't be the only person in the world who feels like this. There has to be more.
Bleh. My rant for the night.
-Rogue
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