Spoke Too Soon

So my internet is playing a game with me. One minute it's up and perfectly fine. The next, it's like I never gave it a loving home. I did break down and call tech support. Paul helped me. He was a nice man. Annoying, but nice. He got me connected and running smoothly for about four hours. Then no more connection. It was only by chance that it's up now. Meh.

Recap of the past and current month (in no real order):

Still in the midst of a job search. Turned down one position, going through the motions of the other even though I'm not sure if I want it now. It's a a soul eater (career job) and I'm definitely not ready for a career anything right now. It would require relocation, which is exciting, but I feel like I should stay put and work on getting video and design experience. I applied for like ten more in my area, all mostly part time. Went on only about two interviews in all this time. I'm still trying to learn graphic design at the job I work now, but I really need to pull in a bigger check. A second job is definitely in order.

Going to my first class in baby film school this weekend, which I am uber excited about. The course is in editing so I get the chance to see if that should really be my focus or not. Just from my own research into these careers it seems like a good fit, but having real experience with it would be a better judge of it.


May have broken off a friendship. Or maybe it's just something that I'm considering doing. If nothing else, I really do need to reevaluate the friend's place in my life. It's not really a big dramatic thing because this is mostly going to be an internal change, but if we lose touch in the meantime, I'm not going to worry over it. We both know where I am in this and it'll probably be better for the both of us. I need to talk to her before I make any real changes, but I already have a feeling about how this is going to end.


Flashed myself a few more times in the mirror. It's healing very nicely. Barely touching it gives it a quick rise. Usually, it takes a bit of coaxing.


Getting off the meds and actively working through my depression issues. Getting off of them is more of a "I don't have the means to stay on them" kind of thing right now. So it'll be better for me to wean off them with the ones I have left instead of waking up one day and realizing that I'm all out. Because that would suck. Majorly. Instead, I figure that I should be more active in trying to work through my depression. I had a major episode a couple of weeks ago that ended with me writing out a bunch of stuff, blowing up on one friend, and bonding with another. Mostly, it seems like I have a lot of unresolved stuff with my family that I need to work on. It makes me think that that's where a big part of my loneliness and feeling out of place comes in from. If I could go back to therapy that would be much better, but until I get my medical stuff straightened out I'm kinda on my own so I'll probably be writing about a lot of it here.


And I made a sandwich to end all sandwiches. There was pesto involved. Speaking of food, I'm going to go cook. Until next time,
~R.

Post College Life

Happy Mother's Day! Or what's left of it.

I applied for a job. As in the singular. As in one.
I'm having a hard time trying to pick what I want to do, so I'm going on this epic journey of epicness into all kinds of strange jobs. On my list is bartista, technical writer (the writer of manuals), child and family photographer, baker, speech writer, and bank teller. These are the things that I want to do. I'm pretty confident that I'll get offered for almost all of these (if I actually apply sometime soon), but I don't have a hierarchy for them. Honestly, they all sound interesting.

Since then, I've been writing! I already have four pages of a short story that I'm writing. I didn't write today because my family made me spend time with them, but I'm going back at it tomorrow. I even know how it's going to end!

Other than that, I've hit on a waiter, got my friend incredibly drunk off shots, had a horrible post grad dinner followed by an awesome post grad dinner, played pathfinder while drinking a strangely smooth scotch, and watched movies. I want to watch one more, but I have work in the morning. And I've already made plans to go see the Avengers tomorrow.

The world hasn't ended yet. Awesome.
~R.

Happiness

A wonderful thing just happened to me. I realized that I'm leaving school without debt, with my own car, enough savings to cover me for a couple months after graduation, a small summer position to also cover me until I find another job, a place to stay (okay, it's my parents' house, but it's still a place to stay!), and a world of time to write, take pictures, travel, explore, read, and all of those other things that make me uber happy. In short, I hit the fucking jackpot!

I can slow down and enjoy life now. I don't have to rush to do anything, which was totally my impulse. It's going to suck to have to go back to the house, but I know my mom wouldn't mind at all. In fact, she would probably be overjoyed that I came back home, especially if I help out with the bills and start doing stuff around the house. I'll talk to her about it later this week to see how she feels, but I honestly don't think it would be a problem.

And since I don't know what the hell I want to do anyway, I can also use this time to take up internships or do other random jobs in fields I would have never considered before. The only real fear in all of this (and I guess the fear I've always had about life) is that I would get stuck in one place and not move. My hope is that I'll be so busy exploring the world that I wouldn't have time to get stuck. That seeing different places and doing different things will be enough motivation for me to keep moving, to move out of my parents' house, and maybe to move towards a career that I love. Not that any of this has to happen in any type of order.

I can relax now. I have time. I can do things. I can finally go back to writing! I'm glad I didn't apply to graduate school now. This is exactly what I needed.

~R.

Updates and (Possible) Changes

I haven't been feeling so hot lately. My mood has been really inconsistent and I'm feeling sluggish again. Plus, I've started getting increasingly sad as the day goes on. It's times like this when I miss The Poet. She was my little night owl. I just want to be held and petted all night. Kisses would be nice too.

I made a girl pause today. She was in the middle of something, saw me, and just stopped and looked at me, slack jawed and starry eyed, for a second or so. It was nice. She was pretty cute too. I forget that people can find me attractive sometimes. Speaking of which, I still haven't talked to this guy I'm interested in. It's a bit frustrating because I want to be smooth about it and just casually talk to him, but it's also taking too long. He could be a major jerk or the sweetest guy I've ever met, but I won't know because I've never had a significant conversation with him.

And the bestie is still the bestie. I don't want to bother her about it anymore, but I've still been on edge. I think I just need to see her. She has really intense nonverbal expressions so I think it would put me at ease to have my senses know that everything is okay, instead of just my head, which constantly doubts itself. If something feels off, then I'll have reason to freak and bring it up again. For now, I'm going to try to convince myself that that's the end of it.

Anyway, I have a new idea and focus for a blog. Most likely, it's going to be the place where I do critical theory on pop culture. I'm probably going to still keep this one and shield it so I can write about my personal life in (relative) private.

I've also been writing creatively since the last post. The story line that I'm working on doesn't have a complete arc just yet, but there's already room for more. This makes me very happy. I'm going to need to find a place to put that stuff too.

Welp, that's all for now. Til next time.
---Rogue

Confessional: Project

I want to start a creative project. No, actually, I want to FINISH a creative project. I have so many in my head, but nothing ever gets off the ground because I have the attention span of a small child.

Technically, I'm working on what I hope to be a graphic novel, or a mediocre webcomic with a modest following. The last time I spent any significant time on it was at an airport in Utah two months ago. I made a lot of headway on it and was really enjoying the story line. I think I treat myself to creative stuff. When I know I can relax, I'll start taking and editing pictures or writing bad poems and decent short stories. I've beat it in my head that all my creative stuff is a hobby and that's it. It won't feed my travelling addiction or keep me in the latest bookstore. Right now, I'm thinking about all the class work I need to get done, but instead of doing any of it, I'm sitting in my room procrastinating like hell on the internet because I don't want to lead a group project.

God. How much time have I wasted procrastinating on the internet when I could be procrastinating on something I love to do?

Meh. I blame everything on being terrified of indulging myself and having a near manic desire to fit in. I lose myself in the things I like: sex, work, talking to people, people, writing, whatever. It scares me because I lose control, but I also like that I lose control in those things. When I'm in that head space nothing else matters, but it scares me because I can't control it, but... well, you get the picture. I don't know why I do that. Maybe I'm holding myself up to other people's standards? I mean getting good grades means nothing to me right now, but I still have this strange notion that I can't do badly this semester (or I can't do badly on this assignment, etc.). It's the same thing with careers. I feel like I should be going into one of those "successful" careers of the last post, even though I'm also fighting against it. Whatever it is, I still have a tendency to deny myself the things that I want most (cue memories of Lilly).

The raging desire to fit in is one of those stupid ticks I got growing up. There came a time when I started to feel distinctly different from my family. I was too young for my siblings, too old and far away from my cousins, and I saw my nieces and nephews infrequently. Shy in elementary. Awkward and occasionally picked on in middle school. By high school, I pretty much lost all interest in my peers. I made a lot of friends though and we all bonded over music, art, our interest in sex, and our mutual awkwardness. But I was always much more interested in talking to my teachers, even though it made me feel a bit awkward (which is all still true now). It didn't help that the adults in my life all treated me like some golden child the whole way through. They loved putting me in front of crowds, make me lead things, or give speeches. This made the closest of my friends jealous of me and everyone else put me on a small pedestal.

Needless to say (but I'm going to anyway), I hated it. Stuff like that still makes me a bit uncomfortable (when my prof looks at me to speak up in class, when my manager gives me the keys to something because I'm "responsible and can handle it", commanding the attention of a room, leading anything), but I still end up being in those positions. I'm the kind of person who thrives on love and affection. It kills me to have people put me at a distance or set me apart. I hid my past from a lot of the friends I have now and I still get pointed out as "intelligent". All that being lonely stuff is probably what led me to the depression. Oh and I'm also really distrustful of people when they tell me I'm good at something.

Blurg. See, if I wasn't fucked up enough to actually finish something, I'd be just fucked up enough to be an awesome artist. Ciao loves.

---Rogue