Sleepy Post: Adjusting (but anxious)

It's cold in my room, but I refuse to wear pants! Anyway, I thought it was time for a proper post.

So I adjusted my meds (meaning that I actually took them on time) and I feel much better than yesterday. Still anxious about school and such, but it's a lot easier to deal. Okay that's a lie, I'm still as scared as I was sans-meds but I'm not paralyzed by it all. I've pretty much skipped out on all the pre-graduation partying because 1) I'm not big on the fancy and 2) I'm not feeling up to celebrating.

I know this is only a transition thing that I'm going through. I did something incredibly similar in high school so I recognize this as my way of (not really) dealing with endings. The only difference between then and now is that I had a comfortable group of friends to fall back on. Here, it's too easy for me to lock myself away from everyone else. And if the Great Spaghetti Monster hadn't created facebook and text messaging, I doubt any of the people I know would know if I was dead or alive.

I can see why people push the idea of getting into organizations in college. It gives students a support system. Even those small organizations that play games or volunteer together are huge helps. In high school, I was forced into a lot of the organizations I got involved with and the adults loved to put me in charge of this or that bit of responsibility. It made me feel isolated and just wore me out in general. I told myself I wouldn't get into a bunch of stuff here because of that. I ended up sitting in my dorm the first two years of college without any real friends and very introverted.

I got into a sorority and that changed everything for better and worse. I had a network and people who I talked to and hung out with. It was pretty cool all around. Then some stuff happened that left me feeling more isolated than before. I felt completely ostracized from the group and I became... reckless. I wasn't suicidal, but I was deeply depressed and felt incredibly (guess what?) isolated. Luckily, I had some friends outside the orgo who helped me cope with those feelings. The first time, I went back and tried to work things out internally. The second time, I gave up (on it and them) and went to a therapist.

So there you have it. I am someone who feels isolated most of the time. Partially because I'm actually isolated and partially because I physically (maybe emotionally as well?) isolate myself. Pop psychology 101 folks. Cynicism aside, though, working through stuff on this blog has been therapeutic as well. It's nice to keep track of my reflections and watch patterns that crop up and try to figure out why. Like I never realized how much I talk about high school as though it were the apex of my life. It was a pretty lousy time, but I guess it was better than how it is now. Guess I never adjusted to college. If nothing else, I guess this all gives me something to talk to my therapist about.

That's all for now. And thanks for reading!
~R.

Updates and (Possible) Changes

I haven't been feeling so hot lately. My mood has been really inconsistent and I'm feeling sluggish again. Plus, I've started getting increasingly sad as the day goes on. It's times like this when I miss The Poet. She was my little night owl. I just want to be held and petted all night. Kisses would be nice too.

I made a girl pause today. She was in the middle of something, saw me, and just stopped and looked at me, slack jawed and starry eyed, for a second or so. It was nice. She was pretty cute too. I forget that people can find me attractive sometimes. Speaking of which, I still haven't talked to this guy I'm interested in. It's a bit frustrating because I want to be smooth about it and just casually talk to him, but it's also taking too long. He could be a major jerk or the sweetest guy I've ever met, but I won't know because I've never had a significant conversation with him.

And the bestie is still the bestie. I don't want to bother her about it anymore, but I've still been on edge. I think I just need to see her. She has really intense nonverbal expressions so I think it would put me at ease to have my senses know that everything is okay, instead of just my head, which constantly doubts itself. If something feels off, then I'll have reason to freak and bring it up again. For now, I'm going to try to convince myself that that's the end of it.

Anyway, I have a new idea and focus for a blog. Most likely, it's going to be the place where I do critical theory on pop culture. I'm probably going to still keep this one and shield it so I can write about my personal life in (relative) private.

I've also been writing creatively since the last post. The story line that I'm working on doesn't have a complete arc just yet, but there's already room for more. This makes me very happy. I'm going to need to find a place to put that stuff too.

Welp, that's all for now. Til next time.
---Rogue