Sleepy Post: Three of a Kind

Okay not to make any grand sweeping statements, but I'm never going to find anyone!

Silliness aside, here's my dilemma: there are three people who I want to make happy time with. All three are committed in one way or the other. One stimulates me mentally, mostly, the other two stimulate me physically. Of the two that stimulates me physically, one makes me feel emotional, the other, feral. I feel like all three like me in some way, but I'm terrible at reading signs so they all could just be incredibly friendly. Of the three, I'm only afraid of losing one, but I'm afraid of getting my butt kicked by the other's partner (not literally though). And I'd be afraid to break up the relationship of the last one. I only want to be in a relationship with one of the three  The other two spell disaster from a mile away. Let's break it down with letters!

Person A: Incredibly smart, stimulates me mentally in ways that only professors have been able to interest me, incredibly honest, open-minded, adventurous, spontaneous, wonderful sense of humor, experienced, settled, strong, could hold me down both mentally and physically, BUT has penis (which I'm not too big on at the moment).

Person B: Loving, sweet, funny, trustworthy, patient, sensuous, addictive, gorgeous BUT we're friends.

Person C: Innocent in a way that drives me crazy, kinky, sexual, open-minded, experimental, drives the blood straight into my pants at a moment's notice, BUT has a partner who I wouldn't be able to look in the face afterwards (unless I got permission beforehand).

I really couldn't imagine myself having sex with A because I can't get over the mental block of him having a penis. I really want to be with a woman at this point in my life, but if I ended up with him I would still be incredibly happy. He still has a nice body and I could learn to love his penis, I guess. I could definitely see myself lying in his arms and talking all night, but I would only want to do this if we got into a relationship. It would kill me to only be friends with him and be his cuddle buddy.

I go back and forth with whether I want to sex up B, because I enjoy her company more than I want her sex. The problem is that she is very seductive and I'm only mortal. She activates all of my senses. Part of me really doubts that she does it on purpose, but it still makes me want to jump her anyway. She would make both a good fuck buddy and cuddle buddy. I'm a bit confused about the logistics of our relationship, because she's definitely more butch than I am, but I also think that wouldn't be that big of a deal at all if we ever did anything. The problem is that I love having her as friend only. I don't know what sex (or cuddling) would do to our relationship and I'm pretty afraid of asking.

I definitely want to have sex with person C. I want to have wild, biting, scratching fun sex with C, but I actually like and respect her partner. I would want to wait until I got full permission before I did anything, even though I already know that the answer would be no because C's been pretty bad lately.  So fun time with (near) strangers is out of the question for now. I'm probably not going to see her for a while (meaning until next week) anyway so I should be fine. Even when I do see her, I'll make sure not to get her alone unless I've talked to her partner by then.

I'm uber concerned with sex right now because I haven't had any (even bad sex) for over a year and I really miss feeling other bodies. Besides that, I'm out of school so sex has been on my mind a lot. I've spent most of these last two days getting off. Anyway, I'm more interested in intimacy than just sex so that makes all of this harder. I feel bad because I've been using my friends as outlets for affection, but I'm not sure how far I can (or should) take it. Really, I just want full access to someone's body who consents to me being there. That would be awesome.

But I'm tired now so I'm going to stop. Good night, folks.
~R.

Sleepy Post: Adjusting (but anxious)

It's cold in my room, but I refuse to wear pants! Anyway, I thought it was time for a proper post.

So I adjusted my meds (meaning that I actually took them on time) and I feel much better than yesterday. Still anxious about school and such, but it's a lot easier to deal. Okay that's a lie, I'm still as scared as I was sans-meds but I'm not paralyzed by it all. I've pretty much skipped out on all the pre-graduation partying because 1) I'm not big on the fancy and 2) I'm not feeling up to celebrating.

I know this is only a transition thing that I'm going through. I did something incredibly similar in high school so I recognize this as my way of (not really) dealing with endings. The only difference between then and now is that I had a comfortable group of friends to fall back on. Here, it's too easy for me to lock myself away from everyone else. And if the Great Spaghetti Monster hadn't created facebook and text messaging, I doubt any of the people I know would know if I was dead or alive.

I can see why people push the idea of getting into organizations in college. It gives students a support system. Even those small organizations that play games or volunteer together are huge helps. In high school, I was forced into a lot of the organizations I got involved with and the adults loved to put me in charge of this or that bit of responsibility. It made me feel isolated and just wore me out in general. I told myself I wouldn't get into a bunch of stuff here because of that. I ended up sitting in my dorm the first two years of college without any real friends and very introverted.

I got into a sorority and that changed everything for better and worse. I had a network and people who I talked to and hung out with. It was pretty cool all around. Then some stuff happened that left me feeling more isolated than before. I felt completely ostracized from the group and I became... reckless. I wasn't suicidal, but I was deeply depressed and felt incredibly (guess what?) isolated. Luckily, I had some friends outside the orgo who helped me cope with those feelings. The first time, I went back and tried to work things out internally. The second time, I gave up (on it and them) and went to a therapist.

So there you have it. I am someone who feels isolated most of the time. Partially because I'm actually isolated and partially because I physically (maybe emotionally as well?) isolate myself. Pop psychology 101 folks. Cynicism aside, though, working through stuff on this blog has been therapeutic as well. It's nice to keep track of my reflections and watch patterns that crop up and try to figure out why. Like I never realized how much I talk about high school as though it were the apex of my life. It was a pretty lousy time, but I guess it was better than how it is now. Guess I never adjusted to college. If nothing else, I guess this all gives me something to talk to my therapist about.

That's all for now. And thanks for reading!
~R.

Sleepy Post: Grateful

I bitch and complain. I fight with my emotions. I try not to get too close to people because of really stupid reasons that would sound even more stupid if I typed them out. But one thing I know with everything in me is that I love that girl. It's not a romantic love, not a "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" love, and I doubt it's even an unconditional love; but it's something that makes me want to see her happy. It makes me happy that she exists. It gives me warm, fuzzy feelings. And even though it breaks my heart to hear her being upset (even in the past tense), it makes me happy to know that she trusts me enough to talk to me. It's just nice to hear from her every now and again.

Despite all of this, or maybe because of it, I'm pushing her away. I'm afraid of fucking up. I'm afraid of losing her because I'm emotional, don't know how to back off, don't know how to talk, I feel stupid for telling her stuff, etc. I become afraid when I get this close to people. If I was on my shrink's couch (which is very plush by the way), I would say I never got over my dad's death or my mom being emotional unavailable early on then emotionally overwhelming later on or my feelings of abandonment by my siblings or whatever. In the grander scheme of things, though, all it means is that I'm probably going to casually lose touch with her like I've done with so many others before and this makes me really sad.

I just don't want to impose myself on people. And missing her hurts if I think about it too long. So I push it, and her, to the back of my head. She has her own life and I completely respect this. I'm just grateful that I got to be a part of it for a while.

---R.

Sleepy Post: Boys, boys, boys

Luckily, I can orgasm again. It only takes a bit more effort (and equipment) than I'm used to, but it is indeed possible. And they're pretty strong, which I'm perfectly fine with. I can't have any regular "meh, it's okay for tonight" or "I'm bored/quickie" orgasms, but like I said, I'm not complaining. I do wonder if it would be possible to retrain myself how to have those again. Or at least, to be able to do it that hard more frequently. Sounds like another good experiment to try out. What? It's science!

I had lunch with a male today and it made me incredibly happy. We only spent a little over an hour together, but I'm really eager to see him again. We talked about our respective lives, religion, morals, and mortality. I have no idea how we began on the conversation, but I was so surprised how open he was about his thoughts. His honesty was refreshing and a bit exciting. He is incredibly intelligent, attractive and conscientious. On top of that, he's an artist. I could easily see myself dating him, but I worry that my gender presentation would stop him from considering me a potential partner.

So I occasionally enjoy to cross dress. It's just a fact of life. I like gender bending and I find women in men's clothing near the height of sexiness. I guess I started cross-dressing as a way to reinvent myself after my last relationship. I never really felt attractive when I was with my ex so dressing more butch was a way for me to rebel against conventional feminine beauty and to discover my own self-worth. I gained a lot of self-esteem doing that because I finally began to recognize how cute I am. Unfortunately, women who dress like men are usually pegged to be masculine themselves. While this is generally true, I am definitely an exception.

Presently, I feel like I've settled into a more tomboy style that I think shows off both my femininity and masculinity. I definitely feel like a woman, whatever that means, and I am very much attracted to masculinity of either gender, but I'm not sure how that's going to come across to him. It seems to me that most people that buy into the machismo of masculinity, don't want to date someone who is also masculine. This is one of the big reasons why I don't date now. I really like this guy though so I plan to talk to him about it soon. Hopefully, he would be okay with it, but I'm not going to get my hopes up.

---Rogue

Sleepy Post: Privacy, Fame, and the Public

There's a part of me that wishes to remain anonymous and under the radar. There's a certain freedom to it. I can create a blog like this, one that's very honest and self-conscious, without fear of repercussion. That is, without it affecting my "real" life in any palpable way. It's nice to have a space where you consider those things you don't really express in real life. On the other hand, I do want to be read. Maybe not for this blog, but some future endeavor, I'd like to write stuff for a nice core audience. Hopefully, I'd be able to strike a nice balance between "rock star literary figure" big (which is so rare anyway) and "only read in workshops" small.

I'm saying all of this because I'm really ashamed of that last post. I don't recognize myself when I get that low in depression. Everything hurts so much that I do anything for attention (except, you know, engage with others). But I think I spend so much time ignoring my own feelings that when I do get depressed, I'm forced to face up to all those little insecurities instead of handling them, or at least acknowledging them. Everything in that last post was true to me on some level, but I refused to acknowledge it. It makes life harder to wonder everyday if your friends really like you or if they're using you. I honestly think it's somewhere in between, but when I'm depressed all of those self-esteem issues come up. No one could possibly like me. I'm only good for X. Blah blah blah. All of which I understand as complete bs when I'm normal again.

Anyway, I'm glad that I can make the stupid mistake of writing something like that to a nonexistent audience and it not completely blowing up in my face. Granted, I made myself look like a jackass, but I'm learning. Besides, I have a feeling that if I do ever switch over to a new blog, I'm still going to write about depression. I'll just have to remind myself not to do it while depressed. And so I write this with the understanding that a large, overnight readership to this blog isn't really an imminent concern.  But after this week, I became aware of how easily people will judge you for very stupid things and a blog like this would especially be target to that.

In other news....

Things have been getting much better. Writing that last post made me reflect on things and finally go get some extra help for the depression. I still get sad, but it's been more of a cleansing sadness than that dark pit of doom that I go into sometimes. So that's good. I also miss a few of my friends whom I haven't seen in a while, but I think I'm going to leave that to post another day.

---Rogue

Sleepy Post: Silver Edition

I keep intending to both write and check out some of the other features on this thing, but I just haven't had the time! Hopefully soon, I can get a more consistent schedule and find some sort of focus for this blog. For now, I'll make up for lost times by writing a sleepy post.

I'm back home! I took a small vacation out of town to visit some people I know and had a lot of fun. I really enjoy walking around and being a tourist, but I'm so glad to be off my feet for a while. I came back home today and almost immediately went to visit with friends. They also went out of town, although not as far. While we were exchanging stories about our individual adventures, Chubbs called. Apparently she's worried about me. This is the same girl who I've been avoiding like the plague for the last year after she dropped me like a piece of used tissue paper. While I am incredibly grateful to her leaving me, I do wish she would stay away. This unexpected gem made me realize just how much I've grown (and not) since then.

For one, I've started paying more attention to my own feelings, wants, needs, etc. I'm not great at it, but at least I'm more willing to tell people what I don't like and I do it more often. Sometimes, I can even muster up the courage to ask for what I want, which brings us to last weekend. I finally told my best friend that I have a crush on her. This is a big deal for me in a few ways. 1) This is the first time I've ever told someone I liked that I like them (I'm pretty inexperienced). 2) This is the first time in a very long time that I've had a reasonable crush on someone. 3) I actually want to kiss her.

I find a lot of different people attractive (friends included), but this rarely means that I want anything physical with them. I used to think that I was asexual, but now I just think that certain people catch my attention in different ways. When I first met this friend, let's call her Snowflake, I definitely thought she was physically attractive. Actually, I remember seeing her photo online before we met and thinking something like, "She looks cute... and goofy," which is still a pretty apt description.

When we met (which was a complete accident that probably would have never happened if I hadn't said that one random thing to that one random girl who took me to this one random meeting for a group that I randomly decided to join), it was in a group setting. Everyone talked and opened up about themselves pretty easily, except her. Even so, she still seemed so aware of everyone and everything else.  I got the chance to talk to her alone on a lot of different occasions and it was like the more she told me about herself, the more I wanted to know. Those days were frustrating because she would be in the middle of telling me some story about herself and would stop the second someone else came. I still don't know the end to a lot of those stories.

A while back, I started becoming increasingly aware of how beautiful she is. I became tense and awkward, all those little signs of a crush, but I locked it away in the back of my head. That is, until one night, we went out for drinks and got fairly drunk. Inhibitions on mute, I stared at her lips and everything in me screamed to steal a kiss. So what did I do? I stole her phone instead and ignored her the rest of the night. Because even drunk I couldn't make a move like that. I want her to stay comfortable with me like she is now. It's nice to know she enjoys my company. I don't want to ruin that by preying on her (which, I know, is such an exaggeration of something as small as a kiss). I finally came out and told her because I know I can trust her with my feelings and because part of me knows that she won't get too weirded out by it. That was my biggest fear and she's completely laid it to rest at this point. I told her and the world didn't end. We're still friends.

I'm just thinking via blog, which is probably why the post is so long tonight. I guess these are just all the words I had sitting inside of me this past week. Feels nice to lay them out like this. Oh well. Good night. Ciao. Bon Nuit. Buenos Tardes. Etc., etc., etc.

Quickie

This weekend has been incredibly interesting. I finally got to be a tourist in my city. I watched some pretty good lesbian films that I thought about reviewing. I walked around in the pouring rain with my friends singing loudly (and badly). I started playing an RPG and met some new people. I told my best friend that I have a crush on her and the world didn't end.

I want to write more, but I have a plane to catch tomorrow and I'm already so sleepy.

Sleepy Post: Playmate

Tonight sucked.

I'm mad, horny, frustrated, slightly depressed, and tired. I miss playing with another girl. I miss my senses being filled up with her, hands on fire, biting soft lips until she whimpers. I miss running my fingers across her hair, playing with softness, making her sigh or giggle. I miss sliding my fingers into her. I miss her wetness and feeling her muscles tense and tighten. I miss listening to a girl moan and orgasm. I miss her mouth on me. I miss being teased and played with. It's been about four years since I've had that and a year since I've had sex. I feel like a virgin again.

I've only been with two girls physically (and one girl who lived out of state and had a particular talent for phone sex). The first time I ever messed around with a girl, we were in high school. I'll call her Lilly. She could turn me on with a look or a lick of the lips (her mouth was magical), but it never went far because of a lot of random things. I was pretty reserved and afraid of losing control back then, she was afraid of being gay, we never had enough alone time, our mutual friend was also in love with her...

My ex (and first actual) girlfriend, who I'm going to call Chubbs, was the second. She sucked at sex and that's me being nice about it. She was a liar, incredibly insecure, and borderline psychologically abusive. I tried a lot of different things with her, but none of them ever felt particularly good or right. After our first time together, I think I was incapable of ever feeling anything good from her again. Even though I knew that at the time, for whatever reason, I still took her back. Ugh.

I guess I took the year off to purge myself from her. Went in and out of therapy, got some shiny new piercings, stopped blaming myself for her, started to accept myself again, other stuff. And now I miss being intimate. I don't think I'm particularly ready for another relationship and I've never been big on sex with strangers (or near strangers), but I'm definitely ready to play again.