Sleepy Post: Boys, boys, boys

Luckily, I can orgasm again. It only takes a bit more effort (and equipment) than I'm used to, but it is indeed possible. And they're pretty strong, which I'm perfectly fine with. I can't have any regular "meh, it's okay for tonight" or "I'm bored/quickie" orgasms, but like I said, I'm not complaining. I do wonder if it would be possible to retrain myself how to have those again. Or at least, to be able to do it that hard more frequently. Sounds like another good experiment to try out. What? It's science!

I had lunch with a male today and it made me incredibly happy. We only spent a little over an hour together, but I'm really eager to see him again. We talked about our respective lives, religion, morals, and mortality. I have no idea how we began on the conversation, but I was so surprised how open he was about his thoughts. His honesty was refreshing and a bit exciting. He is incredibly intelligent, attractive and conscientious. On top of that, he's an artist. I could easily see myself dating him, but I worry that my gender presentation would stop him from considering me a potential partner.

So I occasionally enjoy to cross dress. It's just a fact of life. I like gender bending and I find women in men's clothing near the height of sexiness. I guess I started cross-dressing as a way to reinvent myself after my last relationship. I never really felt attractive when I was with my ex so dressing more butch was a way for me to rebel against conventional feminine beauty and to discover my own self-worth. I gained a lot of self-esteem doing that because I finally began to recognize how cute I am. Unfortunately, women who dress like men are usually pegged to be masculine themselves. While this is generally true, I am definitely an exception.

Presently, I feel like I've settled into a more tomboy style that I think shows off both my femininity and masculinity. I definitely feel like a woman, whatever that means, and I am very much attracted to masculinity of either gender, but I'm not sure how that's going to come across to him. It seems to me that most people that buy into the machismo of masculinity, don't want to date someone who is also masculine. This is one of the big reasons why I don't date now. I really like this guy though so I plan to talk to him about it soon. Hopefully, he would be okay with it, but I'm not going to get my hopes up.

---Rogue

Sleepy Post: Silver Edition

I keep intending to both write and check out some of the other features on this thing, but I just haven't had the time! Hopefully soon, I can get a more consistent schedule and find some sort of focus for this blog. For now, I'll make up for lost times by writing a sleepy post.

I'm back home! I took a small vacation out of town to visit some people I know and had a lot of fun. I really enjoy walking around and being a tourist, but I'm so glad to be off my feet for a while. I came back home today and almost immediately went to visit with friends. They also went out of town, although not as far. While we were exchanging stories about our individual adventures, Chubbs called. Apparently she's worried about me. This is the same girl who I've been avoiding like the plague for the last year after she dropped me like a piece of used tissue paper. While I am incredibly grateful to her leaving me, I do wish she would stay away. This unexpected gem made me realize just how much I've grown (and not) since then.

For one, I've started paying more attention to my own feelings, wants, needs, etc. I'm not great at it, but at least I'm more willing to tell people what I don't like and I do it more often. Sometimes, I can even muster up the courage to ask for what I want, which brings us to last weekend. I finally told my best friend that I have a crush on her. This is a big deal for me in a few ways. 1) This is the first time I've ever told someone I liked that I like them (I'm pretty inexperienced). 2) This is the first time in a very long time that I've had a reasonable crush on someone. 3) I actually want to kiss her.

I find a lot of different people attractive (friends included), but this rarely means that I want anything physical with them. I used to think that I was asexual, but now I just think that certain people catch my attention in different ways. When I first met this friend, let's call her Snowflake, I definitely thought she was physically attractive. Actually, I remember seeing her photo online before we met and thinking something like, "She looks cute... and goofy," which is still a pretty apt description.

When we met (which was a complete accident that probably would have never happened if I hadn't said that one random thing to that one random girl who took me to this one random meeting for a group that I randomly decided to join), it was in a group setting. Everyone talked and opened up about themselves pretty easily, except her. Even so, she still seemed so aware of everyone and everything else.  I got the chance to talk to her alone on a lot of different occasions and it was like the more she told me about herself, the more I wanted to know. Those days were frustrating because she would be in the middle of telling me some story about herself and would stop the second someone else came. I still don't know the end to a lot of those stories.

A while back, I started becoming increasingly aware of how beautiful she is. I became tense and awkward, all those little signs of a crush, but I locked it away in the back of my head. That is, until one night, we went out for drinks and got fairly drunk. Inhibitions on mute, I stared at her lips and everything in me screamed to steal a kiss. So what did I do? I stole her phone instead and ignored her the rest of the night. Because even drunk I couldn't make a move like that. I want her to stay comfortable with me like she is now. It's nice to know she enjoys my company. I don't want to ruin that by preying on her (which, I know, is such an exaggeration of something as small as a kiss). I finally came out and told her because I know I can trust her with my feelings and because part of me knows that she won't get too weirded out by it. That was my biggest fear and she's completely laid it to rest at this point. I told her and the world didn't end. We're still friends.

I'm just thinking via blog, which is probably why the post is so long tonight. I guess these are just all the words I had sitting inside of me this past week. Feels nice to lay them out like this. Oh well. Good night. Ciao. Bon Nuit. Buenos Tardes. Etc., etc., etc.