Strange Things

Hi! I'm bisexual. I don't think I've explicitly said that here, but I am. I usually like girls more, but lately I've really been into guys. I feel like it's the Gentleman's fault. (That's the unofficial name of the guy I've been talking about for the last two posts or so.) I want him, but as much as he makes me happy and excited to be around him, I'm none to hopeful that it will lead anywhere. I sometimes get the feeling that people just don't find me attractive, but, more likely than not, they probably just exile me to the friend zone. That's what I think is going to happen with him.

I don't think I'm unattractive. I'm cute, adorable even, not sexy. I don't consider myself feminine visually, but I feel very feminine most of the time, which is weird I guess. I feel most comfortable in a tomboyish style, which usually ends up looking more butch than I intend. Apparently, I have a nice smile, which is good because I laugh a lot. And I'm smart. Also apparently, smartness is written across my face somehow. I don't know. These are the things people tell me. I don't know if that would be enough to attract someone, but that's all I got.

As of now, I just enjoy his company. He's really honest and open-minded in the way that I would want a potential partner to be. He's attractive and I can see myself being very comfortable lying his arms. He's also kinky enough to not find my (mostly vanilla) sadomasochistic tendencies too weird. We're both into a lot of the same things, but I haven't really told him much about me. Mostly because I just like hearing him talk. The more he talks the more I'm surprised by how similar our interests are. Oh and I like the way he feels when he hugs me.

Anything is possibly, but relationships are messy so I'm hesitant about telling him how I feel. I want to stay in this glow for a while, but I would also love the chance to date him. I've never been in a strictly monogamous, mutually consensual relationship before so this is both new and exciting for me. I've been feeling much better anyway with school drawing to a close so I may just go for it. What would I really have to lose? Stay tuned.

~R.

Sleepy Post: Boys, boys, boys

Luckily, I can orgasm again. It only takes a bit more effort (and equipment) than I'm used to, but it is indeed possible. And they're pretty strong, which I'm perfectly fine with. I can't have any regular "meh, it's okay for tonight" or "I'm bored/quickie" orgasms, but like I said, I'm not complaining. I do wonder if it would be possible to retrain myself how to have those again. Or at least, to be able to do it that hard more frequently. Sounds like another good experiment to try out. What? It's science!

I had lunch with a male today and it made me incredibly happy. We only spent a little over an hour together, but I'm really eager to see him again. We talked about our respective lives, religion, morals, and mortality. I have no idea how we began on the conversation, but I was so surprised how open he was about his thoughts. His honesty was refreshing and a bit exciting. He is incredibly intelligent, attractive and conscientious. On top of that, he's an artist. I could easily see myself dating him, but I worry that my gender presentation would stop him from considering me a potential partner.

So I occasionally enjoy to cross dress. It's just a fact of life. I like gender bending and I find women in men's clothing near the height of sexiness. I guess I started cross-dressing as a way to reinvent myself after my last relationship. I never really felt attractive when I was with my ex so dressing more butch was a way for me to rebel against conventional feminine beauty and to discover my own self-worth. I gained a lot of self-esteem doing that because I finally began to recognize how cute I am. Unfortunately, women who dress like men are usually pegged to be masculine themselves. While this is generally true, I am definitely an exception.

Presently, I feel like I've settled into a more tomboy style that I think shows off both my femininity and masculinity. I definitely feel like a woman, whatever that means, and I am very much attracted to masculinity of either gender, but I'm not sure how that's going to come across to him. It seems to me that most people that buy into the machismo of masculinity, don't want to date someone who is also masculine. This is one of the big reasons why I don't date now. I really like this guy though so I plan to talk to him about it soon. Hopefully, he would be okay with it, but I'm not going to get my hopes up.

---Rogue