I walk tomorrow. That's right folks, this Rogue is going to be a free woman in just a few short hours. Freedom actually came just a few minutes ago when I finished the last paper of my undergraduate career. When I tell you, I've never enjoyed pressing a button more than I did tonight, I probably would be lying because I own vibrators.
Tomorrow I will pack up and move back into my mom's house and start my adventure as a postgraduate. At this point, I'm just ready for things to slow down. We'll see what happens when reality hits. Until then, I'll watch an obscene about of movies, pretend that I'm going to read several different books, hopefully write creatively, and, of course, get my best friend uber wasted and call her boyfriend to take her home.
Because I'm classy.
~R.
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Friday, May 4, 2012
Happiness
A wonderful thing just happened to me. I realized that I'm leaving school without debt, with my own car, enough savings to cover me for a couple months after graduation, a small summer position to also cover me until I find another job, a place to stay (okay, it's my parents' house, but it's still a place to stay!), and a world of time to write, take pictures, travel, explore, read, and all of those other things that make me uber happy. In short, I hit the fucking jackpot!
I can slow down and enjoy life now. I don't have to rush to do anything, which was totally my impulse. It's going to suck to have to go back to the house, but I know my mom wouldn't mind at all. In fact, she would probably be overjoyed that I came back home, especially if I help out with the bills and start doing stuff around the house. I'll talk to her about it later this week to see how she feels, but I honestly don't think it would be a problem.
And since I don't know what the hell I want to do anyway, I can also use this time to take up internships or do other random jobs in fields I would have never considered before. The only real fear in all of this (and I guess the fear I've always had about life) is that I would get stuck in one place and not move. My hope is that I'll be so busy exploring the world that I wouldn't have time to get stuck. That seeing different places and doing different things will be enough motivation for me to keep moving, to move out of my parents' house, and maybe to move towards a career that I love. Not that any of this has to happen in any type of order.
I can relax now. I have time. I can do things. I can finally go back to writing! I'm glad I didn't apply to graduate school now. This is exactly what I needed.
~R.
I can slow down and enjoy life now. I don't have to rush to do anything, which was totally my impulse. It's going to suck to have to go back to the house, but I know my mom wouldn't mind at all. In fact, she would probably be overjoyed that I came back home, especially if I help out with the bills and start doing stuff around the house. I'll talk to her about it later this week to see how she feels, but I honestly don't think it would be a problem.
And since I don't know what the hell I want to do anyway, I can also use this time to take up internships or do other random jobs in fields I would have never considered before. The only real fear in all of this (and I guess the fear I've always had about life) is that I would get stuck in one place and not move. My hope is that I'll be so busy exploring the world that I wouldn't have time to get stuck. That seeing different places and doing different things will be enough motivation for me to keep moving, to move out of my parents' house, and maybe to move towards a career that I love. Not that any of this has to happen in any type of order.
I can relax now. I have time. I can do things. I can finally go back to writing! I'm glad I didn't apply to graduate school now. This is exactly what I needed.
~R.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Reprieve
I feel like I've been given a second chance. My professors were so gracious as to relax their requirements for the last few assignments of the semester. This means that I can breath again. I'm going to take this break to actually go see my family and maybe even get a full night's sleep. It's sad how I've let classes and grades consume my life, but it'll be all over in three more weeks. I'm probably going to continue to write about this for a while though because it feels like such a huge thing. I'm ending one chapter in my life and starting another.
I just can't believe it sometimes. Everything is too surreal.
Anyway, I have one more assignment that I need to finish before midnight. After that, I'm going to treat myself to a wank fest of the gods!
Because I totally deserve it.
~R.
I just can't believe it sometimes. Everything is too surreal.
Anyway, I have one more assignment that I need to finish before midnight. After that, I'm going to treat myself to a wank fest of the gods!
Because I totally deserve it.
~R.
Sleepy Post: Adjusting (but anxious)
It's cold in my room, but I refuse to wear pants! Anyway, I thought it was time for a proper post.
So I adjusted my meds (meaning that I actually took them on time) and I feel much better than yesterday. Still anxious about school and such, but it's a lot easier to deal. Okay that's a lie, I'm still as scared as I was sans-meds but I'm not paralyzed by it all. I've pretty much skipped out on all the pre-graduation partying because 1) I'm not big on the fancy and 2) I'm not feeling up to celebrating.
I know this is only a transition thing that I'm going through. I did something incredibly similar in high school so I recognize this as my way of (not really) dealing with endings. The only difference between then and now is that I had a comfortable group of friends to fall back on. Here, it's too easy for me to lock myself away from everyone else. And if the Great Spaghetti Monster hadn't created facebook and text messaging, I doubt any of the people I know would know if I was dead or alive.
I can see why people push the idea of getting into organizations in college. It gives students a support system. Even those small organizations that play games or volunteer together are huge helps. In high school, I was forced into a lot of the organizations I got involved with and the adults loved to put me in charge of this or that bit of responsibility. It made me feel isolated and just wore me out in general. I told myself I wouldn't get into a bunch of stuff here because of that. I ended up sitting in my dorm the first two years of college without any real friends and very introverted.
I got into a sorority and that changed everything for better and worse. I had a network and people who I talked to and hung out with. It was pretty cool all around. Then some stuff happened that left me feeling more isolated than before. I felt completely ostracized from the group and I became... reckless. I wasn't suicidal, but I was deeply depressed and felt incredibly (guess what?) isolated. Luckily, I had some friends outside the orgo who helped me cope with those feelings. The first time, I went back and tried to work things out internally. The second time, I gave up (on it and them) and went to a therapist.
So there you have it. I am someone who feels isolated most of the time. Partially because I'm actually isolated and partially because I physically (maybe emotionally as well?) isolate myself. Pop psychology 101 folks. Cynicism aside, though, working through stuff on this blog has been therapeutic as well. It's nice to keep track of my reflections and watch patterns that crop up and try to figure out why. Like I never realized how much I talk about high school as though it were the apex of my life. It was a pretty lousy time, but I guess it was better than how it is now. Guess I never adjusted to college. If nothing else, I guess this all gives me something to talk to my therapist about.
That's all for now. And thanks for reading!
~R.
So I adjusted my meds (meaning that I actually took them on time) and I feel much better than yesterday. Still anxious about school and such, but it's a lot easier to deal. Okay that's a lie, I'm still as scared as I was sans-meds but I'm not paralyzed by it all. I've pretty much skipped out on all the pre-graduation partying because 1) I'm not big on the fancy and 2) I'm not feeling up to celebrating.
I know this is only a transition thing that I'm going through. I did something incredibly similar in high school so I recognize this as my way of (not really) dealing with endings. The only difference between then and now is that I had a comfortable group of friends to fall back on. Here, it's too easy for me to lock myself away from everyone else. And if the Great Spaghetti Monster hadn't created facebook and text messaging, I doubt any of the people I know would know if I was dead or alive.
I can see why people push the idea of getting into organizations in college. It gives students a support system. Even those small organizations that play games or volunteer together are huge helps. In high school, I was forced into a lot of the organizations I got involved with and the adults loved to put me in charge of this or that bit of responsibility. It made me feel isolated and just wore me out in general. I told myself I wouldn't get into a bunch of stuff here because of that. I ended up sitting in my dorm the first two years of college without any real friends and very introverted.
I got into a sorority and that changed everything for better and worse. I had a network and people who I talked to and hung out with. It was pretty cool all around. Then some stuff happened that left me feeling more isolated than before. I felt completely ostracized from the group and I became... reckless. I wasn't suicidal, but I was deeply depressed and felt incredibly (guess what?) isolated. Luckily, I had some friends outside the orgo who helped me cope with those feelings. The first time, I went back and tried to work things out internally. The second time, I gave up (on it and them) and went to a therapist.
So there you have it. I am someone who feels isolated most of the time. Partially because I'm actually isolated and partially because I physically (maybe emotionally as well?) isolate myself. Pop psychology 101 folks. Cynicism aside, though, working through stuff on this blog has been therapeutic as well. It's nice to keep track of my reflections and watch patterns that crop up and try to figure out why. Like I never realized how much I talk about high school as though it were the apex of my life. It was a pretty lousy time, but I guess it was better than how it is now. Guess I never adjusted to college. If nothing else, I guess this all gives me something to talk to my therapist about.
That's all for now. And thanks for reading!
~R.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Sleepy Post: Boys, boys, boys
Luckily, I can orgasm again. It only takes a bit more effort (and equipment) than I'm used to, but it is indeed possible. And they're pretty strong, which I'm perfectly fine with. I can't have any regular "meh, it's okay for tonight" or "I'm bored/quickie" orgasms, but like I said, I'm not complaining. I do wonder if it would be possible to retrain myself how to have those again. Or at least, to be able to do it that hard more frequently. Sounds like another good experiment to try out. What? It's science!
I had lunch with a male today and it made me incredibly happy. We only spent a little over an hour together, but I'm really eager to see him again. We talked about our respective lives, religion, morals, and mortality. I have no idea how we began on the conversation, but I was so surprised how open he was about his thoughts. His honesty was refreshing and a bit exciting. He is incredibly intelligent, attractive and conscientious. On top of that, he's an artist. I could easily see myself dating him, but I worry that my gender presentation would stop him from considering me a potential partner.
So I occasionally enjoy to cross dress. It's just a fact of life. I like gender bending and I find women in men's clothing near the height of sexiness. I guess I started cross-dressing as a way to reinvent myself after my last relationship. I never really felt attractive when I was with my ex so dressing more butch was a way for me to rebel against conventional feminine beauty and to discover my own self-worth. I gained a lot of self-esteem doing that because I finally began to recognize how cute I am. Unfortunately, women who dress like men are usually pegged to be masculine themselves. While this is generally true, I am definitely an exception.
Presently, I feel like I've settled into a more tomboy style that I think shows off both my femininity and masculinity. I definitely feel like a woman, whatever that means, and I am very much attracted to masculinity of either gender, but I'm not sure how that's going to come across to him. It seems to me that most people that buy into the machismo of masculinity, don't want to date someone who is also masculine. This is one of the big reasons why I don't date now. I really like this guy though so I plan to talk to him about it soon. Hopefully, he would be okay with it, but I'm not going to get my hopes up.
---Rogue
I had lunch with a male today and it made me incredibly happy. We only spent a little over an hour together, but I'm really eager to see him again. We talked about our respective lives, religion, morals, and mortality. I have no idea how we began on the conversation, but I was so surprised how open he was about his thoughts. His honesty was refreshing and a bit exciting. He is incredibly intelligent, attractive and conscientious. On top of that, he's an artist. I could easily see myself dating him, but I worry that my gender presentation would stop him from considering me a potential partner.
So I occasionally enjoy to cross dress. It's just a fact of life. I like gender bending and I find women in men's clothing near the height of sexiness. I guess I started cross-dressing as a way to reinvent myself after my last relationship. I never really felt attractive when I was with my ex so dressing more butch was a way for me to rebel against conventional feminine beauty and to discover my own self-worth. I gained a lot of self-esteem doing that because I finally began to recognize how cute I am. Unfortunately, women who dress like men are usually pegged to be masculine themselves. While this is generally true, I am definitely an exception.
Presently, I feel like I've settled into a more tomboy style that I think shows off both my femininity and masculinity. I definitely feel like a woman, whatever that means, and I am very much attracted to masculinity of either gender, but I'm not sure how that's going to come across to him. It seems to me that most people that buy into the machismo of masculinity, don't want to date someone who is also masculine. This is one of the big reasons why I don't date now. I really like this guy though so I plan to talk to him about it soon. Hopefully, he would be okay with it, but I'm not going to get my hopes up.
---Rogue
Monday, March 19, 2012
Confessional: Project
I want to start a creative project. No, actually, I want to FINISH a creative project. I have so many in my head, but nothing ever gets off the ground because I have the attention span of a small child.
Technically, I'm working on what I hope to be a graphic novel, or a mediocre webcomic with a modest following. The last time I spent any significant time on it was at an airport in Utah two months ago. I made a lot of headway on it and was really enjoying the story line. I think I treat myself to creative stuff. When I know I can relax, I'll start taking and editing pictures or writing bad poems and decent short stories. I've beat it in my head that all my creative stuff is a hobby and that's it. It won't feed my travelling addiction or keep me in the latest bookstore. Right now, I'm thinking about all the class work I need to get done, but instead of doing any of it, I'm sitting in my room procrastinating like hell on the internet because I don't want to lead a group project.
God. How much time have I wasted procrastinating on the internet when I could be procrastinating on something I love to do?
Meh. I blame everything on being terrified of indulging myself and having a near manic desire to fit in. I lose myself in the things I like: sex, work, talking to people, people, writing, whatever. It scares me because I lose control, but I also like that I lose control in those things. When I'm in that head space nothing else matters, but it scares me because I can't control it, but... well, you get the picture. I don't know why I do that. Maybe I'm holding myself up to other people's standards? I mean getting good grades means nothing to me right now, but I still have this strange notion that I can't do badly this semester (or I can't do badly on this assignment, etc.). It's the same thing with careers. I feel like I should be going into one of those "successful" careers of the last post, even though I'm also fighting against it. Whatever it is, I still have a tendency to deny myself the things that I want most (cue memories of Lilly).
The raging desire to fit in is one of those stupid ticks I got growing up. There came a time when I started to feel distinctly different from my family. I was too young for my siblings, too old and far away from my cousins, and I saw my nieces and nephews infrequently. Shy in elementary. Awkward and occasionally picked on in middle school. By high school, I pretty much lost all interest in my peers. I made a lot of friends though and we all bonded over music, art, our interest in sex, and our mutual awkwardness. But I was always much more interested in talking to my teachers, even though it made me feel a bit awkward (which is all still true now). It didn't help that the adults in my life all treated me like some golden child the whole way through. They loved putting me in front of crowds, make me lead things, or give speeches. This made the closest of my friends jealous of me and everyone else put me on a small pedestal.
Needless to say (but I'm going to anyway), I hated it. Stuff like that still makes me a bit uncomfortable (when my prof looks at me to speak up in class, when my manager gives me the keys to something because I'm "responsible and can handle it", commanding the attention of a room, leading anything), but I still end up being in those positions. I'm the kind of person who thrives on love and affection. It kills me to have people put me at a distance or set me apart. I hid my past from a lot of the friends I have now and I still get pointed out as "intelligent". All that being lonely stuff is probably what led me to the depression. Oh and I'm also really distrustful of people when they tell me I'm good at something.
Blurg. See, if I wasn't fucked up enough to actually finish something, I'd be just fucked up enough to be an awesome artist. Ciao loves.
---Rogue
Technically, I'm working on what I hope to be a graphic novel, or a mediocre webcomic with a modest following. The last time I spent any significant time on it was at an airport in Utah two months ago. I made a lot of headway on it and was really enjoying the story line. I think I treat myself to creative stuff. When I know I can relax, I'll start taking and editing pictures or writing bad poems and decent short stories. I've beat it in my head that all my creative stuff is a hobby and that's it. It won't feed my travelling addiction or keep me in the latest bookstore. Right now, I'm thinking about all the class work I need to get done, but instead of doing any of it, I'm sitting in my room procrastinating like hell on the internet because I don't want to lead a group project.
God. How much time have I wasted procrastinating on the internet when I could be procrastinating on something I love to do?
Meh. I blame everything on being terrified of indulging myself and having a near manic desire to fit in. I lose myself in the things I like: sex, work, talking to people, people, writing, whatever. It scares me because I lose control, but I also like that I lose control in those things. When I'm in that head space nothing else matters, but it scares me because I can't control it, but... well, you get the picture. I don't know why I do that. Maybe I'm holding myself up to other people's standards? I mean getting good grades means nothing to me right now, but I still have this strange notion that I can't do badly this semester (or I can't do badly on this assignment, etc.). It's the same thing with careers. I feel like I should be going into one of those "successful" careers of the last post, even though I'm also fighting against it. Whatever it is, I still have a tendency to deny myself the things that I want most (cue memories of Lilly).
The raging desire to fit in is one of those stupid ticks I got growing up. There came a time when I started to feel distinctly different from my family. I was too young for my siblings, too old and far away from my cousins, and I saw my nieces and nephews infrequently. Shy in elementary. Awkward and occasionally picked on in middle school. By high school, I pretty much lost all interest in my peers. I made a lot of friends though and we all bonded over music, art, our interest in sex, and our mutual awkwardness. But I was always much more interested in talking to my teachers, even though it made me feel a bit awkward (which is all still true now). It didn't help that the adults in my life all treated me like some golden child the whole way through. They loved putting me in front of crowds, make me lead things, or give speeches. This made the closest of my friends jealous of me and everyone else put me on a small pedestal.
Needless to say (but I'm going to anyway), I hated it. Stuff like that still makes me a bit uncomfortable (when my prof looks at me to speak up in class, when my manager gives me the keys to something because I'm "responsible and can handle it", commanding the attention of a room, leading anything), but I still end up being in those positions. I'm the kind of person who thrives on love and affection. It kills me to have people put me at a distance or set me apart. I hid my past from a lot of the friends I have now and I still get pointed out as "intelligent". All that being lonely stuff is probably what led me to the depression. Oh and I'm also really distrustful of people when they tell me I'm good at something.
Blurg. See, if I wasn't fucked up enough to actually finish something, I'd be just fucked up enough to be an awesome artist. Ciao loves.
---Rogue
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Life and Such
So I'm a rogue scholar. I love the name. I love what it means. I love that a "rogue" is a dishonest man. I love that this is exactly what I feel like, even though I'm neither a man nor dishonest. I have a thing for words.
I feel like I've been groomed for success from an early age, which is funny because I'll be the first to tell you that I've always been a big fish in a small pond (except in elementary, when I was arguably "normal"). People have wanted me to be a doctor, an engineer, a lawyer, to have a traditional "successful" career. The people around me now are trying to turn me into a professor, which is why I'm on the lamb from grad school (although I'm probably going to go anyway). I'm almost out of college and I'm half-jokingly (but quite seriously) thinking about how I can get into the sex industry. This is to say that I'm not nearly as traditional as anyone would want me to be.
Part of it seems to be because I'm surrounded by people who are occasionally and hopelessly provincial. There's nothing wrong with that, but it makes for a pretty lonely life. Lonely because it makes me feel different. When everyone around you thinks that the pinnacle of life is to be married to one person while working a stable job in middle management, trying to explain your desire to move to the other side of the country to take photos of BDSM models while having an open relationship with one of them is a little strange. Hell to even attempt to explain a slight bent towards BDSM is out of the question. I once tried to explain to someone how sex with a friend seems like a perfectly natural extension of the love you have for them (both parties being mutual and consenting, of course) and it was like I was speaking in a foreign language.
I don't believe in the "one and only forever love" thing. I think that idealizes people too much. I think there are people who will have a huge impact on your life, people who you'd want to keep around and make a life with, and even people who you just want to have sweaty fun time with, but every connection with another person is special. I like people at their messiest, most honest, and most unsure. But that's just me. Live and let live I think. Point being is that I'm dying to find adventurous, artsy, thoughtful people. I can't be the only person in the world who feels like this. There has to be more.
Bleh. My rant for the night.
-Rogue
I feel like I've been groomed for success from an early age, which is funny because I'll be the first to tell you that I've always been a big fish in a small pond (except in elementary, when I was arguably "normal"). People have wanted me to be a doctor, an engineer, a lawyer, to have a traditional "successful" career. The people around me now are trying to turn me into a professor, which is why I'm on the lamb from grad school (although I'm probably going to go anyway). I'm almost out of college and I'm half-jokingly (but quite seriously) thinking about how I can get into the sex industry. This is to say that I'm not nearly as traditional as anyone would want me to be.
Part of it seems to be because I'm surrounded by people who are occasionally and hopelessly provincial. There's nothing wrong with that, but it makes for a pretty lonely life. Lonely because it makes me feel different. When everyone around you thinks that the pinnacle of life is to be married to one person while working a stable job in middle management, trying to explain your desire to move to the other side of the country to take photos of BDSM models while having an open relationship with one of them is a little strange. Hell to even attempt to explain a slight bent towards BDSM is out of the question. I once tried to explain to someone how sex with a friend seems like a perfectly natural extension of the love you have for them (both parties being mutual and consenting, of course) and it was like I was speaking in a foreign language.
I don't believe in the "one and only forever love" thing. I think that idealizes people too much. I think there are people who will have a huge impact on your life, people who you'd want to keep around and make a life with, and even people who you just want to have sweaty fun time with, but every connection with another person is special. I like people at their messiest, most honest, and most unsure. But that's just me. Live and let live I think. Point being is that I'm dying to find adventurous, artsy, thoughtful people. I can't be the only person in the world who feels like this. There has to be more.
Bleh. My rant for the night.
-Rogue
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)