Spoke Too Soon

So my internet is playing a game with me. One minute it's up and perfectly fine. The next, it's like I never gave it a loving home. I did break down and call tech support. Paul helped me. He was a nice man. Annoying, but nice. He got me connected and running smoothly for about four hours. Then no more connection. It was only by chance that it's up now. Meh.

Recap of the past and current month (in no real order):

Still in the midst of a job search. Turned down one position, going through the motions of the other even though I'm not sure if I want it now. It's a a soul eater (career job) and I'm definitely not ready for a career anything right now. It would require relocation, which is exciting, but I feel like I should stay put and work on getting video and design experience. I applied for like ten more in my area, all mostly part time. Went on only about two interviews in all this time. I'm still trying to learn graphic design at the job I work now, but I really need to pull in a bigger check. A second job is definitely in order.

Going to my first class in baby film school this weekend, which I am uber excited about. The course is in editing so I get the chance to see if that should really be my focus or not. Just from my own research into these careers it seems like a good fit, but having real experience with it would be a better judge of it.


May have broken off a friendship. Or maybe it's just something that I'm considering doing. If nothing else, I really do need to reevaluate the friend's place in my life. It's not really a big dramatic thing because this is mostly going to be an internal change, but if we lose touch in the meantime, I'm not going to worry over it. We both know where I am in this and it'll probably be better for the both of us. I need to talk to her before I make any real changes, but I already have a feeling about how this is going to end.


Flashed myself a few more times in the mirror. It's healing very nicely. Barely touching it gives it a quick rise. Usually, it takes a bit of coaxing.


Getting off the meds and actively working through my depression issues. Getting off of them is more of a "I don't have the means to stay on them" kind of thing right now. So it'll be better for me to wean off them with the ones I have left instead of waking up one day and realizing that I'm all out. Because that would suck. Majorly. Instead, I figure that I should be more active in trying to work through my depression. I had a major episode a couple of weeks ago that ended with me writing out a bunch of stuff, blowing up on one friend, and bonding with another. Mostly, it seems like I have a lot of unresolved stuff with my family that I need to work on. It makes me think that that's where a big part of my loneliness and feeling out of place comes in from. If I could go back to therapy that would be much better, but until I get my medical stuff straightened out I'm kinda on my own so I'll probably be writing about a lot of it here.


And I made a sandwich to end all sandwiches. There was pesto involved. Speaking of food, I'm going to go cook. Until next time,
~R.

Success!

I have rescued my interwebs from the scourge of notworkingness! So far as I know, it should give me a steady signal from here on out. Many words shall be had and written -- mostly me working stuff out -- and, of course, more TMI Tuesdays.

Oh! I got my nipple pierced (again)! It looks wonderful. I can't stop flashing myself in the mirror. Hopefully, a vertical clitoral hood piercing will be next.
~Rouge

Behind and Tired

Hello there. It's been a while hasn't it? Well the interwebs are up and running at my house so yay for that. I've been running around and trying to keep busy -- finally applying for jobs and such -- and I've worn myself out by staying out of the house as much as possible. I am so very behind on everyone's blogs, but this gives me something to do on my off day. I skim through my list and peek and the different pages and get excited. There's some good stuff going on in blogger while I webless.

In other news, I got another piercing. This happened weeks ago, but I thought I'd mention it here. It was just another one on my ear. My nipple, clitoris, and tongue are all without metal for the time being. Although, I may have my nipple repierced again soon. I keep meaning to go do it, but I've been so busy lately. I should be getting my clitoral hood pierced on my birthday next month and I'm not sure when or if I'll get my tongue done. I only want to get it pierced if I absolutely have to take out my lip piercing. Otherwise, I'm not going to do it. I'm in love with my lip piercing and would be heartbroken to give it up.

The job hunt is going strangely well. I have mixed feelings about this because I partially don't want to work, but I do like nice things. Besides, I have this idea to drive across the US for maybe a month or two couch surfing and living in hostels just for the hell of it. I love driving and my sister is willing to rent me a car so it seems like a cool idea, but I would really need to start saving up for it. I also have another idea to start up a small business on my own, but I'm really not in the mindset for it. Call me overconfident, but it seems like too good of an idea and something that would actually work and make a good profit. Although I do plan to add business owner to my name one day, I'm just not ready for that now. I have friends who keep bugging me about it so it's probably going to be on my mind for a while. Especially with Pride coming up.

And I missed TMI Tuesday! Boo! That's really one of my favorite games to play on here. I may pick up some of the other ones later on.

Long ago I mentioned starting up a second blog and keeping this one for personal stuff (maybe sprucing it up a bit if I can ever figure out blogger). The idea has come back, but I think instead of blogger I'm going to move to wordpress. I don't know. I have a lot of ideas and want to do a lot of things but I'm slow about everything.
That's all for now. I'm going to go to bed and fall asleep playing sudoku.

~Rogue

Internetless

I do not have the interwebs at home. It's been a horrid few weeks but whatever; it should be back on soon.  In the meantime, major life lessons learned offline:

1) Medicine works best when you take it.
2) If you don't see them or hear from them for weeks at a time, then you probably shouldn't call them a friend (or at least understand what kind of friend they are).
3) Speed dating is both amazing and terrible.
4) Guys like me (crazy, right?), but I'd much rather have a girlfriend.
5) There's a 50% chance you'll get what you ask for; compared to a 0% chance when you don't ask.
6) It's bartender(ing?) season!
7) I am TERRIBLE at entertaining in medium sized groups... and making small talk about myself.
8) I should probably go to grad school for creative writing (because everything seems pointless if I can't chase after my dreams).
9) Programmers desperately need creative writers in the field -- at least to write their manuals.
10) Always keep the ones who call you just to see how you're doing -- even before they know something's wrong.

That's about it for now. I'm probably going to spend some time catching up on some other blogs (which I have missed so much!) and then head home. I need to put out some applications in tomorrow, but I keep forgetting to print my resume.

xox ~Rogue

Road Trips and New Projects

I went on the first road trip of the summer yesterday. It was pretty awesome, but incredibly tiring. I went with my best friend to see one of our other friends and her girlfriend. I missed them muchly. They took us all over their town and by the time we made it to the bar that night, I was totally wiped out. That didn't stop me from getting mildly drunk and playing word search. And even though I felt like I failed at keeping my bestie entertained, she (not so subtly) reminded me that she's not that high maintenance. So I played more word search and we left.

I needed the quiet today. Yesterday was filled with noise. People, cars, music, more people, indistinct chatter, everything. Lots and lots of noise. Today, there's nothing but calmness. Tomorrow, there will probably be more adventure. And maybe a kitten (which I'm highly allergic to)!

Given time alone, I see that I really don't write much. When I do write, I tend to write for hours or until I have to make myself go to sleep. Unfortunately, when I stop writing in the middle of a new project, it seems I won't remember where I was going with it. But I do seem to enjoy the revision process. I've been revising the same four pages for about a week now, but only because I don't know where to go anymore. I may switch over to another project until I figure that one out.

I'm adding bartending, programming, and nonlinear editing to my list of possible skills for the remainder of this month and the next. I may be getting my license to sell alcohol on Tuesday and starting bartending school next week. Or maybe this weekend, depending. I'm also going to try my hardest to get through my C++ book. It's a hefty book with a lot of technical jargon, but I'm going to try it out anyway. I want to see if I actually like programming things before I go to school in it. Towards the end of next month I plan to take a weekend class on Final Cut Pro X to see if I like it. Lots of experimental things going on in June if I actually do any of it.

As to romance, I think I'm making progress! Not with anyone, just with the way I see things. I always knew that I have to start asking for what I want, but I'm scared that it would change the way people see me. I've always been afraid that it would make them think that all I wanted from them was sex (or kisses or cuddles or whatever). Now I'm starting to see there's a difference between being gross and being genuine.

Saying something like, "You and I both know we're going to bang, so let's cut the crap and get to it" probably won't get me the response I want (not that I would ever say something like that, well, not usually). But maybe something like, "It's totally okay if you don't want to, but would it be okay if I kissed you right now" probably would. The point being that it's okay to find someone attractive. And it's okay to want to kiss them and cuddle with them. And asking for those things doesn't automatically make you a sleazy perv. Rudimentary, yes, but something I've never really wrapped my head around.

It's sad that I'm only now beginning to learn these things. But I did learn other totally awesome things, like reading and being open-minded! So I guess that evens things out some.

Anyway. I'm going to read some comics, maybe watch a movie, thumb through this big ass book and go to sleep. Hope everyone else is doing well too. Night!

~Rogue

Happiness

A wonderful thing just happened to me. I realized that I'm leaving school without debt, with my own car, enough savings to cover me for a couple months after graduation, a small summer position to also cover me until I find another job, a place to stay (okay, it's my parents' house, but it's still a place to stay!), and a world of time to write, take pictures, travel, explore, read, and all of those other things that make me uber happy. In short, I hit the fucking jackpot!

I can slow down and enjoy life now. I don't have to rush to do anything, which was totally my impulse. It's going to suck to have to go back to the house, but I know my mom wouldn't mind at all. In fact, she would probably be overjoyed that I came back home, especially if I help out with the bills and start doing stuff around the house. I'll talk to her about it later this week to see how she feels, but I honestly don't think it would be a problem.

And since I don't know what the hell I want to do anyway, I can also use this time to take up internships or do other random jobs in fields I would have never considered before. The only real fear in all of this (and I guess the fear I've always had about life) is that I would get stuck in one place and not move. My hope is that I'll be so busy exploring the world that I wouldn't have time to get stuck. That seeing different places and doing different things will be enough motivation for me to keep moving, to move out of my parents' house, and maybe to move towards a career that I love. Not that any of this has to happen in any type of order.

I can relax now. I have time. I can do things. I can finally go back to writing! I'm glad I didn't apply to graduate school now. This is exactly what I needed.

~R.

Updates and (Possible) Changes

I haven't been feeling so hot lately. My mood has been really inconsistent and I'm feeling sluggish again. Plus, I've started getting increasingly sad as the day goes on. It's times like this when I miss The Poet. She was my little night owl. I just want to be held and petted all night. Kisses would be nice too.

I made a girl pause today. She was in the middle of something, saw me, and just stopped and looked at me, slack jawed and starry eyed, for a second or so. It was nice. She was pretty cute too. I forget that people can find me attractive sometimes. Speaking of which, I still haven't talked to this guy I'm interested in. It's a bit frustrating because I want to be smooth about it and just casually talk to him, but it's also taking too long. He could be a major jerk or the sweetest guy I've ever met, but I won't know because I've never had a significant conversation with him.

And the bestie is still the bestie. I don't want to bother her about it anymore, but I've still been on edge. I think I just need to see her. She has really intense nonverbal expressions so I think it would put me at ease to have my senses know that everything is okay, instead of just my head, which constantly doubts itself. If something feels off, then I'll have reason to freak and bring it up again. For now, I'm going to try to convince myself that that's the end of it.

Anyway, I have a new idea and focus for a blog. Most likely, it's going to be the place where I do critical theory on pop culture. I'm probably going to still keep this one and shield it so I can write about my personal life in (relative) private.

I've also been writing creatively since the last post. The story line that I'm working on doesn't have a complete arc just yet, but there's already room for more. This makes me very happy. I'm going to need to find a place to put that stuff too.

Welp, that's all for now. Til next time.
---Rogue