Spoke Too Soon

So my internet is playing a game with me. One minute it's up and perfectly fine. The next, it's like I never gave it a loving home. I did break down and call tech support. Paul helped me. He was a nice man. Annoying, but nice. He got me connected and running smoothly for about four hours. Then no more connection. It was only by chance that it's up now. Meh.

Recap of the past and current month (in no real order):

Still in the midst of a job search. Turned down one position, going through the motions of the other even though I'm not sure if I want it now. It's a a soul eater (career job) and I'm definitely not ready for a career anything right now. It would require relocation, which is exciting, but I feel like I should stay put and work on getting video and design experience. I applied for like ten more in my area, all mostly part time. Went on only about two interviews in all this time. I'm still trying to learn graphic design at the job I work now, but I really need to pull in a bigger check. A second job is definitely in order.

Going to my first class in baby film school this weekend, which I am uber excited about. The course is in editing so I get the chance to see if that should really be my focus or not. Just from my own research into these careers it seems like a good fit, but having real experience with it would be a better judge of it.


May have broken off a friendship. Or maybe it's just something that I'm considering doing. If nothing else, I really do need to reevaluate the friend's place in my life. It's not really a big dramatic thing because this is mostly going to be an internal change, but if we lose touch in the meantime, I'm not going to worry over it. We both know where I am in this and it'll probably be better for the both of us. I need to talk to her before I make any real changes, but I already have a feeling about how this is going to end.


Flashed myself a few more times in the mirror. It's healing very nicely. Barely touching it gives it a quick rise. Usually, it takes a bit of coaxing.


Getting off the meds and actively working through my depression issues. Getting off of them is more of a "I don't have the means to stay on them" kind of thing right now. So it'll be better for me to wean off them with the ones I have left instead of waking up one day and realizing that I'm all out. Because that would suck. Majorly. Instead, I figure that I should be more active in trying to work through my depression. I had a major episode a couple of weeks ago that ended with me writing out a bunch of stuff, blowing up on one friend, and bonding with another. Mostly, it seems like I have a lot of unresolved stuff with my family that I need to work on. It makes me think that that's where a big part of my loneliness and feeling out of place comes in from. If I could go back to therapy that would be much better, but until I get my medical stuff straightened out I'm kinda on my own so I'll probably be writing about a lot of it here.


And I made a sandwich to end all sandwiches. There was pesto involved. Speaking of food, I'm going to go cook. Until next time,
~R.

The Little Orgasm That Could

I can't orgasm anymore! Well... not completely anyway.

I'm on a new medicine that has a particularly nasty side effect of decreasing sexual desire and/or the ability to orgasm. Guess which of the two I got? It may actually be both, but I wouldn't be able to tell. I don't think I've ever had a particularly high libido. Before now, I would masturbate or have sex because it felt good or I was bored or I needed to go to sleep or concentrate. I would get excited randomly, but it didn't happen enough for me to notice a difference if it slowed down.

I tried to orgasm last night and it was such a strange experience. It was like all the signals that my neurons were supposed to fire off didn't quite make it to my brain. The sensations were weak, but I still knew I was having them.... It was a ghost orgasm! I tried again today with a little more success (possibly making a few people a bit uncomfortable in the process). The stronger surges definitely hit, but it quickly faded if I didn't keep concentrating.

It's definitely weird, but I'm going to be on the meds for at least a month to see how they work and if my body finally adjusts to them. Some women can regain their orgasms after a while on the stuff so there's still hope. If not, most people seem to get back to normal after they stop taking them (though it may take a while). Either way, I'm not too worried. If anything, this seems to be the perfect time to experiment. I still get sensations and the stronger ones are enough for me to feel so maybe I can figure out how to have stronger orgasms. Probably not, especially with what I'm working against, but I'm going to try anyway. I  have nothing to lose.

Also this is the first post of April!

---Rogue