Running with Wolves

Yesterday, I called off an interview and hung out with a semi-new friend. I don't call off interviews because I need a new job, but I really didn't want that job anyway. It was at a grocery store. The pay is good and the work wouldn't be too boring, but I would be less embarrassed to tell people I'm a dominatrix, which I almost applied for - I still might actually.

Anyway, I went out with this friend to her friend's place, an hour away from everything I'm used to. Her friends are super friendly. I've only hung out with them a few times and they are already very affectionate and warm. I really enjoy that. After being around really uncomfortable people for so long it's nice to sit back and make really inappropriate jokes with people. Her friends are also kinda hot. I've already slightly hit on two of them and I'm seriously trying to figure out how to sleep with the third.

There are three girls and two guys in her group that I've met more than once so far. The boys are so nice! There's one with a beard who tickles me just to make me jump. He so sweet and completely dateable. The other is a total gamer and is on his computer most of the time that I'm there, but he seems happy to share certain... uhm, substances if one asks.

All three of the girls are incredibly hot in a very geeky, socially awkward way. All are vaguely bisexual. One is small, but not tiny, and very bouncy, happy, and fun. The other two are around my height and curvy. They both also like to walk around braless after taking a shower. And of course, since I'm a teenage boy (I'm not) there was an instant tent in my pants. Warm, slightly wet girls walking around very obviously without bras and who smell like they just stepped out of the shower (because they did) apparently turns me on. Who knew?

The teenage boy in me thinks that one of them is interested in me because of the way she watched me all night. And the braless hug at the end that she bounced into. And the stomach flashing that edged up a little higher than necessary, but too low to see anything good (see? teenage boy). There are slight moral problems with messing with any of them, of course, -- I'm the new guy, she's one of the friend's ex, she kinda only wants to use me to experiment, it wouldn't go anywhere beyond sex, etc., etc. -- but teenage boy boner knows no morals (so long as she happily consents of course). The best thing though is that 1) I wouldn't be afraid or ashamed to tell my friend about my interest and 2) I feel like I could actually do it ("it" being talking to the girl in question, making a move, and finally the "it" of the innuendo).

Boners and cute, awkward girls aside, they are a really nice group of folks. Even if sleeping with on of them would be a social or emotional misstep, I don't feel like it would affect my relationship with any of them too drastically and I love this. There's a lot of freedom in the ability to make mistakes. And boy am I ready to start making some bad decisions!

~R.

Behind and Tired

Hello there. It's been a while hasn't it? Well the interwebs are up and running at my house so yay for that. I've been running around and trying to keep busy -- finally applying for jobs and such -- and I've worn myself out by staying out of the house as much as possible. I am so very behind on everyone's blogs, but this gives me something to do on my off day. I skim through my list and peek and the different pages and get excited. There's some good stuff going on in blogger while I webless.

In other news, I got another piercing. This happened weeks ago, but I thought I'd mention it here. It was just another one on my ear. My nipple, clitoris, and tongue are all without metal for the time being. Although, I may have my nipple repierced again soon. I keep meaning to go do it, but I've been so busy lately. I should be getting my clitoral hood pierced on my birthday next month and I'm not sure when or if I'll get my tongue done. I only want to get it pierced if I absolutely have to take out my lip piercing. Otherwise, I'm not going to do it. I'm in love with my lip piercing and would be heartbroken to give it up.

The job hunt is going strangely well. I have mixed feelings about this because I partially don't want to work, but I do like nice things. Besides, I have this idea to drive across the US for maybe a month or two couch surfing and living in hostels just for the hell of it. I love driving and my sister is willing to rent me a car so it seems like a cool idea, but I would really need to start saving up for it. I also have another idea to start up a small business on my own, but I'm really not in the mindset for it. Call me overconfident, but it seems like too good of an idea and something that would actually work and make a good profit. Although I do plan to add business owner to my name one day, I'm just not ready for that now. I have friends who keep bugging me about it so it's probably going to be on my mind for a while. Especially with Pride coming up.

And I missed TMI Tuesday! Boo! That's really one of my favorite games to play on here. I may pick up some of the other ones later on.

Long ago I mentioned starting up a second blog and keeping this one for personal stuff (maybe sprucing it up a bit if I can ever figure out blogger). The idea has come back, but I think instead of blogger I'm going to move to wordpress. I don't know. I have a lot of ideas and want to do a lot of things but I'm slow about everything.
That's all for now. I'm going to go to bed and fall asleep playing sudoku.

~Rogue

Internetless

I do not have the interwebs at home. It's been a horrid few weeks but whatever; it should be back on soon.  In the meantime, major life lessons learned offline:

1) Medicine works best when you take it.
2) If you don't see them or hear from them for weeks at a time, then you probably shouldn't call them a friend (or at least understand what kind of friend they are).
3) Speed dating is both amazing and terrible.
4) Guys like me (crazy, right?), but I'd much rather have a girlfriend.
5) There's a 50% chance you'll get what you ask for; compared to a 0% chance when you don't ask.
6) It's bartender(ing?) season!
7) I am TERRIBLE at entertaining in medium sized groups... and making small talk about myself.
8) I should probably go to grad school for creative writing (because everything seems pointless if I can't chase after my dreams).
9) Programmers desperately need creative writers in the field -- at least to write their manuals.
10) Always keep the ones who call you just to see how you're doing -- even before they know something's wrong.

That's about it for now. I'm probably going to spend some time catching up on some other blogs (which I have missed so much!) and then head home. I need to put out some applications in tomorrow, but I keep forgetting to print my resume.

xox ~Rogue

Road Trips and New Projects

I went on the first road trip of the summer yesterday. It was pretty awesome, but incredibly tiring. I went with my best friend to see one of our other friends and her girlfriend. I missed them muchly. They took us all over their town and by the time we made it to the bar that night, I was totally wiped out. That didn't stop me from getting mildly drunk and playing word search. And even though I felt like I failed at keeping my bestie entertained, she (not so subtly) reminded me that she's not that high maintenance. So I played more word search and we left.

I needed the quiet today. Yesterday was filled with noise. People, cars, music, more people, indistinct chatter, everything. Lots and lots of noise. Today, there's nothing but calmness. Tomorrow, there will probably be more adventure. And maybe a kitten (which I'm highly allergic to)!

Given time alone, I see that I really don't write much. When I do write, I tend to write for hours or until I have to make myself go to sleep. Unfortunately, when I stop writing in the middle of a new project, it seems I won't remember where I was going with it. But I do seem to enjoy the revision process. I've been revising the same four pages for about a week now, but only because I don't know where to go anymore. I may switch over to another project until I figure that one out.

I'm adding bartending, programming, and nonlinear editing to my list of possible skills for the remainder of this month and the next. I may be getting my license to sell alcohol on Tuesday and starting bartending school next week. Or maybe this weekend, depending. I'm also going to try my hardest to get through my C++ book. It's a hefty book with a lot of technical jargon, but I'm going to try it out anyway. I want to see if I actually like programming things before I go to school in it. Towards the end of next month I plan to take a weekend class on Final Cut Pro X to see if I like it. Lots of experimental things going on in June if I actually do any of it.

As to romance, I think I'm making progress! Not with anyone, just with the way I see things. I always knew that I have to start asking for what I want, but I'm scared that it would change the way people see me. I've always been afraid that it would make them think that all I wanted from them was sex (or kisses or cuddles or whatever). Now I'm starting to see there's a difference between being gross and being genuine.

Saying something like, "You and I both know we're going to bang, so let's cut the crap and get to it" probably won't get me the response I want (not that I would ever say something like that, well, not usually). But maybe something like, "It's totally okay if you don't want to, but would it be okay if I kissed you right now" probably would. The point being that it's okay to find someone attractive. And it's okay to want to kiss them and cuddle with them. And asking for those things doesn't automatically make you a sleazy perv. Rudimentary, yes, but something I've never really wrapped my head around.

It's sad that I'm only now beginning to learn these things. But I did learn other totally awesome things, like reading and being open-minded! So I guess that evens things out some.

Anyway. I'm going to read some comics, maybe watch a movie, thumb through this big ass book and go to sleep. Hope everyone else is doing well too. Night!

~Rogue

Post College Life

Happy Mother's Day! Or what's left of it.

I applied for a job. As in the singular. As in one.
I'm having a hard time trying to pick what I want to do, so I'm going on this epic journey of epicness into all kinds of strange jobs. On my list is bartista, technical writer (the writer of manuals), child and family photographer, baker, speech writer, and bank teller. These are the things that I want to do. I'm pretty confident that I'll get offered for almost all of these (if I actually apply sometime soon), but I don't have a hierarchy for them. Honestly, they all sound interesting.

Since then, I've been writing! I already have four pages of a short story that I'm writing. I didn't write today because my family made me spend time with them, but I'm going back at it tomorrow. I even know how it's going to end!

Other than that, I've hit on a waiter, got my friend incredibly drunk off shots, had a horrible post grad dinner followed by an awesome post grad dinner, played pathfinder while drinking a strangely smooth scotch, and watched movies. I want to watch one more, but I have work in the morning. And I've already made plans to go see the Avengers tomorrow.

The world hasn't ended yet. Awesome.
~R.

Graduation Time!

I walk tomorrow. That's right folks, this Rogue is going to be a free woman in just a few short hours. Freedom actually came just a few minutes ago when I finished the last paper of my undergraduate career. When I tell you, I've never enjoyed pressing a button more than I did tonight, I probably would be lying because I own vibrators.

Tomorrow I will pack up and move back into my mom's house and start my adventure as a postgraduate. At this point, I'm just ready for things to slow down. We'll see what happens when reality hits. Until then, I'll watch an obscene about of movies, pretend that I'm going to read several different books, hopefully write creatively, and, of course, get my best friend uber wasted and call her boyfriend to take her home.
Because I'm classy.

~R.

Happiness

A wonderful thing just happened to me. I realized that I'm leaving school without debt, with my own car, enough savings to cover me for a couple months after graduation, a small summer position to also cover me until I find another job, a place to stay (okay, it's my parents' house, but it's still a place to stay!), and a world of time to write, take pictures, travel, explore, read, and all of those other things that make me uber happy. In short, I hit the fucking jackpot!

I can slow down and enjoy life now. I don't have to rush to do anything, which was totally my impulse. It's going to suck to have to go back to the house, but I know my mom wouldn't mind at all. In fact, she would probably be overjoyed that I came back home, especially if I help out with the bills and start doing stuff around the house. I'll talk to her about it later this week to see how she feels, but I honestly don't think it would be a problem.

And since I don't know what the hell I want to do anyway, I can also use this time to take up internships or do other random jobs in fields I would have never considered before. The only real fear in all of this (and I guess the fear I've always had about life) is that I would get stuck in one place and not move. My hope is that I'll be so busy exploring the world that I wouldn't have time to get stuck. That seeing different places and doing different things will be enough motivation for me to keep moving, to move out of my parents' house, and maybe to move towards a career that I love. Not that any of this has to happen in any type of order.

I can relax now. I have time. I can do things. I can finally go back to writing! I'm glad I didn't apply to graduate school now. This is exactly what I needed.

~R.

Life and Such

So I'm a rogue scholar. I love the name. I love what it means. I love that a "rogue" is a dishonest man. I love that this is exactly what I feel like, even though I'm neither a man nor dishonest. I have a thing for words.

I feel like I've been groomed for success from an early age, which is funny because I'll be the first to tell you that I've always been a big fish in a small pond (except in elementary, when I was arguably "normal"). People have wanted me to be a doctor, an engineer, a lawyer, to have a traditional "successful" career. The people around me now are trying to turn me into a professor, which is why I'm on the lamb from grad school (although I'm probably going to go anyway). I'm almost out of college and I'm half-jokingly (but quite seriously) thinking about how I can get into the sex industry. This is to say that I'm not nearly as traditional as anyone would want me to be.

Part of it seems to be because I'm surrounded by people who are occasionally and hopelessly provincial. There's nothing wrong with that, but it makes for a pretty lonely life. Lonely because it makes me feel different. When everyone around you thinks that the pinnacle of life is to be married to one person while working a stable job in middle management, trying to explain your desire to move to the other side of the country to take photos of BDSM models while having an open relationship with one of them is a little strange. Hell to even attempt to explain a slight bent towards BDSM is out of the question. I once tried to explain to someone how sex with a friend seems like a perfectly natural extension of the love you have for them (both parties being mutual and consenting, of course) and it was like I was speaking in a foreign language.

I don't believe in the "one and only forever love" thing. I think that idealizes people too much. I think there are people who will have a huge impact on your life, people who you'd want to keep around and make a life with, and even people who you just want to have sweaty fun time with, but every connection with another person is special. I like people at their messiest, most honest, and most unsure. But that's just me. Live and let live I think. Point being is that I'm dying to find adventurous, artsy, thoughtful people. I can't be the only person in the world who feels like this. There has to be more.

Bleh. My rant for the night.
-Rogue

Sleepy Post: Silver Edition

I keep intending to both write and check out some of the other features on this thing, but I just haven't had the time! Hopefully soon, I can get a more consistent schedule and find some sort of focus for this blog. For now, I'll make up for lost times by writing a sleepy post.

I'm back home! I took a small vacation out of town to visit some people I know and had a lot of fun. I really enjoy walking around and being a tourist, but I'm so glad to be off my feet for a while. I came back home today and almost immediately went to visit with friends. They also went out of town, although not as far. While we were exchanging stories about our individual adventures, Chubbs called. Apparently she's worried about me. This is the same girl who I've been avoiding like the plague for the last year after she dropped me like a piece of used tissue paper. While I am incredibly grateful to her leaving me, I do wish she would stay away. This unexpected gem made me realize just how much I've grown (and not) since then.

For one, I've started paying more attention to my own feelings, wants, needs, etc. I'm not great at it, but at least I'm more willing to tell people what I don't like and I do it more often. Sometimes, I can even muster up the courage to ask for what I want, which brings us to last weekend. I finally told my best friend that I have a crush on her. This is a big deal for me in a few ways. 1) This is the first time I've ever told someone I liked that I like them (I'm pretty inexperienced). 2) This is the first time in a very long time that I've had a reasonable crush on someone. 3) I actually want to kiss her.

I find a lot of different people attractive (friends included), but this rarely means that I want anything physical with them. I used to think that I was asexual, but now I just think that certain people catch my attention in different ways. When I first met this friend, let's call her Snowflake, I definitely thought she was physically attractive. Actually, I remember seeing her photo online before we met and thinking something like, "She looks cute... and goofy," which is still a pretty apt description.

When we met (which was a complete accident that probably would have never happened if I hadn't said that one random thing to that one random girl who took me to this one random meeting for a group that I randomly decided to join), it was in a group setting. Everyone talked and opened up about themselves pretty easily, except her. Even so, she still seemed so aware of everyone and everything else.  I got the chance to talk to her alone on a lot of different occasions and it was like the more she told me about herself, the more I wanted to know. Those days were frustrating because she would be in the middle of telling me some story about herself and would stop the second someone else came. I still don't know the end to a lot of those stories.

A while back, I started becoming increasingly aware of how beautiful she is. I became tense and awkward, all those little signs of a crush, but I locked it away in the back of my head. That is, until one night, we went out for drinks and got fairly drunk. Inhibitions on mute, I stared at her lips and everything in me screamed to steal a kiss. So what did I do? I stole her phone instead and ignored her the rest of the night. Because even drunk I couldn't make a move like that. I want her to stay comfortable with me like she is now. It's nice to know she enjoys my company. I don't want to ruin that by preying on her (which, I know, is such an exaggeration of something as small as a kiss). I finally came out and told her because I know I can trust her with my feelings and because part of me knows that she won't get too weirded out by it. That was my biggest fear and she's completely laid it to rest at this point. I told her and the world didn't end. We're still friends.

I'm just thinking via blog, which is probably why the post is so long tonight. I guess these are just all the words I had sitting inside of me this past week. Feels nice to lay them out like this. Oh well. Good night. Ciao. Bon Nuit. Buenos Tardes. Etc., etc., etc.