Absence

My internet at home is incredibly spotty. I've been trying to figure out how to maintain a signal, but nothing's worked so far. I can (and have been) reading the blogs easily enough, but posting things has been a bit of a hassle. And of course, I won't actually call customer service or tech support to fix the issue because, well, that would make sense.

My life on the other end of the screen has been boring more or less. I'm still struggling with being out of school and having so much time on my hands, but not exactly doing anything with it. I read, god do I read, whatever I can get my hands on. I still go out and visit with friends, which is always nice. And I work. My job offered me a more stable part-time position with them, which means my hours will be set in stone (I'll be pulling in a more respectable check, but I'll still need another job), and I get to learn the Adobe Creative Suite with them, which I think is awesome. I have the manuals to go along with the Suite, but it's really hard to concentrate on them at home. I'll retain certain background facts just fine (like stuff about vector v. bitmap graphics), but application stuff (like hot keys and the like) don't stick. I need to be able to do it while I'm learning it.

Sexually, I've been incredibly uninterested as of late. I just have no romantic or sexual interest in people right now. I still get excited and get off, but it's more like taking a bath or eating -- something I do because I need to. I still enjoy doing it, of course, but it's not a major thing. Even so, I've been having some very vivid submissive fantasies thanks in part to all the Domme blogs I read. And to top it all off, I got hit with a whip. Of course I enjoyed it, but it confused the hell out of me that my friend actually did it. I wonder what goes through that girl's head sometimes. I did finally ask her just how much I could touch her because the guessing game is really beginning to annoy me, but I haven't gotten a response. I find it so strange that of all of the people I know she would be the one I'd have the most trouble with regarding physical closeness.

I really want to learn a skill so I can get more interesting jobs. Right now, my mind is set on being a film editor. I like the idea of arranging images together to make a story. Luckily enough, the skills to be a film editor are transferable between film, television, and news so I wouldn't have to worry about a job as much. I just don't know how to get those skills except to go back to school. I would prefer to do an apprenticeship with an established company and learn through them, but everyone wants an experienced person. Actually, I would probably have time to do an internship now. I'll have to look into it. It would probably get me out of this pitying mood as well.

I'm going to post this before my internet boots me off again.
~R.

Life and Such

So I'm a rogue scholar. I love the name. I love what it means. I love that a "rogue" is a dishonest man. I love that this is exactly what I feel like, even though I'm neither a man nor dishonest. I have a thing for words.

I feel like I've been groomed for success from an early age, which is funny because I'll be the first to tell you that I've always been a big fish in a small pond (except in elementary, when I was arguably "normal"). People have wanted me to be a doctor, an engineer, a lawyer, to have a traditional "successful" career. The people around me now are trying to turn me into a professor, which is why I'm on the lamb from grad school (although I'm probably going to go anyway). I'm almost out of college and I'm half-jokingly (but quite seriously) thinking about how I can get into the sex industry. This is to say that I'm not nearly as traditional as anyone would want me to be.

Part of it seems to be because I'm surrounded by people who are occasionally and hopelessly provincial. There's nothing wrong with that, but it makes for a pretty lonely life. Lonely because it makes me feel different. When everyone around you thinks that the pinnacle of life is to be married to one person while working a stable job in middle management, trying to explain your desire to move to the other side of the country to take photos of BDSM models while having an open relationship with one of them is a little strange. Hell to even attempt to explain a slight bent towards BDSM is out of the question. I once tried to explain to someone how sex with a friend seems like a perfectly natural extension of the love you have for them (both parties being mutual and consenting, of course) and it was like I was speaking in a foreign language.

I don't believe in the "one and only forever love" thing. I think that idealizes people too much. I think there are people who will have a huge impact on your life, people who you'd want to keep around and make a life with, and even people who you just want to have sweaty fun time with, but every connection with another person is special. I like people at their messiest, most honest, and most unsure. But that's just me. Live and let live I think. Point being is that I'm dying to find adventurous, artsy, thoughtful people. I can't be the only person in the world who feels like this. There has to be more.

Bleh. My rant for the night.
-Rogue