Hello there. It's been a while hasn't it? Well the interwebs are up and running at my house so yay for that. I've been running around and trying to keep busy -- finally applying for jobs and such -- and I've worn myself out by staying out of the house as much as possible. I am so very behind on everyone's blogs, but this gives me something to do on my off day. I skim through my list and peek and the different pages and get excited. There's some good stuff going on in blogger while I webless.
In other news, I got another piercing. This happened weeks ago, but I thought I'd mention it here. It was just another one on my ear. My nipple, clitoris, and tongue are all without metal for the time being. Although, I may have my nipple repierced again soon. I keep meaning to go do it, but I've been so busy lately. I should be getting my clitoral hood pierced on my birthday next month and I'm not sure when or if I'll get my tongue done. I only want to get it pierced if I absolutely have to take out my lip piercing. Otherwise, I'm not going to do it. I'm in love with my lip piercing and would be heartbroken to give it up.
The job hunt is going strangely well. I have mixed feelings about this because I partially don't want to work, but I do like nice things. Besides, I have this idea to drive across the US for maybe a month or two couch surfing and living in hostels just for the hell of it. I love driving and my sister is willing to rent me a car so it seems like a cool idea, but I would really need to start saving up for it. I also have another idea to start up a small business on my own, but I'm really not in the mindset for it. Call me overconfident, but it seems like too good of an idea and something that would actually work and make a good profit. Although I do plan to add business owner to my name one day, I'm just not ready for that now. I have friends who keep bugging me about it so it's probably going to be on my mind for a while. Especially with Pride coming up.
And I missed TMI Tuesday! Boo! That's really one of my favorite games to play on here. I may pick up some of the other ones later on.
Long ago I mentioned starting up a second blog and keeping this one for personal stuff (maybe sprucing it up a bit if I can ever figure out blogger). The idea has come back, but I think instead of blogger I'm going to move to wordpress. I don't know. I have a lot of ideas and want to do a lot of things but I'm slow about everything.
That's all for now. I'm going to go to bed and fall asleep playing sudoku.
~Rogue
Showing posts with label getting better. Show all posts
Showing posts with label getting better. Show all posts
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Post College Life
Happy Mother's Day! Or what's left of it.
I applied for a job. As in the singular. As in one.
I'm having a hard time trying to pick what I want to do, so I'm going on this epic journey of epicness into all kinds of strange jobs. On my list is bartista, technical writer (the writer of manuals), child and family photographer, baker, speech writer, and bank teller. These are the things that I want to do. I'm pretty confident that I'll get offered for almost all of these (if I actually apply sometime soon), but I don't have a hierarchy for them. Honestly, they all sound interesting.
Since then, I've been writing! I already have four pages of a short story that I'm writing. I didn't write today because my family made me spend time with them, but I'm going back at it tomorrow. I even know how it's going to end!
Other than that, I've hit on a waiter, got my friend incredibly drunk off shots, had a horrible post grad dinner followed by an awesome post grad dinner, played pathfinder while drinking a strangely smooth scotch, and watched movies. I want to watch one more, but I have work in the morning. And I've already made plans to go see the Avengers tomorrow.
The world hasn't ended yet. Awesome.
~R.
I applied for a job. As in the singular. As in one.
I'm having a hard time trying to pick what I want to do, so I'm going on this epic journey of epicness into all kinds of strange jobs. On my list is bartista, technical writer (the writer of manuals), child and family photographer, baker, speech writer, and bank teller. These are the things that I want to do. I'm pretty confident that I'll get offered for almost all of these (if I actually apply sometime soon), but I don't have a hierarchy for them. Honestly, they all sound interesting.
Since then, I've been writing! I already have four pages of a short story that I'm writing. I didn't write today because my family made me spend time with them, but I'm going back at it tomorrow. I even know how it's going to end!
Other than that, I've hit on a waiter, got my friend incredibly drunk off shots, had a horrible post grad dinner followed by an awesome post grad dinner, played pathfinder while drinking a strangely smooth scotch, and watched movies. I want to watch one more, but I have work in the morning. And I've already made plans to go see the Avengers tomorrow.
The world hasn't ended yet. Awesome.
~R.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Happiness
A wonderful thing just happened to me. I realized that I'm leaving school without debt, with my own car, enough savings to cover me for a couple months after graduation, a small summer position to also cover me until I find another job, a place to stay (okay, it's my parents' house, but it's still a place to stay!), and a world of time to write, take pictures, travel, explore, read, and all of those other things that make me uber happy. In short, I hit the fucking jackpot!
I can slow down and enjoy life now. I don't have to rush to do anything, which was totally my impulse. It's going to suck to have to go back to the house, but I know my mom wouldn't mind at all. In fact, she would probably be overjoyed that I came back home, especially if I help out with the bills and start doing stuff around the house. I'll talk to her about it later this week to see how she feels, but I honestly don't think it would be a problem.
And since I don't know what the hell I want to do anyway, I can also use this time to take up internships or do other random jobs in fields I would have never considered before. The only real fear in all of this (and I guess the fear I've always had about life) is that I would get stuck in one place and not move. My hope is that I'll be so busy exploring the world that I wouldn't have time to get stuck. That seeing different places and doing different things will be enough motivation for me to keep moving, to move out of my parents' house, and maybe to move towards a career that I love. Not that any of this has to happen in any type of order.
I can relax now. I have time. I can do things. I can finally go back to writing! I'm glad I didn't apply to graduate school now. This is exactly what I needed.
~R.
I can slow down and enjoy life now. I don't have to rush to do anything, which was totally my impulse. It's going to suck to have to go back to the house, but I know my mom wouldn't mind at all. In fact, she would probably be overjoyed that I came back home, especially if I help out with the bills and start doing stuff around the house. I'll talk to her about it later this week to see how she feels, but I honestly don't think it would be a problem.
And since I don't know what the hell I want to do anyway, I can also use this time to take up internships or do other random jobs in fields I would have never considered before. The only real fear in all of this (and I guess the fear I've always had about life) is that I would get stuck in one place and not move. My hope is that I'll be so busy exploring the world that I wouldn't have time to get stuck. That seeing different places and doing different things will be enough motivation for me to keep moving, to move out of my parents' house, and maybe to move towards a career that I love. Not that any of this has to happen in any type of order.
I can relax now. I have time. I can do things. I can finally go back to writing! I'm glad I didn't apply to graduate school now. This is exactly what I needed.
~R.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Reprieve
I feel like I've been given a second chance. My professors were so gracious as to relax their requirements for the last few assignments of the semester. This means that I can breath again. I'm going to take this break to actually go see my family and maybe even get a full night's sleep. It's sad how I've let classes and grades consume my life, but it'll be all over in three more weeks. I'm probably going to continue to write about this for a while though because it feels like such a huge thing. I'm ending one chapter in my life and starting another.
I just can't believe it sometimes. Everything is too surreal.
Anyway, I have one more assignment that I need to finish before midnight. After that, I'm going to treat myself to a wank fest of the gods!
Because I totally deserve it.
~R.
I just can't believe it sometimes. Everything is too surreal.
Anyway, I have one more assignment that I need to finish before midnight. After that, I'm going to treat myself to a wank fest of the gods!
Because I totally deserve it.
~R.
Sleepy Post: Adjusting (but anxious)
It's cold in my room, but I refuse to wear pants! Anyway, I thought it was time for a proper post.
So I adjusted my meds (meaning that I actually took them on time) and I feel much better than yesterday. Still anxious about school and such, but it's a lot easier to deal. Okay that's a lie, I'm still as scared as I was sans-meds but I'm not paralyzed by it all. I've pretty much skipped out on all the pre-graduation partying because 1) I'm not big on the fancy and 2) I'm not feeling up to celebrating.
I know this is only a transition thing that I'm going through. I did something incredibly similar in high school so I recognize this as my way of (not really) dealing with endings. The only difference between then and now is that I had a comfortable group of friends to fall back on. Here, it's too easy for me to lock myself away from everyone else. And if the Great Spaghetti Monster hadn't created facebook and text messaging, I doubt any of the people I know would know if I was dead or alive.
I can see why people push the idea of getting into organizations in college. It gives students a support system. Even those small organizations that play games or volunteer together are huge helps. In high school, I was forced into a lot of the organizations I got involved with and the adults loved to put me in charge of this or that bit of responsibility. It made me feel isolated and just wore me out in general. I told myself I wouldn't get into a bunch of stuff here because of that. I ended up sitting in my dorm the first two years of college without any real friends and very introverted.
I got into a sorority and that changed everything for better and worse. I had a network and people who I talked to and hung out with. It was pretty cool all around. Then some stuff happened that left me feeling more isolated than before. I felt completely ostracized from the group and I became... reckless. I wasn't suicidal, but I was deeply depressed and felt incredibly (guess what?) isolated. Luckily, I had some friends outside the orgo who helped me cope with those feelings. The first time, I went back and tried to work things out internally. The second time, I gave up (on it and them) and went to a therapist.
So there you have it. I am someone who feels isolated most of the time. Partially because I'm actually isolated and partially because I physically (maybe emotionally as well?) isolate myself. Pop psychology 101 folks. Cynicism aside, though, working through stuff on this blog has been therapeutic as well. It's nice to keep track of my reflections and watch patterns that crop up and try to figure out why. Like I never realized how much I talk about high school as though it were the apex of my life. It was a pretty lousy time, but I guess it was better than how it is now. Guess I never adjusted to college. If nothing else, I guess this all gives me something to talk to my therapist about.
That's all for now. And thanks for reading!
~R.
So I adjusted my meds (meaning that I actually took them on time) and I feel much better than yesterday. Still anxious about school and such, but it's a lot easier to deal. Okay that's a lie, I'm still as scared as I was sans-meds but I'm not paralyzed by it all. I've pretty much skipped out on all the pre-graduation partying because 1) I'm not big on the fancy and 2) I'm not feeling up to celebrating.
I know this is only a transition thing that I'm going through. I did something incredibly similar in high school so I recognize this as my way of (not really) dealing with endings. The only difference between then and now is that I had a comfortable group of friends to fall back on. Here, it's too easy for me to lock myself away from everyone else. And if the Great Spaghetti Monster hadn't created facebook and text messaging, I doubt any of the people I know would know if I was dead or alive.
I can see why people push the idea of getting into organizations in college. It gives students a support system. Even those small organizations that play games or volunteer together are huge helps. In high school, I was forced into a lot of the organizations I got involved with and the adults loved to put me in charge of this or that bit of responsibility. It made me feel isolated and just wore me out in general. I told myself I wouldn't get into a bunch of stuff here because of that. I ended up sitting in my dorm the first two years of college without any real friends and very introverted.
I got into a sorority and that changed everything for better and worse. I had a network and people who I talked to and hung out with. It was pretty cool all around. Then some stuff happened that left me feeling more isolated than before. I felt completely ostracized from the group and I became... reckless. I wasn't suicidal, but I was deeply depressed and felt incredibly (guess what?) isolated. Luckily, I had some friends outside the orgo who helped me cope with those feelings. The first time, I went back and tried to work things out internally. The second time, I gave up (on it and them) and went to a therapist.
So there you have it. I am someone who feels isolated most of the time. Partially because I'm actually isolated and partially because I physically (maybe emotionally as well?) isolate myself. Pop psychology 101 folks. Cynicism aside, though, working through stuff on this blog has been therapeutic as well. It's nice to keep track of my reflections and watch patterns that crop up and try to figure out why. Like I never realized how much I talk about high school as though it were the apex of my life. It was a pretty lousy time, but I guess it was better than how it is now. Guess I never adjusted to college. If nothing else, I guess this all gives me something to talk to my therapist about.
That's all for now. And thanks for reading!
~R.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Sleepy Post: Privacy, Fame, and the Public
There's a part of me that wishes to remain anonymous and under the radar. There's a certain freedom to it. I can create a blog like this, one that's very honest and self-conscious, without fear of repercussion. That is, without it affecting my "real" life in any palpable way. It's nice to have a space where you consider those things you don't really express in real life. On the other hand, I do want to be read. Maybe not for this blog, but some future endeavor, I'd like to write stuff for a nice core audience. Hopefully, I'd be able to strike a nice balance between "rock star literary figure" big (which is so rare anyway) and "only read in workshops" small.
I'm saying all of this because I'm really ashamed of that last post. I don't recognize myself when I get that low in depression. Everything hurts so much that I do anything for attention (except, you know, engage with others). But I think I spend so much time ignoring my own feelings that when I do get depressed, I'm forced to face up to all those little insecurities instead of handling them, or at least acknowledging them. Everything in that last post was true to me on some level, but I refused to acknowledge it. It makes life harder to wonder everyday if your friends really like you or if they're using you. I honestly think it's somewhere in between, but when I'm depressed all of those self-esteem issues come up. No one could possibly like me. I'm only good for X. Blah blah blah. All of which I understand as complete bs when I'm normal again.
Anyway, I'm glad that I can make the stupid mistake of writing something like that to a nonexistent audience and it not completely blowing up in my face. Granted, I made myself look like a jackass, but I'm learning. Besides, I have a feeling that if I do ever switch over to a new blog, I'm still going to write about depression. I'll just have to remind myself not to do it while depressed. And so I write this with the understanding that a large, overnight readership to this blog isn't really an imminent concern. But after this week, I became aware of how easily people will judge you for very stupid things and a blog like this would especially be target to that.
In other news....
Things have been getting much better. Writing that last post made me reflect on things and finally go get some extra help for the depression. I still get sad, but it's been more of a cleansing sadness than that dark pit of doom that I go into sometimes. So that's good. I also miss a few of my friends whom I haven't seen in a while, but I think I'm going to leave that to post another day.
---Rogue
I'm saying all of this because I'm really ashamed of that last post. I don't recognize myself when I get that low in depression. Everything hurts so much that I do anything for attention (except, you know, engage with others). But I think I spend so much time ignoring my own feelings that when I do get depressed, I'm forced to face up to all those little insecurities instead of handling them, or at least acknowledging them. Everything in that last post was true to me on some level, but I refused to acknowledge it. It makes life harder to wonder everyday if your friends really like you or if they're using you. I honestly think it's somewhere in between, but when I'm depressed all of those self-esteem issues come up. No one could possibly like me. I'm only good for X. Blah blah blah. All of which I understand as complete bs when I'm normal again.
Anyway, I'm glad that I can make the stupid mistake of writing something like that to a nonexistent audience and it not completely blowing up in my face. Granted, I made myself look like a jackass, but I'm learning. Besides, I have a feeling that if I do ever switch over to a new blog, I'm still going to write about depression. I'll just have to remind myself not to do it while depressed. And so I write this with the understanding that a large, overnight readership to this blog isn't really an imminent concern. But after this week, I became aware of how easily people will judge you for very stupid things and a blog like this would especially be target to that.
In other news....
Things have been getting much better. Writing that last post made me reflect on things and finally go get some extra help for the depression. I still get sad, but it's been more of a cleansing sadness than that dark pit of doom that I go into sometimes. So that's good. I also miss a few of my friends whom I haven't seen in a while, but I think I'm going to leave that to post another day.
---Rogue
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)