A wonderful thing just happened to me. I realized that I'm leaving school without debt, with my own car, enough savings to cover me for a couple months after graduation, a small summer position to also cover me until I find another job, a place to stay (okay, it's my parents' house, but it's still a place to stay!), and a world of time to write, take pictures, travel, explore, read, and all of those other things that make me uber happy. In short, I hit the fucking jackpot!
I can slow down and enjoy life now. I don't have to rush to do anything, which was totally my impulse. It's going to suck to have to go back to the house, but I know my mom wouldn't mind at all. In fact, she would probably be overjoyed that I came back home, especially if I help out with the bills and start doing stuff around the house. I'll talk to her about it later this week to see how she feels, but I honestly don't think it would be a problem.
And since I don't know what the hell I want to do anyway, I can also use this time to take up internships or do other random jobs in fields I would have never considered before. The only real fear in all of this (and I guess the fear I've always had about life) is that I would get stuck in one place and not move. My hope is that I'll be so busy exploring the world that I wouldn't have time to get stuck. That seeing different places and doing different things will be enough motivation for me to keep moving, to move out of my parents' house, and maybe to move towards a career that I love. Not that any of this has to happen in any type of order.
I can relax now. I have time. I can do things. I can finally go back to writing! I'm glad I didn't apply to graduate school now. This is exactly what I needed.
~R.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Friday, May 4, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
Sleepy Post: Adjusting (but anxious)
It's cold in my room, but I refuse to wear pants! Anyway, I thought it was time for a proper post.
So I adjusted my meds (meaning that I actually took them on time) and I feel much better than yesterday. Still anxious about school and such, but it's a lot easier to deal. Okay that's a lie, I'm still as scared as I was sans-meds but I'm not paralyzed by it all. I've pretty much skipped out on all the pre-graduation partying because 1) I'm not big on the fancy and 2) I'm not feeling up to celebrating.
I know this is only a transition thing that I'm going through. I did something incredibly similar in high school so I recognize this as my way of (not really) dealing with endings. The only difference between then and now is that I had a comfortable group of friends to fall back on. Here, it's too easy for me to lock myself away from everyone else. And if the Great Spaghetti Monster hadn't created facebook and text messaging, I doubt any of the people I know would know if I was dead or alive.
I can see why people push the idea of getting into organizations in college. It gives students a support system. Even those small organizations that play games or volunteer together are huge helps. In high school, I was forced into a lot of the organizations I got involved with and the adults loved to put me in charge of this or that bit of responsibility. It made me feel isolated and just wore me out in general. I told myself I wouldn't get into a bunch of stuff here because of that. I ended up sitting in my dorm the first two years of college without any real friends and very introverted.
I got into a sorority and that changed everything for better and worse. I had a network and people who I talked to and hung out with. It was pretty cool all around. Then some stuff happened that left me feeling more isolated than before. I felt completely ostracized from the group and I became... reckless. I wasn't suicidal, but I was deeply depressed and felt incredibly (guess what?) isolated. Luckily, I had some friends outside the orgo who helped me cope with those feelings. The first time, I went back and tried to work things out internally. The second time, I gave up (on it and them) and went to a therapist.
So there you have it. I am someone who feels isolated most of the time. Partially because I'm actually isolated and partially because I physically (maybe emotionally as well?) isolate myself. Pop psychology 101 folks. Cynicism aside, though, working through stuff on this blog has been therapeutic as well. It's nice to keep track of my reflections and watch patterns that crop up and try to figure out why. Like I never realized how much I talk about high school as though it were the apex of my life. It was a pretty lousy time, but I guess it was better than how it is now. Guess I never adjusted to college. If nothing else, I guess this all gives me something to talk to my therapist about.
That's all for now. And thanks for reading!
~R.
So I adjusted my meds (meaning that I actually took them on time) and I feel much better than yesterday. Still anxious about school and such, but it's a lot easier to deal. Okay that's a lie, I'm still as scared as I was sans-meds but I'm not paralyzed by it all. I've pretty much skipped out on all the pre-graduation partying because 1) I'm not big on the fancy and 2) I'm not feeling up to celebrating.
I know this is only a transition thing that I'm going through. I did something incredibly similar in high school so I recognize this as my way of (not really) dealing with endings. The only difference between then and now is that I had a comfortable group of friends to fall back on. Here, it's too easy for me to lock myself away from everyone else. And if the Great Spaghetti Monster hadn't created facebook and text messaging, I doubt any of the people I know would know if I was dead or alive.
I can see why people push the idea of getting into organizations in college. It gives students a support system. Even those small organizations that play games or volunteer together are huge helps. In high school, I was forced into a lot of the organizations I got involved with and the adults loved to put me in charge of this or that bit of responsibility. It made me feel isolated and just wore me out in general. I told myself I wouldn't get into a bunch of stuff here because of that. I ended up sitting in my dorm the first two years of college without any real friends and very introverted.
I got into a sorority and that changed everything for better and worse. I had a network and people who I talked to and hung out with. It was pretty cool all around. Then some stuff happened that left me feeling more isolated than before. I felt completely ostracized from the group and I became... reckless. I wasn't suicidal, but I was deeply depressed and felt incredibly (guess what?) isolated. Luckily, I had some friends outside the orgo who helped me cope with those feelings. The first time, I went back and tried to work things out internally. The second time, I gave up (on it and them) and went to a therapist.
So there you have it. I am someone who feels isolated most of the time. Partially because I'm actually isolated and partially because I physically (maybe emotionally as well?) isolate myself. Pop psychology 101 folks. Cynicism aside, though, working through stuff on this blog has been therapeutic as well. It's nice to keep track of my reflections and watch patterns that crop up and try to figure out why. Like I never realized how much I talk about high school as though it were the apex of my life. It was a pretty lousy time, but I guess it was better than how it is now. Guess I never adjusted to college. If nothing else, I guess this all gives me something to talk to my therapist about.
That's all for now. And thanks for reading!
~R.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Sleepy Post: Privacy, Fame, and the Public
There's a part of me that wishes to remain anonymous and under the radar. There's a certain freedom to it. I can create a blog like this, one that's very honest and self-conscious, without fear of repercussion. That is, without it affecting my "real" life in any palpable way. It's nice to have a space where you consider those things you don't really express in real life. On the other hand, I do want to be read. Maybe not for this blog, but some future endeavor, I'd like to write stuff for a nice core audience. Hopefully, I'd be able to strike a nice balance between "rock star literary figure" big (which is so rare anyway) and "only read in workshops" small.
I'm saying all of this because I'm really ashamed of that last post. I don't recognize myself when I get that low in depression. Everything hurts so much that I do anything for attention (except, you know, engage with others). But I think I spend so much time ignoring my own feelings that when I do get depressed, I'm forced to face up to all those little insecurities instead of handling them, or at least acknowledging them. Everything in that last post was true to me on some level, but I refused to acknowledge it. It makes life harder to wonder everyday if your friends really like you or if they're using you. I honestly think it's somewhere in between, but when I'm depressed all of those self-esteem issues come up. No one could possibly like me. I'm only good for X. Blah blah blah. All of which I understand as complete bs when I'm normal again.
Anyway, I'm glad that I can make the stupid mistake of writing something like that to a nonexistent audience and it not completely blowing up in my face. Granted, I made myself look like a jackass, but I'm learning. Besides, I have a feeling that if I do ever switch over to a new blog, I'm still going to write about depression. I'll just have to remind myself not to do it while depressed. And so I write this with the understanding that a large, overnight readership to this blog isn't really an imminent concern. But after this week, I became aware of how easily people will judge you for very stupid things and a blog like this would especially be target to that.
In other news....
Things have been getting much better. Writing that last post made me reflect on things and finally go get some extra help for the depression. I still get sad, but it's been more of a cleansing sadness than that dark pit of doom that I go into sometimes. So that's good. I also miss a few of my friends whom I haven't seen in a while, but I think I'm going to leave that to post another day.
---Rogue
I'm saying all of this because I'm really ashamed of that last post. I don't recognize myself when I get that low in depression. Everything hurts so much that I do anything for attention (except, you know, engage with others). But I think I spend so much time ignoring my own feelings that when I do get depressed, I'm forced to face up to all those little insecurities instead of handling them, or at least acknowledging them. Everything in that last post was true to me on some level, but I refused to acknowledge it. It makes life harder to wonder everyday if your friends really like you or if they're using you. I honestly think it's somewhere in between, but when I'm depressed all of those self-esteem issues come up. No one could possibly like me. I'm only good for X. Blah blah blah. All of which I understand as complete bs when I'm normal again.
Anyway, I'm glad that I can make the stupid mistake of writing something like that to a nonexistent audience and it not completely blowing up in my face. Granted, I made myself look like a jackass, but I'm learning. Besides, I have a feeling that if I do ever switch over to a new blog, I'm still going to write about depression. I'll just have to remind myself not to do it while depressed. And so I write this with the understanding that a large, overnight readership to this blog isn't really an imminent concern. But after this week, I became aware of how easily people will judge you for very stupid things and a blog like this would especially be target to that.
In other news....
Things have been getting much better. Writing that last post made me reflect on things and finally go get some extra help for the depression. I still get sad, but it's been more of a cleansing sadness than that dark pit of doom that I go into sometimes. So that's good. I also miss a few of my friends whom I haven't seen in a while, but I think I'm going to leave that to post another day.
---Rogue
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