...I got off the meds. That's why I feel this way and stuff. Shit. I need to get insurance or something soon.
~R.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Bored
Guess I'm having another existential crisis, but in the last few weeks (has it really been that long? maybe less?) I've been putting out applications to as many places as I'm qualified for and a few that I'm not. In fact, I'm going to interview for a position that I'm not totally qualified for tomorrow. The problem is that I realize that I put the same sort of all-encompassing focus into my job hunt as I did in school. In other words, I'm replacing one addiction for another. I don't know how I feel about this. I'm afraid I don't know how to relax. After talking to a friend, I think the reason I don't have a significant other is partially due to that. Well, that and because I'm not stable. Even with my last romantic interest, if it had actually gone anywhere, where would I have taken her? Sure as hell not to my mom's house or a dorm room like apartment or an actual dorm. Hell, I even feel guilty when I spend my time writing. So guilty, in fact, that I haven't done it since I started the job hunt. I really have no idea what the fuck I'm doing with my life or time.
In other news, I found out I like trip hop.
~Rogue
In other news, I found out I like trip hop.
~Rogue
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Career Considerations
I'm going to be a professor of something one day and it bugs the hell out of me. When it comes to jobs out in the world, the only other things that interest me are tech, law, and film and media. And when I think about it, it's not surprising I'm interested in them. Each of these things are interesting only because they involve the active engagement of the theories that surround them. Under any one, I would always be conscious of the history and future of my craft. It would be far more likely for me to have stimulating conversations and, in some ways, I'd possibly be able to make an imprint on someone somewhere. And when I think of jobs, those are really my only requirements. I don't actually care about money any more than having what I need to support myself. Academia satisfies all of those things as well, but you actually have to get up in front of a crowd and teach, which scares the flying crap out of me.
Like any career, it has its own setbacks. The publish or perish thing is a big one. So is dealing with administration, tenured profs, stupid hierarchy, the utility of your field or research, egos, teaching... the list goes on. I can see myself getting way stressed out about doing research and constantly doing academic writing. And as much as I love theory, I need theory to be grounded in the real world. I need to know that what I'm writing or researching will actually have an impact on someone somewhere. That's my driving force, to leave my imprint on life. Another problem with academia, as with most anything I'd imagine, is that there's so much pressure on you that doing "noble" work seems too optimistic. When I say noble, I mean doing those things that make you an authority on something and then using that authority to create positive change. I guess I'm friends with a group of new professors and watching what they deal with daily makes me wonder how they get anything done.
In all honesty, I started the depression medication because of my anxiety about working and not because of any emotional problems I have. Dealing with my dad's death or my mom's mental whatever-the-fuck-it-is or my sibling's absence in my life or whatever really doesn't effect me in the same way as the career thing. Probably because I can actually control which career I go in to. I believe that the right career would make me happy because it would put me around the right kinds of people, which, I guess, would be my real source of happiness. Well, the right kinds of people along with stimulating conversation. When I think there has to be more to life, the "more" that I think about is the discussion of life itself. Hell, even my romantic interest in people is heavily influenced by whether they can provide that "more".
This blog has really been nothing but the expression of that obsession because I fear monotony more than anything else. The problems I have with my friends and family, the feelings of being disconnected with the rest of the world - it all seems to arise from the fact that I'm afraid of being bored, of being stuck in a life that has no inspiration in it. I look around and see so many people live such uninspired lives and I wonder how they do it, if it bothers them, but it always seems like they don't mind. Like it's just me. And, in a way, it is. What I enjoy the most, they don't get. But what they enjoy the most, I don't get. It doesn't mean that I'm unusual as a universal fact, it just means that in this context, I'm very out of place.
~R,
Like any career, it has its own setbacks. The publish or perish thing is a big one. So is dealing with administration, tenured profs, stupid hierarchy, the utility of your field or research, egos, teaching... the list goes on. I can see myself getting way stressed out about doing research and constantly doing academic writing. And as much as I love theory, I need theory to be grounded in the real world. I need to know that what I'm writing or researching will actually have an impact on someone somewhere. That's my driving force, to leave my imprint on life. Another problem with academia, as with most anything I'd imagine, is that there's so much pressure on you that doing "noble" work seems too optimistic. When I say noble, I mean doing those things that make you an authority on something and then using that authority to create positive change. I guess I'm friends with a group of new professors and watching what they deal with daily makes me wonder how they get anything done.
In all honesty, I started the depression medication because of my anxiety about working and not because of any emotional problems I have. Dealing with my dad's death or my mom's mental whatever-the-fuck-it-is or my sibling's absence in my life or whatever really doesn't effect me in the same way as the career thing. Probably because I can actually control which career I go in to. I believe that the right career would make me happy because it would put me around the right kinds of people, which, I guess, would be my real source of happiness. Well, the right kinds of people along with stimulating conversation. When I think there has to be more to life, the "more" that I think about is the discussion of life itself. Hell, even my romantic interest in people is heavily influenced by whether they can provide that "more".
This blog has really been nothing but the expression of that obsession because I fear monotony more than anything else. The problems I have with my friends and family, the feelings of being disconnected with the rest of the world - it all seems to arise from the fact that I'm afraid of being bored, of being stuck in a life that has no inspiration in it. I look around and see so many people live such uninspired lives and I wonder how they do it, if it bothers them, but it always seems like they don't mind. Like it's just me. And, in a way, it is. What I enjoy the most, they don't get. But what they enjoy the most, I don't get. It doesn't mean that I'm unusual as a universal fact, it just means that in this context, I'm very out of place.
~R,
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Things I Really, Really Want
1) A job in film, preferably doing something with video editing.
2) A girlfriend.
3) To make out while being fingered (isn't dependent on #2).
4) To learn how to swim and ride a bike.
5) To make a music video (or nine).
6) To find a place to skateboard and jump rope.
7) Many many cuddles.
8) To spend a week in Canada or at least a month out of the States.
9) To go to a sex club, dungeon, or munch.
10) To actually have one or two of the things on this list, especially #3.
~R.
2) A girlfriend.
3) To make out while being fingered (isn't dependent on #2).
4) To learn how to swim and ride a bike.
5) To make a music video (or nine).
6) To find a place to skateboard and jump rope.
7) Many many cuddles.
8) To spend a week in Canada or at least a month out of the States.
9) To go to a sex club, dungeon, or munch.
10) To actually have one or two of the things on this list, especially #3.
~R.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Quick TMI
That time of the week folks! And guess what? My interwebs are working (for now)! It's going to be a quick one because I have an interview tomorrow (yay!) and I'm also in need of a little tlc.
This week’s questions are republished from November 23, 2010.
1. Have you ever shared sleeping accommodations with someone of the opposite sex without anything steamy happening?
Nope. Usually my sleeping accommodations are with the same sex and the steamy depends on the girl. Haven't had one hold me down and make out with me just yet, but I'm still young. Stuff can still happen.
2. Have you ever streaked, flashed, or otherwise partially or totally exposed yourself in public before (or after) an informal, unofficial gathering of people?
Nope, but after this last piercing, I've been thinking about doing it a lot more.
3. Have you had dates with multiple people in the same weekend (or consecutive nights or the same night) while not all of your dates were aware of your actions?
Nope. Never actually dated. Unless you count the (mostly) platonic dates I go on with friends, then yes. I am very much guilty of that.
4. What is the most “romantic” you have ever gotten in a movie theater?
Not at all actually. I like watching movies and I'd rather do that when I go. Now if you ask me how "romantic" I've gotten while on the phone or driving a car, then I could tell you some things.
5. Have you ever had sex when you knew a non-participating adult was watching?
Nope again. Never had a watcher, unless you count that pseudo-threesome we had. But even then, I think any watching that happened was only to see if the other person was finished (we were sharing a girl, it was weird and I promise a lot more tame than it sounds). Other than that, when I did have sex, we always did it within earshot of my ex's roommate. Loudly and on purpose. That girl was so annoying.
————-
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblogfrom your website!
Happy TMI Tuesday!
Monday, July 2, 2012
Spoke Too Soon
So my internet is playing a game with me. One minute it's up and perfectly fine. The next, it's like I never gave it a loving home. I did break down and call tech support. Paul helped me. He was a nice man. Annoying, but nice. He got me connected and running smoothly for about four hours. Then no more connection. It was only by chance that it's up now. Meh.
Recap of the past and current month (in no real order):
Still in the midst of a job search. Turned down one position, going through the motions of the other even though I'm not sure if I want it now. It's a a soul eater (career job) and I'm definitely not ready for a career anything right now. It would require relocation, which is exciting, but I feel like I should stay put and work on getting video and design experience. I applied for like ten more in my area, all mostly part time. Went on only about two interviews in all this time. I'm still trying to learn graphic design at the job I work now, but I really need to pull in a bigger check. A second job is definitely in order.
Going to my first class in baby film school this weekend, which I am uber excited about. The course is in editing so I get the chance to see if that should really be my focus or not. Just from my own research into these careers it seems like a good fit, but having real experience with it would be a better judge of it.
May have broken off a friendship. Or maybe it's just something that I'm considering doing. If nothing else, I really do need to reevaluate the friend's place in my life. It's not really a big dramatic thing because this is mostly going to be an internal change, but if we lose touch in the meantime, I'm not going to worry over it. We both know where I am in this and it'll probably be better for the both of us. I need to talk to her before I make any real changes, but I already have a feeling about how this is going to end.
Flashed myself a few more times in the mirror. It's healing very nicely. Barely touching it gives it a quick rise. Usually, it takes a bit of coaxing.
Getting off the meds and actively working through my depression issues. Getting off of them is more of a "I don't have the means to stay on them" kind of thing right now. So it'll be better for me to wean off them with the ones I have left instead of waking up one day and realizing that I'm all out. Because that would suck. Majorly. Instead, I figure that I should be more active in trying to work through my depression. I had a major episode a couple of weeks ago that ended with me writing out a bunch of stuff, blowing up on one friend, and bonding with another. Mostly, it seems like I have a lot of unresolved stuff with my family that I need to work on. It makes me think that that's where a big part of my loneliness and feeling out of place comes in from. If I could go back to therapy that would be much better, but until I get my medical stuff straightened out I'm kinda on my own so I'll probably be writing about a lot of it here.
And I made a sandwich to end all sandwiches. There was pesto involved. Speaking of food, I'm going to go cook. Until next time,
~R.
Recap of the past and current month (in no real order):
Still in the midst of a job search. Turned down one position, going through the motions of the other even though I'm not sure if I want it now. It's a a soul eater (career job) and I'm definitely not ready for a career anything right now. It would require relocation, which is exciting, but I feel like I should stay put and work on getting video and design experience. I applied for like ten more in my area, all mostly part time. Went on only about two interviews in all this time. I'm still trying to learn graphic design at the job I work now, but I really need to pull in a bigger check. A second job is definitely in order.
Going to my first class in baby film school this weekend, which I am uber excited about. The course is in editing so I get the chance to see if that should really be my focus or not. Just from my own research into these careers it seems like a good fit, but having real experience with it would be a better judge of it.
May have broken off a friendship. Or maybe it's just something that I'm considering doing. If nothing else, I really do need to reevaluate the friend's place in my life. It's not really a big dramatic thing because this is mostly going to be an internal change, but if we lose touch in the meantime, I'm not going to worry over it. We both know where I am in this and it'll probably be better for the both of us. I need to talk to her before I make any real changes, but I already have a feeling about how this is going to end.
Flashed myself a few more times in the mirror. It's healing very nicely. Barely touching it gives it a quick rise. Usually, it takes a bit of coaxing.
Getting off the meds and actively working through my depression issues. Getting off of them is more of a "I don't have the means to stay on them" kind of thing right now. So it'll be better for me to wean off them with the ones I have left instead of waking up one day and realizing that I'm all out. Because that would suck. Majorly. Instead, I figure that I should be more active in trying to work through my depression. I had a major episode a couple of weeks ago that ended with me writing out a bunch of stuff, blowing up on one friend, and bonding with another. Mostly, it seems like I have a lot of unresolved stuff with my family that I need to work on. It makes me think that that's where a big part of my loneliness and feeling out of place comes in from. If I could go back to therapy that would be much better, but until I get my medical stuff straightened out I'm kinda on my own so I'll probably be writing about a lot of it here.
And I made a sandwich to end all sandwiches. There was pesto involved. Speaking of food, I'm going to go cook. Until next time,
~R.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Success!
I have rescued my interwebs from the scourge of notworkingness! So far as I know, it should give me a steady signal from here on out. Many words shall be had and written -- mostly me working stuff out -- and, of course, more TMI Tuesdays.
Oh! I got my nipple pierced (again)! It looks wonderful. I can't stop flashing myself in the mirror. Hopefully, a vertical clitoral hood piercing will be next.
~Rouge
Oh! I got my nipple pierced (again)! It looks wonderful. I can't stop flashing myself in the mirror. Hopefully, a vertical clitoral hood piercing will be next.
~Rouge
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