TMI Tuesday: Playtime

That time of the week again!

1. DARING: What are your 50 shades?

1. I enjoy the idea that my partner wants to inflict pain on me that:
a. makes me curious
b. is titillating and sexually arousing
c. that leaves me screaming and/or crying because that’s the way I like it

I'm not sure if I would call myself a masochist, but I do get turned on by certain types of pain, especially long, slow, and hard scratches. But I have to be in the mood for it, otherwise it just hurts.

2. Do you like being forced to dress or act in a way that is humiliating? If yes, please describe. If no, why not?

Nope. That doesn't appeal to me at all. My ego is too sensitive for something like that so it would probably piss me off more than it would turn me on.

3. Do you like seeing bruises, scars, or marks that were caused during sex on either you or your partner? What kind of marks?

YES! That was my favorite part about being with my ex. She was a huge masochist and loved for me to bite her and stuff. If she didn't pressure me into so much of that stuff I probably would have enjoyed it more. But anyway, whenever there was a scar or bruise on her the next day (and she was prone to bruise easily) she would proudly display it to anyone who'd look -- much to my embarrassment at the time. For me, I have this strange obsession with the body healing itself, so seeing marks that I've made or that were made on me is very sensual.

4. Would you like to be forced to do sexual things that you don’t necessarily like to do? Yes or No.

No. If I don't like to do something, then I don't like to do it. I'm very much willing to negotiate my limits, but to be outright forced to do something I don't like (necessarily or no) is the fastest way to get me to cool off (I learned this from the same ex in #3). BUT! I like the idea of being seduced into doing something I wouldn't normally do. Any type of public sex tends to fall under this category. I like the idea of being so turned on by a partner that I'd have to have him/her right then and there.

5. Do you want to be forced to watch your lover with someone else? Yes, No or It depends.

Nope. Once again, being forced to do stuff isn't really sexy to me.

6. What dirty (sometimes inappropriate) things do you like to say to your sexual partner?

I've never really done a lot of dirty talk with a partner. When I used to have phone sex, the girl I was on the phone with did all the talking while I provided the... um, sound effects. I do enjoy hearing it though. Well, only if it's good.

Bonus: Finish this statement: I like being powerful in bed because I like to tease.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblogfrom your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Family and Career

Who would have thought looking for a job would bring me closer to my family?

If you haven't read about it already, I have some depression issues. I was on medication for a while, but had to stop because I just don't have the means to access them anymore. I don't really know when I really started being depressed, but I only started treatment for it because it started to affect my school life. Of course, I completely ignored all the emotional stuff going on in the background. Well one of those emotional things had to do with my feelings of isolation. I never really felt like I belonged anywhere or to any group. I was always cobbling one together. I don't think I mentioned this elsewhere, but I'm the youngest of like four other kids. And I'm the youngest by like a little more than a decade (I was my parents' surprise). I always felt left out and different from my siblings. Granted, age probably played a role in it, but for the most part they really don't contact me or talk to me and it makes me feel pretty ignored and abandoned. So I put all my energy into friends with whom I've played out this same scenario. Needless to say, I was pretty unhappy about with my life.

Fast-forward. I graduate and the blues are kicking my ass pretty hard. I don't tell anyone about my graduation until the very last second. Only my mom and two brothers were able to come to the graduation, but I got congrats all around. There was also a little episode that I could mention here about a post-grad party with my friend/fellow grad that pissed me off some, but I'll save that for never. Anyway, I break and freak out for a month, work like crazy for a month, and here I am now trying to figure out my next steps. In one way, things have been much more frantic because I'm regressing back to my old habits, but in other ways things have gotten a bit better. For starters, something is changing about me socially and personally. I'm not sure what. I spend more time with my friends because I have more time to give them, but it feels like people invite me to more things too. I feel like I'm meeting more people who I can have fun with. I'm growing more of a personality. I found out that I like rpgs and trip hop....

In the midst of all this, my sister actually talked to me today. This is the same sister who tried to prematurely out me to my family a few years ago. I'd always been okay with my sexuality so long as it was private. At that time I was just getting the feel a public sexuality. (The sad thing about being anything other than straight is that your sexuality becomes an open forum of judgments, false information, well meaning allies who end up being incredibly hurtful people, etc.) I'd rather not go into it here, but let me just say that at the time that was the single worst type of betrayal I could imagine from anyone. You can understand that I was feeling very much ostracized (a scenario that replayed itself again a few months later). Well she called me today and we had the longest conversation we've had since my freshman year of college. It was all because I needed a job.

I don't know if I forgive her. I can give her second chances all day, but forgiveness is something that's hard for me sometimes. I can hold on to stuff, especially if I don't get the chance to get my side out and make whoever see how they hurt me. But I realize that this is something that doesn't or can't always happen. It does make me view my relationship to my family differently though. My sister only called today and talked to me because for that brief instance we actually had something to talk about. It was one of those rare times when our two worlds intersected. I think I can understand why my other siblings don't exactly talk to me. We don't have anything in common. I'm a pierced, socially liberal, precocious queerosexual who wants to get into entertainment and hang out with hot tattooed girls who want to make out with me. They're... everything but. They're more standard edition types and the ways that they deviate from that don't interest me at all. Talking between us (including my mom) is more of a battle than I ever recognized.

So there's that. It makes me feel a little better to think that the only reasons they didn't talk to me or even try was because they wouldn't have known where to begin. I mean I wish they would have tried more. I would have tried with them and I probably wouldn't feel so much like this, but there's nothing much I can do about the past. I can only try to make the present better.

~R.

Oh yea...

...I got off the meds. That's why I feel this way and stuff. Shit. I need to get insurance or something soon.

~R.

Bored

Guess I'm having another existential crisis, but in the last few weeks (has it really been that long? maybe less?) I've been putting out applications to as many places as I'm qualified for and a few that I'm not. In fact, I'm going to interview for a position that I'm not totally qualified for tomorrow. The problem is that I realize that I put the same sort of all-encompassing focus into my job hunt as I did in school. In other words, I'm replacing one addiction for another. I don't know how I feel about this. I'm afraid I don't know how to relax. After talking to a friend, I think the reason I don't have a significant other is partially due to that. Well, that and because I'm not stable. Even with my last romantic interest, if it had actually gone anywhere, where would I have taken her? Sure as hell not to my mom's house or a dorm room like apartment or an actual dorm. Hell, I even feel guilty when I spend my time writing. So guilty, in fact, that I haven't done it since I started the job hunt. I really have no idea what the fuck I'm doing with my life or time.
In other news, I found out I like trip hop.

~Rogue

Career Considerations

I'm going to be a professor of something one day and it bugs the hell out of me. When it comes to jobs out in the world, the only other things that interest me are tech, law, and film and media. And when I think about it, it's not surprising I'm interested in them. Each of these things are interesting only because they involve the active engagement of the theories that surround them. Under any one, I would always be conscious of the history and future of my craft. It would be far more likely for me to have stimulating conversations and, in some ways, I'd possibly be able to make an imprint on someone somewhere. And when I think of jobs, those are really my only requirements. I don't actually care about money any more than having what I need to support myself. Academia satisfies all of those things as well, but you actually have to get up in front of a crowd and teach, which scares the flying crap out of me.

Like any career, it has its own setbacks. The publish or perish thing is a big one. So is dealing with administration, tenured profs, stupid hierarchy, the utility of your field or research, egos, teaching... the list goes on. I can see myself getting way stressed out about doing research and constantly doing academic writing. And as much as I love theory, I need theory to be grounded in the real world. I need to know that what I'm writing or researching will actually have an impact on someone somewhere. That's my driving force, to leave my imprint on life. Another problem with academia, as with most anything I'd imagine, is that there's so much pressure on you that doing "noble" work seems too optimistic. When I say noble, I mean doing those things that make you an authority on something and then using that authority to create positive change. I guess I'm friends with a group of new professors and watching what they deal with daily makes me wonder how they get anything done.

In all honesty, I started the depression medication because of my anxiety about working and not because of any emotional problems I have. Dealing with my dad's death or my mom's mental whatever-the-fuck-it-is or my sibling's absence in my life or whatever really doesn't effect me in the same way as the career thing. Probably because I can actually control which career I go in to. I believe that the right career would make me happy because it would put me around the right kinds of people, which, I guess, would be my real source of happiness. Well, the right kinds of people along with stimulating conversation. When I think there has to be more to life, the "more" that I think about is the discussion of life itself. Hell, even my romantic interest in people is heavily influenced by whether they can provide that "more".

This blog has really been nothing but the expression of that obsession because I fear monotony more than anything else. The problems I have with my friends and family, the feelings of being disconnected with the rest of the world - it all seems to arise from the fact that I'm afraid of being bored, of being stuck in a life that has no inspiration in it. I look around and see so many people live such uninspired lives and I wonder how they do it, if it bothers them, but it always seems like they don't mind. Like it's just me. And, in a way, it is. What I enjoy the most, they don't get. But what they enjoy the most, I don't get. It doesn't mean that I'm unusual as a universal fact, it just means that in this context, I'm very out of place.

~R,

Things I Really, Really Want

1) A job in film, preferably doing something with video editing.
2) A girlfriend.
3) To make out while being fingered (isn't dependent on #2).
4) To learn how to swim and ride a bike.
5) To make a music video (or nine).
6) To find a place to skateboard and jump rope.
7) Many many cuddles.
8) To spend a week in Canada or at least a month out of the States.
9) To go to a sex club, dungeon, or munch.
10) To actually have one or two of the things on this list, especially #3.

~R.

Quick TMI

That time of the week folks! And guess what? My interwebs are working (for now)! It's going to be a quick one because I have an interview tomorrow (yay!) and I'm also in need of a little tlc.

This week’s questions are republished from November 23, 2010.

1. Have you ever shared sleeping accommodations with someone of the opposite sex without anything steamy happening?

Nope. Usually my sleeping accommodations are with the same sex and the steamy depends on the girl. Haven't had one hold me down and make out with me just yet, but I'm still young. Stuff can still happen.

2. Have you ever streaked, flashed, or otherwise partially or totally exposed yourself in public before (or after) an informal, unofficial gathering of people?

Nope, but after this last piercing, I've been thinking about doing it a lot more.

3. Have you had dates with multiple people in the same weekend (or consecutive nights or the same night) while not all of your dates were aware of your actions?

Nope. Never actually dated. Unless you count the (mostly) platonic dates I go on with friends, then yes. I am very much guilty of that.

4. What is the most “romantic” you have ever gotten in a movie theater?

Not at all actually. I like watching movies and I'd rather do that when I go. Now if you ask me how "romantic" I've gotten while on the phone or driving a car, then I could tell you some things.

5. Have you ever had sex when you knew a non-participating adult was watching?

Nope again. Never had a watcher, unless you count that pseudo-threesome we had. But even then, I think any watching that happened was only to see if the other person was finished (we were sharing a girl, it was weird and I promise a lot more tame than it sounds). Other than that, when I did have sex, we always did it within earshot of my ex's roommate. Loudly and on purpose. That girl was so annoying.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblogfrom your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Spoke Too Soon

So my internet is playing a game with me. One minute it's up and perfectly fine. The next, it's like I never gave it a loving home. I did break down and call tech support. Paul helped me. He was a nice man. Annoying, but nice. He got me connected and running smoothly for about four hours. Then no more connection. It was only by chance that it's up now. Meh.

Recap of the past and current month (in no real order):

Still in the midst of a job search. Turned down one position, going through the motions of the other even though I'm not sure if I want it now. It's a a soul eater (career job) and I'm definitely not ready for a career anything right now. It would require relocation, which is exciting, but I feel like I should stay put and work on getting video and design experience. I applied for like ten more in my area, all mostly part time. Went on only about two interviews in all this time. I'm still trying to learn graphic design at the job I work now, but I really need to pull in a bigger check. A second job is definitely in order.

Going to my first class in baby film school this weekend, which I am uber excited about. The course is in editing so I get the chance to see if that should really be my focus or not. Just from my own research into these careers it seems like a good fit, but having real experience with it would be a better judge of it.


May have broken off a friendship. Or maybe it's just something that I'm considering doing. If nothing else, I really do need to reevaluate the friend's place in my life. It's not really a big dramatic thing because this is mostly going to be an internal change, but if we lose touch in the meantime, I'm not going to worry over it. We both know where I am in this and it'll probably be better for the both of us. I need to talk to her before I make any real changes, but I already have a feeling about how this is going to end.


Flashed myself a few more times in the mirror. It's healing very nicely. Barely touching it gives it a quick rise. Usually, it takes a bit of coaxing.


Getting off the meds and actively working through my depression issues. Getting off of them is more of a "I don't have the means to stay on them" kind of thing right now. So it'll be better for me to wean off them with the ones I have left instead of waking up one day and realizing that I'm all out. Because that would suck. Majorly. Instead, I figure that I should be more active in trying to work through my depression. I had a major episode a couple of weeks ago that ended with me writing out a bunch of stuff, blowing up on one friend, and bonding with another. Mostly, it seems like I have a lot of unresolved stuff with my family that I need to work on. It makes me think that that's where a big part of my loneliness and feeling out of place comes in from. If I could go back to therapy that would be much better, but until I get my medical stuff straightened out I'm kinda on my own so I'll probably be writing about a lot of it here.


And I made a sandwich to end all sandwiches. There was pesto involved. Speaking of food, I'm going to go cook. Until next time,
~R.

Success!

I have rescued my interwebs from the scourge of notworkingness! So far as I know, it should give me a steady signal from here on out. Many words shall be had and written -- mostly me working stuff out -- and, of course, more TMI Tuesdays.

Oh! I got my nipple pierced (again)! It looks wonderful. I can't stop flashing myself in the mirror. Hopefully, a vertical clitoral hood piercing will be next.
~Rouge