There's a part of me that wishes to remain anonymous and under the radar. There's a certain freedom to it. I can create a blog like this, one that's very honest and self-conscious, without fear of repercussion. That is, without it affecting my "real" life in any palpable way. It's nice to have a space where you consider those things you don't really express in real life. On the other hand, I do want to be read. Maybe not for this blog, but some future endeavor, I'd like to write stuff for a nice core audience. Hopefully, I'd be able to strike a nice balance between "rock star literary figure" big (which is so rare anyway) and "only read in workshops" small.
I'm saying all of this because I'm really ashamed of that last post. I don't recognize myself when I get that low in depression. Everything hurts so much that I do anything for attention (except, you know, engage with others). But I think I spend so much time ignoring my own feelings that when I do get depressed, I'm forced to face up to all those little insecurities instead of handling them, or at least acknowledging them. Everything in that last post was true to me on some level, but I refused to acknowledge it. It makes life harder to wonder everyday if your friends really like you or if they're using you. I honestly think it's somewhere in between, but when I'm depressed all of those self-esteem issues come up. No one could possibly like me. I'm only good for X. Blah blah blah. All of which I understand as complete bs when I'm normal again.
Anyway, I'm glad that I can make the stupid mistake of writing something like that to a nonexistent audience and it not completely blowing up in my face. Granted, I made myself look like a jackass, but I'm learning. Besides, I have a feeling that if I do ever switch over to a new blog, I'm still going to write about depression. I'll just have to remind myself not to do it while depressed. And so I write this with the understanding that a large, overnight readership to this blog isn't really an imminent concern. But after this week, I became aware of how easily people will judge you for very stupid things and a blog like this would especially be target to that.
In other news....
Things have been getting much better. Writing that last post made me reflect on things and finally go get some extra help for the depression. I still get sad, but it's been more of a cleansing sadness than that dark pit of doom that I go into sometimes. So that's good. I also miss a few of my friends whom I haven't seen in a while, but I think I'm going to leave that to post another day.
---Rogue
Friday, March 30, 2012
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Depressed
Today seemed normal. Woke up at the crack of noon, ran errands, went home, checked out some books, took care of some really important business that I've been ignoring, but the whole time I was choking back depression. I've been like this for the past week or so and it sucks.
It sucks because I have moments of happiness that are so bright sometimes it's blinding. There's so much I want to see and do and experience, but when I'm depressed I'm paralyzed in the same thoughts. Or thought. It usually hinges on the idea that "no one actually cares about me," which of course if a complete lie. But my depressed self asks, "Well if it's a lie, then why are you always alone?"
I spend more time alone than I'd care to admit. Sometimes it's refreshing, I need to recharge, but a lot of the time it's unwilling. No one ever invites me to just hang out at an apt/room/dorm/etc. to watch t.v. or a movie or to play a game. I only hear from people who I've called or messaged first. Except for one friend, who waits until I've posted some depressing status on facebook to remember that I exist.
The people I call "friends" all have other people and groups they hang out with and talk to much more frequently, but I'm usually, and very pointedly, left out of these dealings. Hell even when my "best friend" hangs out with me, it's always separate from any of her other groups. And she loves to remind me how I'm not in one group in particular. Granted I left that group on my own, but only because I felt like I wasn't welcomed there anyway. Apparently, I don't fit anywhere. It's like everyone already made their friends and I just missed out on that.
This makes me feel like shit. My siblings don't deal with me unless they need something or feel I'm not doing my daughterly duty to our mom, whom they've left me to care for emotionally. And more often than not, my "friends" call on me because they need someone to take them out of their humdrum daily life, or because they need a ride, or because no one else will listen to them, etc. There's always a reason. It would be nice to have a friend or two who talked to me just because. To update me on their life and who also want to hear about mine. No one has asked me "how was your day" since The Poet, about three years ago. That's fucking pathetic.
Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm doing something wrong with my life. Maybe not. Whatever the case, it sucks.
It sucks because I have moments of happiness that are so bright sometimes it's blinding. There's so much I want to see and do and experience, but when I'm depressed I'm paralyzed in the same thoughts. Or thought. It usually hinges on the idea that "no one actually cares about me," which of course if a complete lie. But my depressed self asks, "Well if it's a lie, then why are you always alone?"
I spend more time alone than I'd care to admit. Sometimes it's refreshing, I need to recharge, but a lot of the time it's unwilling. No one ever invites me to just hang out at an apt/room/dorm/etc. to watch t.v. or a movie or to play a game. I only hear from people who I've called or messaged first. Except for one friend, who waits until I've posted some depressing status on facebook to remember that I exist.
The people I call "friends" all have other people and groups they hang out with and talk to much more frequently, but I'm usually, and very pointedly, left out of these dealings. Hell even when my "best friend" hangs out with me, it's always separate from any of her other groups. And she loves to remind me how I'm not in one group in particular. Granted I left that group on my own, but only because I felt like I wasn't welcomed there anyway. Apparently, I don't fit anywhere. It's like everyone already made their friends and I just missed out on that.
This makes me feel like shit. My siblings don't deal with me unless they need something or feel I'm not doing my daughterly duty to our mom, whom they've left me to care for emotionally. And more often than not, my "friends" call on me because they need someone to take them out of their humdrum daily life, or because they need a ride, or because no one else will listen to them, etc. There's always a reason. It would be nice to have a friend or two who talked to me just because. To update me on their life and who also want to hear about mine. No one has asked me "how was your day" since The Poet, about three years ago. That's fucking pathetic.
Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm doing something wrong with my life. Maybe not. Whatever the case, it sucks.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Updates and (Possible) Changes
I haven't been feeling so hot lately. My mood has been really inconsistent and I'm feeling sluggish again. Plus, I've started getting increasingly sad as the day goes on. It's times like this when I miss The Poet. She was my little night owl. I just want to be held and petted all night. Kisses would be nice too.
I made a girl pause today. She was in the middle of something, saw me, and just stopped and looked at me, slack jawed and starry eyed, for a second or so. It was nice. She was pretty cute too. I forget that people can find me attractive sometimes. Speaking of which, I still haven't talked to this guy I'm interested in. It's a bit frustrating because I want to be smooth about it and just casually talk to him, but it's also taking too long. He could be a major jerk or the sweetest guy I've ever met, but I won't know because I've never had a significant conversation with him.
And the bestie is still the bestie. I don't want to bother her about it anymore, but I've still been on edge. I think I just need to see her. She has really intense nonverbal expressions so I think it would put me at ease to have my senses know that everything is okay, instead of just my head, which constantly doubts itself. If something feels off, then I'll have reason to freak and bring it up again. For now, I'm going to try to convince myself that that's the end of it.
Anyway, I have a new idea and focus for a blog. Most likely, it's going to be the place where I do critical theory on pop culture. I'm probably going to still keep this one and shield it so I can write about my personal life in (relative) private.
I've also been writing creatively since the last post. The story line that I'm working on doesn't have a complete arc just yet, but there's already room for more. This makes me very happy. I'm going to need to find a place to put that stuff too.
Welp, that's all for now. Til next time.
---Rogue
I made a girl pause today. She was in the middle of something, saw me, and just stopped and looked at me, slack jawed and starry eyed, for a second or so. It was nice. She was pretty cute too. I forget that people can find me attractive sometimes. Speaking of which, I still haven't talked to this guy I'm interested in. It's a bit frustrating because I want to be smooth about it and just casually talk to him, but it's also taking too long. He could be a major jerk or the sweetest guy I've ever met, but I won't know because I've never had a significant conversation with him.
And the bestie is still the bestie. I don't want to bother her about it anymore, but I've still been on edge. I think I just need to see her. She has really intense nonverbal expressions so I think it would put me at ease to have my senses know that everything is okay, instead of just my head, which constantly doubts itself. If something feels off, then I'll have reason to freak and bring it up again. For now, I'm going to try to convince myself that that's the end of it.
Anyway, I have a new idea and focus for a blog. Most likely, it's going to be the place where I do critical theory on pop culture. I'm probably going to still keep this one and shield it so I can write about my personal life in (relative) private.
I've also been writing creatively since the last post. The story line that I'm working on doesn't have a complete arc just yet, but there's already room for more. This makes me very happy. I'm going to need to find a place to put that stuff too.
Welp, that's all for now. Til next time.
---Rogue
Monday, March 19, 2012
Confessional: Project
I want to start a creative project. No, actually, I want to FINISH a creative project. I have so many in my head, but nothing ever gets off the ground because I have the attention span of a small child.
Technically, I'm working on what I hope to be a graphic novel, or a mediocre webcomic with a modest following. The last time I spent any significant time on it was at an airport in Utah two months ago. I made a lot of headway on it and was really enjoying the story line. I think I treat myself to creative stuff. When I know I can relax, I'll start taking and editing pictures or writing bad poems and decent short stories. I've beat it in my head that all my creative stuff is a hobby and that's it. It won't feed my travelling addiction or keep me in the latest bookstore. Right now, I'm thinking about all the class work I need to get done, but instead of doing any of it, I'm sitting in my room procrastinating like hell on the internet because I don't want to lead a group project.
God. How much time have I wasted procrastinating on the internet when I could be procrastinating on something I love to do?
Meh. I blame everything on being terrified of indulging myself and having a near manic desire to fit in. I lose myself in the things I like: sex, work, talking to people, people, writing, whatever. It scares me because I lose control, but I also like that I lose control in those things. When I'm in that head space nothing else matters, but it scares me because I can't control it, but... well, you get the picture. I don't know why I do that. Maybe I'm holding myself up to other people's standards? I mean getting good grades means nothing to me right now, but I still have this strange notion that I can't do badly this semester (or I can't do badly on this assignment, etc.). It's the same thing with careers. I feel like I should be going into one of those "successful" careers of the last post, even though I'm also fighting against it. Whatever it is, I still have a tendency to deny myself the things that I want most (cue memories of Lilly).
The raging desire to fit in is one of those stupid ticks I got growing up. There came a time when I started to feel distinctly different from my family. I was too young for my siblings, too old and far away from my cousins, and I saw my nieces and nephews infrequently. Shy in elementary. Awkward and occasionally picked on in middle school. By high school, I pretty much lost all interest in my peers. I made a lot of friends though and we all bonded over music, art, our interest in sex, and our mutual awkwardness. But I was always much more interested in talking to my teachers, even though it made me feel a bit awkward (which is all still true now). It didn't help that the adults in my life all treated me like some golden child the whole way through. They loved putting me in front of crowds, make me lead things, or give speeches. This made the closest of my friends jealous of me and everyone else put me on a small pedestal.
Needless to say (but I'm going to anyway), I hated it. Stuff like that still makes me a bit uncomfortable (when my prof looks at me to speak up in class, when my manager gives me the keys to something because I'm "responsible and can handle it", commanding the attention of a room, leading anything), but I still end up being in those positions. I'm the kind of person who thrives on love and affection. It kills me to have people put me at a distance or set me apart. I hid my past from a lot of the friends I have now and I still get pointed out as "intelligent". All that being lonely stuff is probably what led me to the depression. Oh and I'm also really distrustful of people when they tell me I'm good at something.
Blurg. See, if I wasn't fucked up enough to actually finish something, I'd be just fucked up enough to be an awesome artist. Ciao loves.
---Rogue
Technically, I'm working on what I hope to be a graphic novel, or a mediocre webcomic with a modest following. The last time I spent any significant time on it was at an airport in Utah two months ago. I made a lot of headway on it and was really enjoying the story line. I think I treat myself to creative stuff. When I know I can relax, I'll start taking and editing pictures or writing bad poems and decent short stories. I've beat it in my head that all my creative stuff is a hobby and that's it. It won't feed my travelling addiction or keep me in the latest bookstore. Right now, I'm thinking about all the class work I need to get done, but instead of doing any of it, I'm sitting in my room procrastinating like hell on the internet because I don't want to lead a group project.
God. How much time have I wasted procrastinating on the internet when I could be procrastinating on something I love to do?
Meh. I blame everything on being terrified of indulging myself and having a near manic desire to fit in. I lose myself in the things I like: sex, work, talking to people, people, writing, whatever. It scares me because I lose control, but I also like that I lose control in those things. When I'm in that head space nothing else matters, but it scares me because I can't control it, but... well, you get the picture. I don't know why I do that. Maybe I'm holding myself up to other people's standards? I mean getting good grades means nothing to me right now, but I still have this strange notion that I can't do badly this semester (or I can't do badly on this assignment, etc.). It's the same thing with careers. I feel like I should be going into one of those "successful" careers of the last post, even though I'm also fighting against it. Whatever it is, I still have a tendency to deny myself the things that I want most (cue memories of Lilly).
The raging desire to fit in is one of those stupid ticks I got growing up. There came a time when I started to feel distinctly different from my family. I was too young for my siblings, too old and far away from my cousins, and I saw my nieces and nephews infrequently. Shy in elementary. Awkward and occasionally picked on in middle school. By high school, I pretty much lost all interest in my peers. I made a lot of friends though and we all bonded over music, art, our interest in sex, and our mutual awkwardness. But I was always much more interested in talking to my teachers, even though it made me feel a bit awkward (which is all still true now). It didn't help that the adults in my life all treated me like some golden child the whole way through. They loved putting me in front of crowds, make me lead things, or give speeches. This made the closest of my friends jealous of me and everyone else put me on a small pedestal.
Needless to say (but I'm going to anyway), I hated it. Stuff like that still makes me a bit uncomfortable (when my prof looks at me to speak up in class, when my manager gives me the keys to something because I'm "responsible and can handle it", commanding the attention of a room, leading anything), but I still end up being in those positions. I'm the kind of person who thrives on love and affection. It kills me to have people put me at a distance or set me apart. I hid my past from a lot of the friends I have now and I still get pointed out as "intelligent". All that being lonely stuff is probably what led me to the depression. Oh and I'm also really distrustful of people when they tell me I'm good at something.
Blurg. See, if I wasn't fucked up enough to actually finish something, I'd be just fucked up enough to be an awesome artist. Ciao loves.
---Rogue
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Life and Such
So I'm a rogue scholar. I love the name. I love what it means. I love that a "rogue" is a dishonest man. I love that this is exactly what I feel like, even though I'm neither a man nor dishonest. I have a thing for words.
I feel like I've been groomed for success from an early age, which is funny because I'll be the first to tell you that I've always been a big fish in a small pond (except in elementary, when I was arguably "normal"). People have wanted me to be a doctor, an engineer, a lawyer, to have a traditional "successful" career. The people around me now are trying to turn me into a professor, which is why I'm on the lamb from grad school (although I'm probably going to go anyway). I'm almost out of college and I'm half-jokingly (but quite seriously) thinking about how I can get into the sex industry. This is to say that I'm not nearly as traditional as anyone would want me to be.
Part of it seems to be because I'm surrounded by people who are occasionally and hopelessly provincial. There's nothing wrong with that, but it makes for a pretty lonely life. Lonely because it makes me feel different. When everyone around you thinks that the pinnacle of life is to be married to one person while working a stable job in middle management, trying to explain your desire to move to the other side of the country to take photos of BDSM models while having an open relationship with one of them is a little strange. Hell to even attempt to explain a slight bent towards BDSM is out of the question. I once tried to explain to someone how sex with a friend seems like a perfectly natural extension of the love you have for them (both parties being mutual and consenting, of course) and it was like I was speaking in a foreign language.
I don't believe in the "one and only forever love" thing. I think that idealizes people too much. I think there are people who will have a huge impact on your life, people who you'd want to keep around and make a life with, and even people who you just want to have sweaty fun time with, but every connection with another person is special. I like people at their messiest, most honest, and most unsure. But that's just me. Live and let live I think. Point being is that I'm dying to find adventurous, artsy, thoughtful people. I can't be the only person in the world who feels like this. There has to be more.
Bleh. My rant for the night.
-Rogue
I feel like I've been groomed for success from an early age, which is funny because I'll be the first to tell you that I've always been a big fish in a small pond (except in elementary, when I was arguably "normal"). People have wanted me to be a doctor, an engineer, a lawyer, to have a traditional "successful" career. The people around me now are trying to turn me into a professor, which is why I'm on the lamb from grad school (although I'm probably going to go anyway). I'm almost out of college and I'm half-jokingly (but quite seriously) thinking about how I can get into the sex industry. This is to say that I'm not nearly as traditional as anyone would want me to be.
Part of it seems to be because I'm surrounded by people who are occasionally and hopelessly provincial. There's nothing wrong with that, but it makes for a pretty lonely life. Lonely because it makes me feel different. When everyone around you thinks that the pinnacle of life is to be married to one person while working a stable job in middle management, trying to explain your desire to move to the other side of the country to take photos of BDSM models while having an open relationship with one of them is a little strange. Hell to even attempt to explain a slight bent towards BDSM is out of the question. I once tried to explain to someone how sex with a friend seems like a perfectly natural extension of the love you have for them (both parties being mutual and consenting, of course) and it was like I was speaking in a foreign language.
I don't believe in the "one and only forever love" thing. I think that idealizes people too much. I think there are people who will have a huge impact on your life, people who you'd want to keep around and make a life with, and even people who you just want to have sweaty fun time with, but every connection with another person is special. I like people at their messiest, most honest, and most unsure. But that's just me. Live and let live I think. Point being is that I'm dying to find adventurous, artsy, thoughtful people. I can't be the only person in the world who feels like this. There has to be more.
Bleh. My rant for the night.
-Rogue
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Sleepy Post: Silver Edition
I keep intending to both write and check out some of the other features on this thing, but I just haven't had the time! Hopefully soon, I can get a more consistent schedule and find some sort of focus for this blog. For now, I'll make up for lost times by writing a sleepy post.
I'm back home! I took a small vacation out of town to visit some people I know and had a lot of fun. I really enjoy walking around and being a tourist, but I'm so glad to be off my feet for a while. I came back home today and almost immediately went to visit with friends. They also went out of town, although not as far. While we were exchanging stories about our individual adventures, Chubbs called. Apparently she's worried about me. This is the same girl who I've been avoiding like the plague for the last year after she dropped me like a piece of used tissue paper. While I am incredibly grateful to her leaving me, I do wish she would stay away. This unexpected gem made me realize just how much I've grown (and not) since then.
For one, I've started paying more attention to my own feelings, wants, needs, etc. I'm not great at it, but at least I'm more willing to tell people what I don't like and I do it more often. Sometimes, I can even muster up the courage to ask for what I want, which brings us to last weekend. I finally told my best friend that I have a crush on her. This is a big deal for me in a few ways. 1) This is the first time I've ever told someone I liked that I like them (I'm pretty inexperienced). 2) This is the first time in a very long time that I've had a reasonable crush on someone. 3) I actually want to kiss her.
I find a lot of different people attractive (friends included), but this rarely means that I want anything physical with them. I used to think that I was asexual, but now I just think that certain people catch my attention in different ways. When I first met this friend, let's call her Snowflake, I definitely thought she was physically attractive. Actually, I remember seeing her photo online before we met and thinking something like, "She looks cute... and goofy," which is still a pretty apt description.
When we met (which was a complete accident that probably would have never happened if I hadn't said that one random thing to that one random girl who took me to this one random meeting for a group that I randomly decided to join), it was in a group setting. Everyone talked and opened up about themselves pretty easily, except her. Even so, she still seemed so aware of everyone and everything else. I got the chance to talk to her alone on a lot of different occasions and it was like the more she told me about herself, the more I wanted to know. Those days were frustrating because she would be in the middle of telling me some story about herself and would stop the second someone else came. I still don't know the end to a lot of those stories.
A while back, I started becoming increasingly aware of how beautiful she is. I became tense and awkward, all those little signs of a crush, but I locked it away in the back of my head. That is, until one night, we went out for drinks and got fairly drunk. Inhibitions on mute, I stared at her lips and everything in me screamed to steal a kiss. So what did I do? I stole her phone instead and ignored her the rest of the night. Because even drunk I couldn't make a move like that. I want her to stay comfortable with me like she is now. It's nice to know she enjoys my company. I don't want to ruin that by preying on her (which, I know, is such an exaggeration of something as small as a kiss). I finally came out and told her because I know I can trust her with my feelings and because part of me knows that she won't get too weirded out by it. That was my biggest fear and she's completely laid it to rest at this point. I told her and the world didn't end. We're still friends.
I'm just thinking via blog, which is probably why the post is so long tonight. I guess these are just all the words I had sitting inside of me this past week. Feels nice to lay them out like this. Oh well. Good night. Ciao. Bon Nuit. Buenos Tardes. Etc., etc., etc.
I'm back home! I took a small vacation out of town to visit some people I know and had a lot of fun. I really enjoy walking around and being a tourist, but I'm so glad to be off my feet for a while. I came back home today and almost immediately went to visit with friends. They also went out of town, although not as far. While we were exchanging stories about our individual adventures, Chubbs called. Apparently she's worried about me. This is the same girl who I've been avoiding like the plague for the last year after she dropped me like a piece of used tissue paper. While I am incredibly grateful to her leaving me, I do wish she would stay away. This unexpected gem made me realize just how much I've grown (and not) since then.
For one, I've started paying more attention to my own feelings, wants, needs, etc. I'm not great at it, but at least I'm more willing to tell people what I don't like and I do it more often. Sometimes, I can even muster up the courage to ask for what I want, which brings us to last weekend. I finally told my best friend that I have a crush on her. This is a big deal for me in a few ways. 1) This is the first time I've ever told someone I liked that I like them (I'm pretty inexperienced). 2) This is the first time in a very long time that I've had a reasonable crush on someone. 3) I actually want to kiss her.
I find a lot of different people attractive (friends included), but this rarely means that I want anything physical with them. I used to think that I was asexual, but now I just think that certain people catch my attention in different ways. When I first met this friend, let's call her Snowflake, I definitely thought she was physically attractive. Actually, I remember seeing her photo online before we met and thinking something like, "She looks cute... and goofy," which is still a pretty apt description.
When we met (which was a complete accident that probably would have never happened if I hadn't said that one random thing to that one random girl who took me to this one random meeting for a group that I randomly decided to join), it was in a group setting. Everyone talked and opened up about themselves pretty easily, except her. Even so, she still seemed so aware of everyone and everything else. I got the chance to talk to her alone on a lot of different occasions and it was like the more she told me about herself, the more I wanted to know. Those days were frustrating because she would be in the middle of telling me some story about herself and would stop the second someone else came. I still don't know the end to a lot of those stories.
I'm just thinking via blog, which is probably why the post is so long tonight. I guess these are just all the words I had sitting inside of me this past week. Feels nice to lay them out like this. Oh well. Good night. Ciao. Bon Nuit. Buenos Tardes. Etc., etc., etc.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
TMI Tuesday: Wishlist
So my plane landed safely and all that. Today I've been settling in and I almost forgot what day it is. Without further ado (and because I really don't feel like writing an actual post today), here's TMI Tuesday!
This week’s TMI Tuesday idea is brought to you by Mistress Gail who was inspired by the handy little app that allows you to add anything to your Amazon gift list–the universal wish list button.
Let your imaginations run free because we want to know what secret something or someone you’d add to your wishlist.
1. We all know and love a Top 10 list, who or what is number one on your wishlist?
Right now, the number one thing on my wishlist would be some new luggage. It's a small thing, but the one I have now is falling apart on me and I really like to travel. I know it isn't sexy or fun, but I need it! I guess I can be uber practical sometimes.
2. Tell us 2 naughty things you’d put on your wishlist and 2 more naughty or nice things you’d add to the list.
Oooh! I really want a Crown Harness or Spareparts Joque Harness and a Tantus Realdoe. Oh please, oh please, oh please! And the other two things, I guess would be a Magnum Dildo and a year subscription to Netflix. I'm super easy to buy for.
3. Your order has been mixed up and instead of your selected gift you receive Fireman Sam (see http://mollysdailykiss.com/2011/12/07/inflation/). What do you do?
Mail him straight off to a friend, of course! I actually do have a friend that I would love to give something like that to just to see the look on her face. After all, sharing is caring.
4. The miss-delivery is sorted and you get the right order. Because of the mix-up you’ve also received a free gift voucher for one of many new accessories available to enhance your new wishlist item. What do you choose?
I guess condoms or lube. Once again, practical.
5. Your best friend arrives at your back door just as the courier (who is to die for) arrives at the front door with your accessory delivery. What do you do? (choose one)
a) usher your friend away because it’s ALL YOURS! and you can’t wait, let alone share
b) tell your friend to come inside with the intent to have them join in
c) what the heck, two’s company, four’s an orgy! (invite the courier in as well)
a) usher your friend away because it’s ALL YOURS! and you can’t wait, let alone share
b) tell your friend to come inside with the intent to have them join in
c) what the heck, two’s company, four’s an orgy! (invite the courier in as well)
What can I say? I'm greedy sometimes.
Bonus: Do you have a real wish list in the works? If yes, what’s on it?
Not really. I guess I have a sort of travelling or activities wishlist, but it's all very vague.
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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblogfrom your website!
Monday, March 12, 2012
Quickie
This weekend has been incredibly interesting. I finally got to be a tourist in my city. I watched some pretty good lesbian films that I thought about reviewing. I walked around in the pouring rain with my friends singing loudly (and badly). I started playing an RPG and met some new people. I told my best friend that I have a crush on her and the world didn't end.
I want to write more, but I have a plane to catch tomorrow and I'm already so sleepy.
I want to write more, but I have a plane to catch tomorrow and I'm already so sleepy.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Sleepy Post: Playmate
Tonight sucked.
I'm mad, horny, frustrated, slightly depressed, and tired. I miss playing with another girl. I miss my senses being filled up with her, hands on fire, biting soft lips until she whimpers. I miss running my fingers across her hair, playing with softness, making her sigh or giggle. I miss sliding my fingers into her. I miss her wetness and feeling her muscles tense and tighten. I miss listening to a girl moan and orgasm. I miss her mouth on me. I miss being teased and played with. It's been about four years since I've had that and a year since I've had sex. I feel like a virgin again.
I've only been with two girls physically (and one girl who lived out of state and had a particular talent for phone sex). The first time I ever messed around with a girl, we were in high school. I'll call her Lilly. She could turn me on with a look or a lick of the lips (her mouth was magical), but it never went far because of a lot of random things. I was pretty reserved and afraid of losing control back then, she was afraid of being gay, we never had enough alone time, our mutual friend was also in love with her...
My ex (and first actual) girlfriend, who I'm going to call Chubbs, was the second. She sucked at sex and that's me being nice about it. She was a liar, incredibly insecure, and borderline psychologically abusive. I tried a lot of different things with her, but none of them ever felt particularly good or right. After our first time together, I think I was incapable of ever feeling anything good from her again. Even though I knew that at the time, for whatever reason, I still took her back. Ugh.
I guess I took the year off to purge myself from her. Went in and out of therapy, got some shiny new piercings, stopped blaming myself for her, started to accept myself again, other stuff. And now I miss being intimate. I don't think I'm particularly ready for another relationship and I've never been big on sex with strangers (or near strangers), but I'm definitely ready to play again.
I'm mad, horny, frustrated, slightly depressed, and tired. I miss playing with another girl. I miss my senses being filled up with her, hands on fire, biting soft lips until she whimpers. I miss running my fingers across her hair, playing with softness, making her sigh or giggle. I miss sliding my fingers into her. I miss her wetness and feeling her muscles tense and tighten. I miss listening to a girl moan and orgasm. I miss her mouth on me. I miss being teased and played with. It's been about four years since I've had that and a year since I've had sex. I feel like a virgin again.
I've only been with two girls physically (and one girl who lived out of state and had a particular talent for phone sex). The first time I ever messed around with a girl, we were in high school. I'll call her Lilly. She could turn me on with a look or a lick of the lips (her mouth was magical), but it never went far because of a lot of random things. I was pretty reserved and afraid of losing control back then, she was afraid of being gay, we never had enough alone time, our mutual friend was also in love with her...
My ex (and first actual) girlfriend, who I'm going to call Chubbs, was the second. She sucked at sex and that's me being nice about it. She was a liar, incredibly insecure, and borderline psychologically abusive. I tried a lot of different things with her, but none of them ever felt particularly good or right. After our first time together, I think I was incapable of ever feeling anything good from her again. Even though I knew that at the time, for whatever reason, I still took her back. Ugh.
I guess I took the year off to purge myself from her. Went in and out of therapy, got some shiny new piercings, stopped blaming myself for her, started to accept myself again, other stuff. And now I miss being intimate. I don't think I'm particularly ready for another relationship and I've never been big on sex with strangers (or near strangers), but I'm definitely ready to play again.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Hello World (and also TMI Tuesday!)
Hi there.
The name's Rogue, but you can call me RS if it tickles your fancy (extra points if the first thing you thought of was RuneScape). I'm a senior at [Working Man's University], graduating with a degree in [Generic Humanities]. I wanted to start a blog because I'm freaking out about graduating, not knowing what comes after school and all. Besides, I like the idea of being able to have a kind of open diary for everyone to read. Yeah, I'm a bit of an exhibitionist like that.
Oh! I'm pretty sex-positive and bisexual with heavy leanings towards the ladies right now, so you have fair warning now if this quickly turns into a sex blog. Also, I'm a huge movie fan. I'll watch any movie, but I only have in-depth knowledge about certain types of movies, which are usually about women or different cultures. Not that I don't love movies about my guys, but I mostly crave to see images of women on the big screen (teehee).
That's all for now I guess. If you have any tips on how I can run this thing better or just want to drop by and say hi, that would be awesome. I'm a major newb, but a warm and fuzzy newb. Like a kitten. A blogging kitten. Yea...
On to TMI Tuesday!
This week’s TMI Tuesday consist of questions pulled from various TMI Tuesday posts from the year 2010. If you played with us back then and already answered these questions, feel free to reproduce your answers. It’s fine, there are a lot of new TMI Tuesday players. Of course, things have changed over time so you could give all new answers to the questions, too.
The name's Rogue, but you can call me RS if it tickles your fancy (extra points if the first thing you thought of was RuneScape). I'm a senior at [Working Man's University], graduating with a degree in [Generic Humanities]. I wanted to start a blog because I'm freaking out about graduating, not knowing what comes after school and all. Besides, I like the idea of being able to have a kind of open diary for everyone to read. Yeah, I'm a bit of an exhibitionist like that.
Oh! I'm pretty sex-positive and bisexual with heavy leanings towards the ladies right now, so you have fair warning now if this quickly turns into a sex blog. Also, I'm a huge movie fan. I'll watch any movie, but I only have in-depth knowledge about certain types of movies, which are usually about women or different cultures. Not that I don't love movies about my guys, but I mostly crave to see images of women on the big screen (teehee).
That's all for now I guess. If you have any tips on how I can run this thing better or just want to drop by and say hi, that would be awesome. I'm a major newb, but a warm and fuzzy newb. Like a kitten. A blogging kitten. Yea...
On to TMI Tuesday!
TMI Tuesday: March 6, 2012
This week’s TMI Tuesday consist of questions pulled from various TMI Tuesday posts from the year 2010. If you played with us back then and already answered these questions, feel free to reproduce your answers. It’s fine, there are a lot of new TMI Tuesday players. Of course, things have changed over time so you could give all new answers to the questions, too.
__________________
The link after the question, is the URL of the blogger that created that TMI Tuesday question(s).
1. November 23, 2010 – Have you ever shared sleeping accommodations with someone of the opposite sex without anything steamy happening? (www.playfullyyours.blogspot.com)
Yup, but that's because all my sleeping accommodations have been with other girls. Usually in the same bed. And actually involved sleeping, for at least one of the parties.
2. November 9, 2010 – When it comes to swinging or partner swapping, which would excite you more, watching or being watched? (virtualsin.wordpress.com)
Although, my last girlfriend really made me self-conscious about that kind of thing, I still think I'd enjoy being watched more.
3. November 2, 2010 – Would you vote for a candidate caught in a sex scandal?
(virtualsin.wordpress.com)
Depends on the scandal. If a person likes to do X with another consenting adult, then what do I care? But if it has anything to do with kids, then almost certainly not.
4. October 11, 2010 – Do you masturbate to porn, and if so, what is your favorite genre?(virtualsin.wordpress.com)
*sheepishly* yes. I really don't have a favorite. It all depends on my mood, but I tend to mostly watch gay porn (except recently, which has all been lesbian porn). But anything that looks like the actress is actually enjoying herself (or, omg, looks like a believable orgasm) is an instant favorite. I'm usually not into anything too violent or kinky though. Although, I have seen some submission porn that was pretty good. Yea, it just depends.
5. September 7, 2010 – What are three mistakes someone could make on the first date with you that would automatically make you turn down a second date with them?(www.pleasure-principle-hedone.blogspot.com)
1) Snobishness or small-mindedness. It's a superiority thing. I'm not saying that if a person has good taste in wine or music or something then I wouldn't go out with them. If that person uses those things as justification for being better than others, then I couldn't go back for a second date.
2) Being too self-centered. I could probably be friends with someone who only wanted to talk about themselves, but I definitely couldn't date that person.
3) Extreme lack of chemistry. Awkwardness is okay. In fact, I'd be more at ease with an awkward date. But if I'm on a date with someone and my mind is wandering on doing laundry the whole time, then it's time to call it quits.
Bonus: Is your sex drive in park, neutral or over-drive. Explain.
Over-drive. It may have something to do with the lack of willing partners in my life, but I've been through the roof with excessive sexual energy lately. Usually, I'm pretty neutral.
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!
Happy TMI Tuesday!
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