Sleepy Post: Playmate

Tonight sucked.

I'm mad, horny, frustrated, slightly depressed, and tired. I miss playing with another girl. I miss my senses being filled up with her, hands on fire, biting soft lips until she whimpers. I miss running my fingers across her hair, playing with softness, making her sigh or giggle. I miss sliding my fingers into her. I miss her wetness and feeling her muscles tense and tighten. I miss listening to a girl moan and orgasm. I miss her mouth on me. I miss being teased and played with. It's been about four years since I've had that and a year since I've had sex. I feel like a virgin again.

I've only been with two girls physically (and one girl who lived out of state and had a particular talent for phone sex). The first time I ever messed around with a girl, we were in high school. I'll call her Lilly. She could turn me on with a look or a lick of the lips (her mouth was magical), but it never went far because of a lot of random things. I was pretty reserved and afraid of losing control back then, she was afraid of being gay, we never had enough alone time, our mutual friend was also in love with her...

My ex (and first actual) girlfriend, who I'm going to call Chubbs, was the second. She sucked at sex and that's me being nice about it. She was a liar, incredibly insecure, and borderline psychologically abusive. I tried a lot of different things with her, but none of them ever felt particularly good or right. After our first time together, I think I was incapable of ever feeling anything good from her again. Even though I knew that at the time, for whatever reason, I still took her back. Ugh.

I guess I took the year off to purge myself from her. Went in and out of therapy, got some shiny new piercings, stopped blaming myself for her, started to accept myself again, other stuff. And now I miss being intimate. I don't think I'm particularly ready for another relationship and I've never been big on sex with strangers (or near strangers), but I'm definitely ready to play again.