Hi! I'm bisexual. I don't think I've explicitly said that here, but I am. I usually like girls more, but lately I've really been into guys. I feel like it's the Gentleman's fault. (That's the unofficial name of the guy I've been talking about for the last two posts or so.) I want him, but as much as he makes me happy and excited to be around him, I'm none to hopeful that it will lead anywhere. I sometimes get the feeling that people just don't find me attractive, but, more likely than not, they probably just exile me to the friend zone. That's what I think is going to happen with him.
I don't think I'm unattractive. I'm cute, adorable even, not sexy. I don't consider myself feminine visually, but I feel very feminine most of the time, which is weird I guess. I feel most comfortable in a tomboyish style, which usually ends up looking more butch than I intend. Apparently, I have a nice smile, which is good because I laugh a lot. And I'm smart. Also apparently, smartness is written across my face somehow. I don't know. These are the things people tell me. I don't know if that would be enough to attract someone, but that's all I got.
As of now, I just enjoy his company. He's really honest and open-minded in the way that I would want a potential partner to be. He's attractive and I can see myself being very comfortable lying his arms. He's also kinky enough to not find my (mostly vanilla) sadomasochistic tendencies too weird. We're both into a lot of the same things, but I haven't really told him much about me. Mostly because I just like hearing him talk. The more he talks the more I'm surprised by how similar our interests are. Oh and I like the way he feels when he hugs me.
Anything is possibly, but relationships are messy so I'm hesitant about telling him how I feel. I want to stay in this glow for a while, but I would also love the chance to date him. I've never been in a strictly monogamous, mutually consensual relationship before so this is both new and exciting for me. I've been feeling much better anyway with school drawing to a close so I may just go for it. What would I really have to lose? Stay tuned.
~R.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
Reprieve
I feel like I've been given a second chance. My professors were so gracious as to relax their requirements for the last few assignments of the semester. This means that I can breath again. I'm going to take this break to actually go see my family and maybe even get a full night's sleep. It's sad how I've let classes and grades consume my life, but it'll be all over in three more weeks. I'm probably going to continue to write about this for a while though because it feels like such a huge thing. I'm ending one chapter in my life and starting another.
I just can't believe it sometimes. Everything is too surreal.
Anyway, I have one more assignment that I need to finish before midnight. After that, I'm going to treat myself to a wank fest of the gods!
Because I totally deserve it.
~R.
I just can't believe it sometimes. Everything is too surreal.
Anyway, I have one more assignment that I need to finish before midnight. After that, I'm going to treat myself to a wank fest of the gods!
Because I totally deserve it.
~R.
Sleepy Post: Adjusting (but anxious)
It's cold in my room, but I refuse to wear pants! Anyway, I thought it was time for a proper post.
So I adjusted my meds (meaning that I actually took them on time) and I feel much better than yesterday. Still anxious about school and such, but it's a lot easier to deal. Okay that's a lie, I'm still as scared as I was sans-meds but I'm not paralyzed by it all. I've pretty much skipped out on all the pre-graduation partying because 1) I'm not big on the fancy and 2) I'm not feeling up to celebrating.
I know this is only a transition thing that I'm going through. I did something incredibly similar in high school so I recognize this as my way of (not really) dealing with endings. The only difference between then and now is that I had a comfortable group of friends to fall back on. Here, it's too easy for me to lock myself away from everyone else. And if the Great Spaghetti Monster hadn't created facebook and text messaging, I doubt any of the people I know would know if I was dead or alive.
I can see why people push the idea of getting into organizations in college. It gives students a support system. Even those small organizations that play games or volunteer together are huge helps. In high school, I was forced into a lot of the organizations I got involved with and the adults loved to put me in charge of this or that bit of responsibility. It made me feel isolated and just wore me out in general. I told myself I wouldn't get into a bunch of stuff here because of that. I ended up sitting in my dorm the first two years of college without any real friends and very introverted.
I got into a sorority and that changed everything for better and worse. I had a network and people who I talked to and hung out with. It was pretty cool all around. Then some stuff happened that left me feeling more isolated than before. I felt completely ostracized from the group and I became... reckless. I wasn't suicidal, but I was deeply depressed and felt incredibly (guess what?) isolated. Luckily, I had some friends outside the orgo who helped me cope with those feelings. The first time, I went back and tried to work things out internally. The second time, I gave up (on it and them) and went to a therapist.
So there you have it. I am someone who feels isolated most of the time. Partially because I'm actually isolated and partially because I physically (maybe emotionally as well?) isolate myself. Pop psychology 101 folks. Cynicism aside, though, working through stuff on this blog has been therapeutic as well. It's nice to keep track of my reflections and watch patterns that crop up and try to figure out why. Like I never realized how much I talk about high school as though it were the apex of my life. It was a pretty lousy time, but I guess it was better than how it is now. Guess I never adjusted to college. If nothing else, I guess this all gives me something to talk to my therapist about.
That's all for now. And thanks for reading!
~R.
So I adjusted my meds (meaning that I actually took them on time) and I feel much better than yesterday. Still anxious about school and such, but it's a lot easier to deal. Okay that's a lie, I'm still as scared as I was sans-meds but I'm not paralyzed by it all. I've pretty much skipped out on all the pre-graduation partying because 1) I'm not big on the fancy and 2) I'm not feeling up to celebrating.
I know this is only a transition thing that I'm going through. I did something incredibly similar in high school so I recognize this as my way of (not really) dealing with endings. The only difference between then and now is that I had a comfortable group of friends to fall back on. Here, it's too easy for me to lock myself away from everyone else. And if the Great Spaghetti Monster hadn't created facebook and text messaging, I doubt any of the people I know would know if I was dead or alive.
I can see why people push the idea of getting into organizations in college. It gives students a support system. Even those small organizations that play games or volunteer together are huge helps. In high school, I was forced into a lot of the organizations I got involved with and the adults loved to put me in charge of this or that bit of responsibility. It made me feel isolated and just wore me out in general. I told myself I wouldn't get into a bunch of stuff here because of that. I ended up sitting in my dorm the first two years of college without any real friends and very introverted.
I got into a sorority and that changed everything for better and worse. I had a network and people who I talked to and hung out with. It was pretty cool all around. Then some stuff happened that left me feeling more isolated than before. I felt completely ostracized from the group and I became... reckless. I wasn't suicidal, but I was deeply depressed and felt incredibly (guess what?) isolated. Luckily, I had some friends outside the orgo who helped me cope with those feelings. The first time, I went back and tried to work things out internally. The second time, I gave up (on it and them) and went to a therapist.
So there you have it. I am someone who feels isolated most of the time. Partially because I'm actually isolated and partially because I physically (maybe emotionally as well?) isolate myself. Pop psychology 101 folks. Cynicism aside, though, working through stuff on this blog has been therapeutic as well. It's nice to keep track of my reflections and watch patterns that crop up and try to figure out why. Like I never realized how much I talk about high school as though it were the apex of my life. It was a pretty lousy time, but I guess it was better than how it is now. Guess I never adjusted to college. If nothing else, I guess this all gives me something to talk to my therapist about.
That's all for now. And thanks for reading!
~R.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Hopeless
I've been on meds for a month now. For the most part they seemed to be working. Today I spent most of the day crying and chained to the bed. It's nearly tomorrow and I don't know where the day went. I got out and exercised for a bit and that seemed to help too, but I'm still sad. In three weeks, I'm going to be out of university. I feel like a stranger to my family. I'm never really sure if I have friends or not. And I have no idea what my next step should be. No wonder I'm depressed.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
TMI (and other) Tuesday Fails
I haven't played TMI Tuesday for a few weeks now and I'm pretty sad about this. With school, work, and a worsening case of senoritis, it's been hard to keep up with anything. Plus, this week I could answer all the questions with a resounding 'no', so I figure I'll pass on playing.
I want to write a lengthy post about some of the random thoughts I've been having this week, but I'm too far behind on work to allow myself anything but a few words here and to skim through some of the folks on my blogroll (I think that's what it's called). I'm also going to make more of an effort to comment as well, especially after reading Jack and Jill's Post about it yesterday.
Meh. Only four weeks until I graduate. Let the countdown begin.
~R.
I want to write a lengthy post about some of the random thoughts I've been having this week, but I'm too far behind on work to allow myself anything but a few words here and to skim through some of the folks on my blogroll (I think that's what it's called). I'm also going to make more of an effort to comment as well, especially after reading Jack and Jill's Post about it yesterday.
Meh. Only four weeks until I graduate. Let the countdown begin.
~R.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Sleepy Post: Grateful
I bitch and complain. I fight with my emotions. I try not to get too close to people because of really stupid reasons that would sound even more stupid if I typed them out. But one thing I know with everything in me is that I love that girl. It's not a romantic love, not a "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" love, and I doubt it's even an unconditional love; but it's something that makes me want to see her happy. It makes me happy that she exists. It gives me warm, fuzzy feelings. And even though it breaks my heart to hear her being upset (even in the past tense), it makes me happy to know that she trusts me enough to talk to me. It's just nice to hear from her every now and again.
Despite all of this, or maybe because of it, I'm pushing her away. I'm afraid of fucking up. I'm afraid of losing her because I'm emotional, don't know how to back off, don't know how to talk, I feel stupid for telling her stuff, etc. I become afraid when I get this close to people. If I was on my shrink's couch (which is very plush by the way), I would say I never got over my dad's death or my mom being emotional unavailable early on then emotionally overwhelming later on or my feelings of abandonment by my siblings or whatever. In the grander scheme of things, though, all it means is that I'm probably going to casually lose touch with her like I've done with so many others before and this makes me really sad.
I just don't want to impose myself on people. And missing her hurts if I think about it too long. So I push it, and her, to the back of my head. She has her own life and I completely respect this. I'm just grateful that I got to be a part of it for a while.
---R.
Despite all of this, or maybe because of it, I'm pushing her away. I'm afraid of fucking up. I'm afraid of losing her because I'm emotional, don't know how to back off, don't know how to talk, I feel stupid for telling her stuff, etc. I become afraid when I get this close to people. If I was on my shrink's couch (which is very plush by the way), I would say I never got over my dad's death or my mom being emotional unavailable early on then emotionally overwhelming later on or my feelings of abandonment by my siblings or whatever. In the grander scheme of things, though, all it means is that I'm probably going to casually lose touch with her like I've done with so many others before and this makes me really sad.
I just don't want to impose myself on people. And missing her hurts if I think about it too long. So I push it, and her, to the back of my head. She has her own life and I completely respect this. I'm just grateful that I got to be a part of it for a while.
---R.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Sleepy Post: Boys, boys, boys
Luckily, I can orgasm again. It only takes a bit more effort (and equipment) than I'm used to, but it is indeed possible. And they're pretty strong, which I'm perfectly fine with. I can't have any regular "meh, it's okay for tonight" or "I'm bored/quickie" orgasms, but like I said, I'm not complaining. I do wonder if it would be possible to retrain myself how to have those again. Or at least, to be able to do it that hard more frequently. Sounds like another good experiment to try out. What? It's science!
I had lunch with a male today and it made me incredibly happy. We only spent a little over an hour together, but I'm really eager to see him again. We talked about our respective lives, religion, morals, and mortality. I have no idea how we began on the conversation, but I was so surprised how open he was about his thoughts. His honesty was refreshing and a bit exciting. He is incredibly intelligent, attractive and conscientious. On top of that, he's an artist. I could easily see myself dating him, but I worry that my gender presentation would stop him from considering me a potential partner.
So I occasionally enjoy to cross dress. It's just a fact of life. I like gender bending and I find women in men's clothing near the height of sexiness. I guess I started cross-dressing as a way to reinvent myself after my last relationship. I never really felt attractive when I was with my ex so dressing more butch was a way for me to rebel against conventional feminine beauty and to discover my own self-worth. I gained a lot of self-esteem doing that because I finally began to recognize how cute I am. Unfortunately, women who dress like men are usually pegged to be masculine themselves. While this is generally true, I am definitely an exception.
Presently, I feel like I've settled into a more tomboy style that I think shows off both my femininity and masculinity. I definitely feel like a woman, whatever that means, and I am very much attracted to masculinity of either gender, but I'm not sure how that's going to come across to him. It seems to me that most people that buy into the machismo of masculinity, don't want to date someone who is also masculine. This is one of the big reasons why I don't date now. I really like this guy though so I plan to talk to him about it soon. Hopefully, he would be okay with it, but I'm not going to get my hopes up.
---Rogue
I had lunch with a male today and it made me incredibly happy. We only spent a little over an hour together, but I'm really eager to see him again. We talked about our respective lives, religion, morals, and mortality. I have no idea how we began on the conversation, but I was so surprised how open he was about his thoughts. His honesty was refreshing and a bit exciting. He is incredibly intelligent, attractive and conscientious. On top of that, he's an artist. I could easily see myself dating him, but I worry that my gender presentation would stop him from considering me a potential partner.
So I occasionally enjoy to cross dress. It's just a fact of life. I like gender bending and I find women in men's clothing near the height of sexiness. I guess I started cross-dressing as a way to reinvent myself after my last relationship. I never really felt attractive when I was with my ex so dressing more butch was a way for me to rebel against conventional feminine beauty and to discover my own self-worth. I gained a lot of self-esteem doing that because I finally began to recognize how cute I am. Unfortunately, women who dress like men are usually pegged to be masculine themselves. While this is generally true, I am definitely an exception.
Presently, I feel like I've settled into a more tomboy style that I think shows off both my femininity and masculinity. I definitely feel like a woman, whatever that means, and I am very much attracted to masculinity of either gender, but I'm not sure how that's going to come across to him. It seems to me that most people that buy into the machismo of masculinity, don't want to date someone who is also masculine. This is one of the big reasons why I don't date now. I really like this guy though so I plan to talk to him about it soon. Hopefully, he would be okay with it, but I'm not going to get my hopes up.
---Rogue
Monday, April 2, 2012
The Little Orgasm That Could
I can't orgasm anymore! Well... not completely anyway.
I'm on a new medicine that has a particularly nasty side effect of decreasing sexual desire and/or the ability to orgasm. Guess which of the two I got? It may actually be both, but I wouldn't be able to tell. I don't think I've ever had a particularly high libido. Before now, I would masturbate or have sex because it felt good or I was bored or I needed to go to sleep or concentrate. I would get excited randomly, but it didn't happen enough for me to notice a difference if it slowed down.
I tried to orgasm last night and it was such a strange experience. It was like all the signals that my neurons were supposed to fire off didn't quite make it to my brain. The sensations were weak, but I still knew I was having them.... It was a ghost orgasm! I tried again today with a little more success (possibly making a few people a bit uncomfortable in the process). The stronger surges definitely hit, but it quickly faded if I didn't keep concentrating.
It's definitely weird, but I'm going to be on the meds for at least a month to see how they work and if my body finally adjusts to them. Some women can regain their orgasms after a while on the stuff so there's still hope. If not, most people seem to get back to normal after they stop taking them (though it may take a while). Either way, I'm not too worried. If anything, this seems to be the perfect time to experiment. I still get sensations and the stronger ones are enough for me to feel so maybe I can figure out how to have stronger orgasms. Probably not, especially with what I'm working against, but I'm going to try anyway. I have nothing to lose.
Also this is the first post of April!
---Rogue
I'm on a new medicine that has a particularly nasty side effect of decreasing sexual desire and/or the ability to orgasm. Guess which of the two I got? It may actually be both, but I wouldn't be able to tell. I don't think I've ever had a particularly high libido. Before now, I would masturbate or have sex because it felt good or I was bored or I needed to go to sleep or concentrate. I would get excited randomly, but it didn't happen enough for me to notice a difference if it slowed down.
I tried to orgasm last night and it was such a strange experience. It was like all the signals that my neurons were supposed to fire off didn't quite make it to my brain. The sensations were weak, but I still knew I was having them.... It was a ghost orgasm! I tried again today with a little more success (possibly making a few people a bit uncomfortable in the process). The stronger surges definitely hit, but it quickly faded if I didn't keep concentrating.
It's definitely weird, but I'm going to be on the meds for at least a month to see how they work and if my body finally adjusts to them. Some women can regain their orgasms after a while on the stuff so there's still hope. If not, most people seem to get back to normal after they stop taking them (though it may take a while). Either way, I'm not too worried. If anything, this seems to be the perfect time to experiment. I still get sensations and the stronger ones are enough for me to feel so maybe I can figure out how to have stronger orgasms. Probably not, especially with what I'm working against, but I'm going to try anyway. I have nothing to lose.
Also this is the first post of April!
---Rogue
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