Hello World (Redux) + TMI

After going on an unexpected hiatus, I'm back! I moved into a new apartment, got another job, made some new friends, and discovered my inner bitch. I still have no idea what the hell I'm doing with my life, but it's not such a big deal right now.

Anyway, to celebrate my return, I'm going to do the TMI from Sept. 11th:

The Big O

1 – Do you remember your first orgasm? How old were you? Tell us about it.

I do remember my first orgasm. I was ten. It scared the hell out of me (afterwards). Before it happened, I wasn't particularly sexual. I was curious about sex in a "exploring bodies" kind of way, but it was all looking and maybe some poking around, but nothing else. The orgasm came more or less spontaneously around the same time as my first period. I was in the bathroom when this feeling shot up from my pussy and slowly spread into the rest of me. I'd never felt anything like it before. It was incredible and, even better, it lingered. Later on (it may have been right after the orgasm) I noticed blood in my underwear. Later still, I found out that some women get incredibly horny before their periods and I just happened to be one of those lucky few. For the next year or two after that, I spent very many frustrating hours trying to recreate the experience at will. I'll still get so excited that I'll come accidentally, but I have a much better control over it thanks to those first experiences.

2 – What is your favorite way to orgasm? (Sex, g-spot/p-spot, oral, etc).

I really, really, really enjoy being fingered. Like, really. I'm usually not very vocal in bed, maybe some light moaning or heavy breathing every now and again, but I become a screaming banshee for a few skilled fingers. If you do the "come-hither" motion while inside me, I'll probably try to bite or scratch you (in gratitude, of course). I still need my clit stroked in order to come, but when everything is working in harmony, it's always one of my more stronger and surprising orgasms. Surprising because sometimes I'll also squirt, but I usually don't know beforehand if that will happen.

3 – Are there any ways you want to experience an orgasm but haven’t yet? (oral, p-spot/g-spot, with or without a vibrator, squirt, etc).

I want to have an oral orgasm, preferably while sitting on someone's face. I was really close to having one with my ex, but she ruined it by talking (insert joke about not talking with your mouth full). Call me a control freak, but I loved the feeling of being on top and riding her tongue.

4 – Have you ever had an orgasm in your sleep?

Yep. It was the strangest thing because I don't even think I was dreaming about anything particularly sexy. The orgasm stretched out and I woke up near the end of it. I've only done it twice, but both times felt amazing.

5 – What is the easiest/fastest way for you to have an orgasm?

My clit. If she's happy, then everything else falls into place.

6 – How many times a week do you try to reach orgasm?

I shoot for seven times a week, or about once a day. It's the best way to get me to fall into a deep relaxing sleep at night. I'm also a huge fan of morning orgasms so if I can get one in before work, all the better (and apparently if I wake up before a certain time and don't get off, I'll stay horny throughout most of the day, which sucks).

7 – Have you ever had an orgasm at the same time as your partner? Who normally cums first?

Nope. Never given or received an orgasm with a partner. It's something I'd like to remedy in the near future.

8 – Can you have multiples?

I did it once and have never been able to again. I really don't remember what I was doing then.

9 – How long does it normally take you to reach orgasm?

Depends on how excited I am. Sometimes I'll get so excited that I can't control it at all (these are usually unsatisfying orgasms though), in which case about five minutes or less from the initial stimulation. I try to shoot for at least 10 to 15 minutes though to give myself a chance to adequately build up tension and stuff. The longer I can hold out, the better the orgasm is usually.

10 – Have you ever faked one?

Yep. I faked a lot of times with my ex, just so she would leave me alone. On a happier note, I used to fake orgasms over the phone to get my friend off, which usually led to a real (and way less vocal) orgasm for me after she came. 

————-

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblogfrom your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Running with Wolves

Yesterday, I called off an interview and hung out with a semi-new friend. I don't call off interviews because I need a new job, but I really didn't want that job anyway. It was at a grocery store. The pay is good and the work wouldn't be too boring, but I would be less embarrassed to tell people I'm a dominatrix, which I almost applied for - I still might actually.

Anyway, I went out with this friend to her friend's place, an hour away from everything I'm used to. Her friends are super friendly. I've only hung out with them a few times and they are already very affectionate and warm. I really enjoy that. After being around really uncomfortable people for so long it's nice to sit back and make really inappropriate jokes with people. Her friends are also kinda hot. I've already slightly hit on two of them and I'm seriously trying to figure out how to sleep with the third.

There are three girls and two guys in her group that I've met more than once so far. The boys are so nice! There's one with a beard who tickles me just to make me jump. He so sweet and completely dateable. The other is a total gamer and is on his computer most of the time that I'm there, but he seems happy to share certain... uhm, substances if one asks.

All three of the girls are incredibly hot in a very geeky, socially awkward way. All are vaguely bisexual. One is small, but not tiny, and very bouncy, happy, and fun. The other two are around my height and curvy. They both also like to walk around braless after taking a shower. And of course, since I'm a teenage boy (I'm not) there was an instant tent in my pants. Warm, slightly wet girls walking around very obviously without bras and who smell like they just stepped out of the shower (because they did) apparently turns me on. Who knew?

The teenage boy in me thinks that one of them is interested in me because of the way she watched me all night. And the braless hug at the end that she bounced into. And the stomach flashing that edged up a little higher than necessary, but too low to see anything good (see? teenage boy). There are slight moral problems with messing with any of them, of course, -- I'm the new guy, she's one of the friend's ex, she kinda only wants to use me to experiment, it wouldn't go anywhere beyond sex, etc., etc. -- but teenage boy boner knows no morals (so long as she happily consents of course). The best thing though is that 1) I wouldn't be afraid or ashamed to tell my friend about my interest and 2) I feel like I could actually do it ("it" being talking to the girl in question, making a move, and finally the "it" of the innuendo).

Boners and cute, awkward girls aside, they are a really nice group of folks. Even if sleeping with on of them would be a social or emotional misstep, I don't feel like it would affect my relationship with any of them too drastically and I love this. There's a lot of freedom in the ability to make mistakes. And boy am I ready to start making some bad decisions!

~R.

Guess Who's Back (for Today)

Once again, I am without the internet. I'm going to lose it again on Monday, which brings me today's topic: Should I get an apartment?

Recap: Life sucks. I hate my job so much that I cry before going in. My mom is being a type A bitch (it really depends on the day, but lately it's been too much for me). I'm not making nearly enough money (I had a bad week and it's freaking me out how unstable my finances are). I've been applying to jobs until my eyes bleed and I've been getting a lot of interviews, but no offers, which is incredibly disappointing. I'm usually joking when I say this, but I'm really thinking about going into debt so I can get a job to help pay it off.

On the bright side, I settled on more than a few life and career goals. For now, I want to work in the IT industry and I'm working towards the necessary certifications - the stuff is really interesting and I'm confused, but happy. In the future, I want to go back to school and get my PhD in Psychology. Right now, I want the end of the degree to be clinical work, but I will try to supplement it with organization stuff in case I need to get a foot in the private sector. I'm putting off the next degree because I really don't want to be 30 and thinking "What the hell have I done with my life." I'm barely into my 20s and already thinking it. I also found two more months worth of meds while I was cleaning up my room (I forgot I had them fill that prescription early) so I have a bit of extension while I wait on my health care stuff to kick in.

With all these things in mind, an awesome opportunity opened up, namely an apartment. A friend of mine had to move so there's an opening at her old apartment. The place is absolutely gorgeous in a really good part of town. The rent is 400/month ABP, which is way too good to be true (the catch is I'll have roommates, but I'm okay with this). The lease begins in September, but they would like me to move in now, which I'm perfectly capable of doing. The only reason I'm thinking about it is because I recently applied for an entry level pc tech job with my friend who just got hired on with the company himself. The pay would be a little less than double what I make now and includes benefits, travel, and awesome schedule flexibility. I had the phone interview last week and they are supposed to call me about a face-to-face interview for this week (if I made it through the initial screening that is). Now if all goes perfectly, then I'll get the job around the same time I'll be moving into the apartment. It would be an amazing scenario, but way too close for comfort for little old me.

On the other side of the world, another company has placed it's bid with me. They're flying me out to see their corporate offices in the next two weeks (around the time I find out if the pc tech job wants me). If they offer me a position (which I won't know for two weeks after this last interview), I'll be moving out there with a pretty hefty starting salary (the catch is that they will most likely overwork me and there's no real room for growth).

I want to stay in my home town, but if I have to stay with my mom, I'll go bat shit crazy. Besides, I would feel much more comfortable starting a relationship if I had my own place to stay. I feel like I'm settling by being at home. It makes me feel sad and stifled.

If I move into the apartment, I would have to turn down the out of state company because I would be signing a year long lease. I would also need to turn up the heat on the job search or risk ruining my credit and my roommates' housing. I'm also worried about how fast this is all going. Part of me is resistant to the move.

If I give up the out of state job, I would be giving up the security of a good income. I've already told myself that if I didn't find anything by the time they made an offer, I would take it. On the other hand, there's no telling if they'll actually offer me a position.

I've been looking for a job off and on since the end of June. The whole process makes me horribly anxious. I've been dealing with the anxiety in small ways, but it still comes up. Yesterday, I was so depressed I couldn't get out of bed. Today, I put in over 40 applications to various places from movie theaters to insurance companies. The problem is that, each company could individually turn me down. I'm seeing this from a statistical point of view of "I applied to 40 places, one has to hire me." The jobs, no doubt, are seeing it from the POV of "We have X hundred candidates, we need to hire one." Even worse, is that lack of feed back. I've had places turn me down because I was "overqualified" for a position, which I guess means they're afraid I'll ask for more money. I have almost didn't get my second of last job (and probably lost a recent full time job) because they were afraid I would prefer to go to school than to work.

I don't know. I'm leaning towards taking the apartment, praying for the tech job, and turning down the oos job. That would be my best possible scenario, but I'm so scared that it won't work out like that. Life rarely does. I'm not fully prepared for a new apartment, but I'm definitely ready to leave my mom's house. I'm hoping that the jolt will wake me out of the depression. Either that or it's going to make everything worst.

Geeze man. This blows.

TMI Tuesday: Playtime

That time of the week again!

1. DARING: What are your 50 shades?

1. I enjoy the idea that my partner wants to inflict pain on me that:
a. makes me curious
b. is titillating and sexually arousing
c. that leaves me screaming and/or crying because that’s the way I like it

I'm not sure if I would call myself a masochist, but I do get turned on by certain types of pain, especially long, slow, and hard scratches. But I have to be in the mood for it, otherwise it just hurts.

2. Do you like being forced to dress or act in a way that is humiliating? If yes, please describe. If no, why not?

Nope. That doesn't appeal to me at all. My ego is too sensitive for something like that so it would probably piss me off more than it would turn me on.

3. Do you like seeing bruises, scars, or marks that were caused during sex on either you or your partner? What kind of marks?

YES! That was my favorite part about being with my ex. She was a huge masochist and loved for me to bite her and stuff. If she didn't pressure me into so much of that stuff I probably would have enjoyed it more. But anyway, whenever there was a scar or bruise on her the next day (and she was prone to bruise easily) she would proudly display it to anyone who'd look -- much to my embarrassment at the time. For me, I have this strange obsession with the body healing itself, so seeing marks that I've made or that were made on me is very sensual.

4. Would you like to be forced to do sexual things that you don’t necessarily like to do? Yes or No.

No. If I don't like to do something, then I don't like to do it. I'm very much willing to negotiate my limits, but to be outright forced to do something I don't like (necessarily or no) is the fastest way to get me to cool off (I learned this from the same ex in #3). BUT! I like the idea of being seduced into doing something I wouldn't normally do. Any type of public sex tends to fall under this category. I like the idea of being so turned on by a partner that I'd have to have him/her right then and there.

5. Do you want to be forced to watch your lover with someone else? Yes, No or It depends.

Nope. Once again, being forced to do stuff isn't really sexy to me.

6. What dirty (sometimes inappropriate) things do you like to say to your sexual partner?

I've never really done a lot of dirty talk with a partner. When I used to have phone sex, the girl I was on the phone with did all the talking while I provided the... um, sound effects. I do enjoy hearing it though. Well, only if it's good.

Bonus: Finish this statement: I like being powerful in bed because I like to tease.

————-

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblogfrom your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Family and Career

Who would have thought looking for a job would bring me closer to my family?

If you haven't read about it already, I have some depression issues. I was on medication for a while, but had to stop because I just don't have the means to access them anymore. I don't really know when I really started being depressed, but I only started treatment for it because it started to affect my school life. Of course, I completely ignored all the emotional stuff going on in the background. Well one of those emotional things had to do with my feelings of isolation. I never really felt like I belonged anywhere or to any group. I was always cobbling one together. I don't think I mentioned this elsewhere, but I'm the youngest of like four other kids. And I'm the youngest by like a little more than a decade (I was my parents' surprise). I always felt left out and different from my siblings. Granted, age probably played a role in it, but for the most part they really don't contact me or talk to me and it makes me feel pretty ignored and abandoned. So I put all my energy into friends with whom I've played out this same scenario. Needless to say, I was pretty unhappy about with my life.

Fast-forward. I graduate and the blues are kicking my ass pretty hard. I don't tell anyone about my graduation until the very last second. Only my mom and two brothers were able to come to the graduation, but I got congrats all around. There was also a little episode that I could mention here about a post-grad party with my friend/fellow grad that pissed me off some, but I'll save that for never. Anyway, I break and freak out for a month, work like crazy for a month, and here I am now trying to figure out my next steps. In one way, things have been much more frantic because I'm regressing back to my old habits, but in other ways things have gotten a bit better. For starters, something is changing about me socially and personally. I'm not sure what. I spend more time with my friends because I have more time to give them, but it feels like people invite me to more things too. I feel like I'm meeting more people who I can have fun with. I'm growing more of a personality. I found out that I like rpgs and trip hop....

In the midst of all this, my sister actually talked to me today. This is the same sister who tried to prematurely out me to my family a few years ago. I'd always been okay with my sexuality so long as it was private. At that time I was just getting the feel a public sexuality. (The sad thing about being anything other than straight is that your sexuality becomes an open forum of judgments, false information, well meaning allies who end up being incredibly hurtful people, etc.) I'd rather not go into it here, but let me just say that at the time that was the single worst type of betrayal I could imagine from anyone. You can understand that I was feeling very much ostracized (a scenario that replayed itself again a few months later). Well she called me today and we had the longest conversation we've had since my freshman year of college. It was all because I needed a job.

I don't know if I forgive her. I can give her second chances all day, but forgiveness is something that's hard for me sometimes. I can hold on to stuff, especially if I don't get the chance to get my side out and make whoever see how they hurt me. But I realize that this is something that doesn't or can't always happen. It does make me view my relationship to my family differently though. My sister only called today and talked to me because for that brief instance we actually had something to talk about. It was one of those rare times when our two worlds intersected. I think I can understand why my other siblings don't exactly talk to me. We don't have anything in common. I'm a pierced, socially liberal, precocious queerosexual who wants to get into entertainment and hang out with hot tattooed girls who want to make out with me. They're... everything but. They're more standard edition types and the ways that they deviate from that don't interest me at all. Talking between us (including my mom) is more of a battle than I ever recognized.

So there's that. It makes me feel a little better to think that the only reasons they didn't talk to me or even try was because they wouldn't have known where to begin. I mean I wish they would have tried more. I would have tried with them and I probably wouldn't feel so much like this, but there's nothing much I can do about the past. I can only try to make the present better.

~R.

Oh yea...

...I got off the meds. That's why I feel this way and stuff. Shit. I need to get insurance or something soon.

~R.

Bored

Guess I'm having another existential crisis, but in the last few weeks (has it really been that long? maybe less?) I've been putting out applications to as many places as I'm qualified for and a few that I'm not. In fact, I'm going to interview for a position that I'm not totally qualified for tomorrow. The problem is that I realize that I put the same sort of all-encompassing focus into my job hunt as I did in school. In other words, I'm replacing one addiction for another. I don't know how I feel about this. I'm afraid I don't know how to relax. After talking to a friend, I think the reason I don't have a significant other is partially due to that. Well, that and because I'm not stable. Even with my last romantic interest, if it had actually gone anywhere, where would I have taken her? Sure as hell not to my mom's house or a dorm room like apartment or an actual dorm. Hell, I even feel guilty when I spend my time writing. So guilty, in fact, that I haven't done it since I started the job hunt. I really have no idea what the fuck I'm doing with my life or time.
In other news, I found out I like trip hop.

~Rogue

Career Considerations

I'm going to be a professor of something one day and it bugs the hell out of me. When it comes to jobs out in the world, the only other things that interest me are tech, law, and film and media. And when I think about it, it's not surprising I'm interested in them. Each of these things are interesting only because they involve the active engagement of the theories that surround them. Under any one, I would always be conscious of the history and future of my craft. It would be far more likely for me to have stimulating conversations and, in some ways, I'd possibly be able to make an imprint on someone somewhere. And when I think of jobs, those are really my only requirements. I don't actually care about money any more than having what I need to support myself. Academia satisfies all of those things as well, but you actually have to get up in front of a crowd and teach, which scares the flying crap out of me.

Like any career, it has its own setbacks. The publish or perish thing is a big one. So is dealing with administration, tenured profs, stupid hierarchy, the utility of your field or research, egos, teaching... the list goes on. I can see myself getting way stressed out about doing research and constantly doing academic writing. And as much as I love theory, I need theory to be grounded in the real world. I need to know that what I'm writing or researching will actually have an impact on someone somewhere. That's my driving force, to leave my imprint on life. Another problem with academia, as with most anything I'd imagine, is that there's so much pressure on you that doing "noble" work seems too optimistic. When I say noble, I mean doing those things that make you an authority on something and then using that authority to create positive change. I guess I'm friends with a group of new professors and watching what they deal with daily makes me wonder how they get anything done.

In all honesty, I started the depression medication because of my anxiety about working and not because of any emotional problems I have. Dealing with my dad's death or my mom's mental whatever-the-fuck-it-is or my sibling's absence in my life or whatever really doesn't effect me in the same way as the career thing. Probably because I can actually control which career I go in to. I believe that the right career would make me happy because it would put me around the right kinds of people, which, I guess, would be my real source of happiness. Well, the right kinds of people along with stimulating conversation. When I think there has to be more to life, the "more" that I think about is the discussion of life itself. Hell, even my romantic interest in people is heavily influenced by whether they can provide that "more".

This blog has really been nothing but the expression of that obsession because I fear monotony more than anything else. The problems I have with my friends and family, the feelings of being disconnected with the rest of the world - it all seems to arise from the fact that I'm afraid of being bored, of being stuck in a life that has no inspiration in it. I look around and see so many people live such uninspired lives and I wonder how they do it, if it bothers them, but it always seems like they don't mind. Like it's just me. And, in a way, it is. What I enjoy the most, they don't get. But what they enjoy the most, I don't get. It doesn't mean that I'm unusual as a universal fact, it just means that in this context, I'm very out of place.

~R,

Things I Really, Really Want

1) A job in film, preferably doing something with video editing.
2) A girlfriend.
3) To make out while being fingered (isn't dependent on #2).
4) To learn how to swim and ride a bike.
5) To make a music video (or nine).
6) To find a place to skateboard and jump rope.
7) Many many cuddles.
8) To spend a week in Canada or at least a month out of the States.
9) To go to a sex club, dungeon, or munch.
10) To actually have one or two of the things on this list, especially #3.

~R.

Quick TMI

That time of the week folks! And guess what? My interwebs are working (for now)! It's going to be a quick one because I have an interview tomorrow (yay!) and I'm also in need of a little tlc.

This week’s questions are republished from November 23, 2010.

1. Have you ever shared sleeping accommodations with someone of the opposite sex without anything steamy happening?

Nope. Usually my sleeping accommodations are with the same sex and the steamy depends on the girl. Haven't had one hold me down and make out with me just yet, but I'm still young. Stuff can still happen.

2. Have you ever streaked, flashed, or otherwise partially or totally exposed yourself in public before (or after) an informal, unofficial gathering of people?

Nope, but after this last piercing, I've been thinking about doing it a lot more.

3. Have you had dates with multiple people in the same weekend (or consecutive nights or the same night) while not all of your dates were aware of your actions?

Nope. Never actually dated. Unless you count the (mostly) platonic dates I go on with friends, then yes. I am very much guilty of that.

4. What is the most “romantic” you have ever gotten in a movie theater?

Not at all actually. I like watching movies and I'd rather do that when I go. Now if you ask me how "romantic" I've gotten while on the phone or driving a car, then I could tell you some things.

5. Have you ever had sex when you knew a non-participating adult was watching?

Nope again. Never had a watcher, unless you count that pseudo-threesome we had. But even then, I think any watching that happened was only to see if the other person was finished (we were sharing a girl, it was weird and I promise a lot more tame than it sounds). Other than that, when I did have sex, we always did it within earshot of my ex's roommate. Loudly and on purpose. That girl was so annoying.

————-

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblogfrom your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Spoke Too Soon

So my internet is playing a game with me. One minute it's up and perfectly fine. The next, it's like I never gave it a loving home. I did break down and call tech support. Paul helped me. He was a nice man. Annoying, but nice. He got me connected and running smoothly for about four hours. Then no more connection. It was only by chance that it's up now. Meh.

Recap of the past and current month (in no real order):

Still in the midst of a job search. Turned down one position, going through the motions of the other even though I'm not sure if I want it now. It's a a soul eater (career job) and I'm definitely not ready for a career anything right now. It would require relocation, which is exciting, but I feel like I should stay put and work on getting video and design experience. I applied for like ten more in my area, all mostly part time. Went on only about two interviews in all this time. I'm still trying to learn graphic design at the job I work now, but I really need to pull in a bigger check. A second job is definitely in order.

Going to my first class in baby film school this weekend, which I am uber excited about. The course is in editing so I get the chance to see if that should really be my focus or not. Just from my own research into these careers it seems like a good fit, but having real experience with it would be a better judge of it.


May have broken off a friendship. Or maybe it's just something that I'm considering doing. If nothing else, I really do need to reevaluate the friend's place in my life. It's not really a big dramatic thing because this is mostly going to be an internal change, but if we lose touch in the meantime, I'm not going to worry over it. We both know where I am in this and it'll probably be better for the both of us. I need to talk to her before I make any real changes, but I already have a feeling about how this is going to end.


Flashed myself a few more times in the mirror. It's healing very nicely. Barely touching it gives it a quick rise. Usually, it takes a bit of coaxing.


Getting off the meds and actively working through my depression issues. Getting off of them is more of a "I don't have the means to stay on them" kind of thing right now. So it'll be better for me to wean off them with the ones I have left instead of waking up one day and realizing that I'm all out. Because that would suck. Majorly. Instead, I figure that I should be more active in trying to work through my depression. I had a major episode a couple of weeks ago that ended with me writing out a bunch of stuff, blowing up on one friend, and bonding with another. Mostly, it seems like I have a lot of unresolved stuff with my family that I need to work on. It makes me think that that's where a big part of my loneliness and feeling out of place comes in from. If I could go back to therapy that would be much better, but until I get my medical stuff straightened out I'm kinda on my own so I'll probably be writing about a lot of it here.


And I made a sandwich to end all sandwiches. There was pesto involved. Speaking of food, I'm going to go cook. Until next time,
~R.

Success!

I have rescued my interwebs from the scourge of notworkingness! So far as I know, it should give me a steady signal from here on out. Many words shall be had and written -- mostly me working stuff out -- and, of course, more TMI Tuesdays.

Oh! I got my nipple pierced (again)! It looks wonderful. I can't stop flashing myself in the mirror. Hopefully, a vertical clitoral hood piercing will be next.
~Rouge

Absence

My internet at home is incredibly spotty. I've been trying to figure out how to maintain a signal, but nothing's worked so far. I can (and have been) reading the blogs easily enough, but posting things has been a bit of a hassle. And of course, I won't actually call customer service or tech support to fix the issue because, well, that would make sense.

My life on the other end of the screen has been boring more or less. I'm still struggling with being out of school and having so much time on my hands, but not exactly doing anything with it. I read, god do I read, whatever I can get my hands on. I still go out and visit with friends, which is always nice. And I work. My job offered me a more stable part-time position with them, which means my hours will be set in stone (I'll be pulling in a more respectable check, but I'll still need another job), and I get to learn the Adobe Creative Suite with them, which I think is awesome. I have the manuals to go along with the Suite, but it's really hard to concentrate on them at home. I'll retain certain background facts just fine (like stuff about vector v. bitmap graphics), but application stuff (like hot keys and the like) don't stick. I need to be able to do it while I'm learning it.

Sexually, I've been incredibly uninterested as of late. I just have no romantic or sexual interest in people right now. I still get excited and get off, but it's more like taking a bath or eating -- something I do because I need to. I still enjoy doing it, of course, but it's not a major thing. Even so, I've been having some very vivid submissive fantasies thanks in part to all the Domme blogs I read. And to top it all off, I got hit with a whip. Of course I enjoyed it, but it confused the hell out of me that my friend actually did it. I wonder what goes through that girl's head sometimes. I did finally ask her just how much I could touch her because the guessing game is really beginning to annoy me, but I haven't gotten a response. I find it so strange that of all of the people I know she would be the one I'd have the most trouble with regarding physical closeness.

I really want to learn a skill so I can get more interesting jobs. Right now, my mind is set on being a film editor. I like the idea of arranging images together to make a story. Luckily enough, the skills to be a film editor are transferable between film, television, and news so I wouldn't have to worry about a job as much. I just don't know how to get those skills except to go back to school. I would prefer to do an apprenticeship with an established company and learn through them, but everyone wants an experienced person. Actually, I would probably have time to do an internship now. I'll have to look into it. It would probably get me out of this pitying mood as well.

I'm going to post this before my internet boots me off again.
~R.

TMI Tues: The Most

Yay! I remembered to play this time thanks to Rhye's post at Skin & Lace. My phone screamed at me to read it, which scared me out of my sleep, lol. Anyway, without any further ado:

This week’s TMI Tuesday theme is…

We want to know what thing you’ve done the most times.

1. What sex position have you been in the most times?

Missionary, come to think of it. I really enjoy straddling a partner (esp, with a toy in tow) so that's where I end up most of the time. It's strange though because my favorite position is from behind. 

2. What book have you read …?

I usually don't read or watch things more than once, unless it's for school. In which case, I've read Fredrick Douglass's Narrative like 4 or 5 times. On my own though, I think I've read Oscar Wilde's Picture of Dorian Gray like twice and Francesca Lia Block Wasteland like 3 or 4 times. Wilde is a very witty man and Block's book was the first time I ever saw prose mix with poetry like that so I was enthralled. Years later I read Anne Carson's Autobiography of Red (which I've also read more than once) and felt the same kind of wonderment.

3. What movie have you watched …?

I'm not sure, but it would have to be between High Art and Imagine Me & You. Both center around women in really great ways (probably because one of the main characters in both is a lesbian). The first has a sad, but admittedly stupid ending. While the second is very upbeat and happy (with a strangely depressing message about heteros). If I had Lost and Delirious that would probably be on this list too. Piper Perabo is so frigging amazing and hot!

4. In the last week, who have you texted … ? (no names, list the relationship or type of person)

Probably my best male friend from college. He's really big on communicating so we talk and text more than I do with anyone else. A lot of my friends seem to like to talk in person, so if I call or text them it's to see when we can meet up.

5. In the last week, what food have you eaten …?

Sandwiches. I got tired of the lunch time McDonald's run at my job, so I've been bringing a lot of sandwiches lately.

6. Today, which website have you visited …?

Facebook, as always. 

7. When dining out, where have you eaten …?

This little cafe place near my school. It's a quaint little place with awesome cake. I have many fond memories of setting on their porch with friends chatting and people watching.

8. Which sex toy have you used …?

Do my fingers count as a sex toy? Because if so, they are hands down (teehee, pun) my most used AND favorite. I'm an incredibly tactile person and I feel a bit disconnected if I can't feel the parts I'm playing with (unless I'm wearing a strap, which is a completely different story). Other than that, I've used my rabbit the most.

Bonus:  Is there something you’d love to go back and relive in your sexual past?

(Thank you to Husband of Two Sexual Minds for this week’s bonus question)

There's a LOT of things I'd love to go back and relive, but of that I really miss playing in class. It was the mix of touching, teasing, doing things in public, the possibility of being caught and the funniness of playing off arousal that made me incredibly happy. Sex is fun and funny and goofy and yea, orgasm is serious business in its own right, but I don't think that should be the single and most important goal. Maybe my ideas about sex are too romantic, but I do miss having a partner that shared that ideology as well.

————-

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblogfrom your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Post (Coital) Interruptus

I need to get back on a regular schedule, but it's a bit hard to write when you haven't gotten off in a couple of days and most of your reading list includes (really, really good) sex blogs. So imagine that this is a full post with stories and jokes and entertainment while I go happily fap until I put myself to sleep.

Besos,

~Rogue

Behind and Tired

Hello there. It's been a while hasn't it? Well the interwebs are up and running at my house so yay for that. I've been running around and trying to keep busy -- finally applying for jobs and such -- and I've worn myself out by staying out of the house as much as possible. I am so very behind on everyone's blogs, but this gives me something to do on my off day. I skim through my list and peek and the different pages and get excited. There's some good stuff going on in blogger while I webless.

In other news, I got another piercing. This happened weeks ago, but I thought I'd mention it here. It was just another one on my ear. My nipple, clitoris, and tongue are all without metal for the time being. Although, I may have my nipple repierced again soon. I keep meaning to go do it, but I've been so busy lately. I should be getting my clitoral hood pierced on my birthday next month and I'm not sure when or if I'll get my tongue done. I only want to get it pierced if I absolutely have to take out my lip piercing. Otherwise, I'm not going to do it. I'm in love with my lip piercing and would be heartbroken to give it up.

The job hunt is going strangely well. I have mixed feelings about this because I partially don't want to work, but I do like nice things. Besides, I have this idea to drive across the US for maybe a month or two couch surfing and living in hostels just for the hell of it. I love driving and my sister is willing to rent me a car so it seems like a cool idea, but I would really need to start saving up for it. I also have another idea to start up a small business on my own, but I'm really not in the mindset for it. Call me overconfident, but it seems like too good of an idea and something that would actually work and make a good profit. Although I do plan to add business owner to my name one day, I'm just not ready for that now. I have friends who keep bugging me about it so it's probably going to be on my mind for a while. Especially with Pride coming up.

And I missed TMI Tuesday! Boo! That's really one of my favorite games to play on here. I may pick up some of the other ones later on.

Long ago I mentioned starting up a second blog and keeping this one for personal stuff (maybe sprucing it up a bit if I can ever figure out blogger). The idea has come back, but I think instead of blogger I'm going to move to wordpress. I don't know. I have a lot of ideas and want to do a lot of things but I'm slow about everything.
That's all for now. I'm going to go to bed and fall asleep playing sudoku.

~Rogue

Internetless

I do not have the interwebs at home. It's been a horrid few weeks but whatever; it should be back on soon.  In the meantime, major life lessons learned offline:

1) Medicine works best when you take it.
2) If you don't see them or hear from them for weeks at a time, then you probably shouldn't call them a friend (or at least understand what kind of friend they are).
3) Speed dating is both amazing and terrible.
4) Guys like me (crazy, right?), but I'd much rather have a girlfriend.
5) There's a 50% chance you'll get what you ask for; compared to a 0% chance when you don't ask.
6) It's bartender(ing?) season!
7) I am TERRIBLE at entertaining in medium sized groups... and making small talk about myself.
8) I should probably go to grad school for creative writing (because everything seems pointless if I can't chase after my dreams).
9) Programmers desperately need creative writers in the field -- at least to write their manuals.
10) Always keep the ones who call you just to see how you're doing -- even before they know something's wrong.

That's about it for now. I'm probably going to spend some time catching up on some other blogs (which I have missed so much!) and then head home. I need to put out some applications in tomorrow, but I keep forgetting to print my resume.

xox ~Rogue

Road Trips and New Projects

I went on the first road trip of the summer yesterday. It was pretty awesome, but incredibly tiring. I went with my best friend to see one of our other friends and her girlfriend. I missed them muchly. They took us all over their town and by the time we made it to the bar that night, I was totally wiped out. That didn't stop me from getting mildly drunk and playing word search. And even though I felt like I failed at keeping my bestie entertained, she (not so subtly) reminded me that she's not that high maintenance. So I played more word search and we left.

I needed the quiet today. Yesterday was filled with noise. People, cars, music, more people, indistinct chatter, everything. Lots and lots of noise. Today, there's nothing but calmness. Tomorrow, there will probably be more adventure. And maybe a kitten (which I'm highly allergic to)!

Given time alone, I see that I really don't write much. When I do write, I tend to write for hours or until I have to make myself go to sleep. Unfortunately, when I stop writing in the middle of a new project, it seems I won't remember where I was going with it. But I do seem to enjoy the revision process. I've been revising the same four pages for about a week now, but only because I don't know where to go anymore. I may switch over to another project until I figure that one out.

I'm adding bartending, programming, and nonlinear editing to my list of possible skills for the remainder of this month and the next. I may be getting my license to sell alcohol on Tuesday and starting bartending school next week. Or maybe this weekend, depending. I'm also going to try my hardest to get through my C++ book. It's a hefty book with a lot of technical jargon, but I'm going to try it out anyway. I want to see if I actually like programming things before I go to school in it. Towards the end of next month I plan to take a weekend class on Final Cut Pro X to see if I like it. Lots of experimental things going on in June if I actually do any of it.

As to romance, I think I'm making progress! Not with anyone, just with the way I see things. I always knew that I have to start asking for what I want, but I'm scared that it would change the way people see me. I've always been afraid that it would make them think that all I wanted from them was sex (or kisses or cuddles or whatever). Now I'm starting to see there's a difference between being gross and being genuine.

Saying something like, "You and I both know we're going to bang, so let's cut the crap and get to it" probably won't get me the response I want (not that I would ever say something like that, well, not usually). But maybe something like, "It's totally okay if you don't want to, but would it be okay if I kissed you right now" probably would. The point being that it's okay to find someone attractive. And it's okay to want to kiss them and cuddle with them. And asking for those things doesn't automatically make you a sleazy perv. Rudimentary, yes, but something I've never really wrapped my head around.

It's sad that I'm only now beginning to learn these things. But I did learn other totally awesome things, like reading and being open-minded! So I guess that evens things out some.

Anyway. I'm going to read some comics, maybe watch a movie, thumb through this big ass book and go to sleep. Hope everyone else is doing well too. Night!

~Rogue

Sleepy Post: Three of a Kind

Okay not to make any grand sweeping statements, but I'm never going to find anyone!

Silliness aside, here's my dilemma: there are three people who I want to make happy time with. All three are committed in one way or the other. One stimulates me mentally, mostly, the other two stimulate me physically. Of the two that stimulates me physically, one makes me feel emotional, the other, feral. I feel like all three like me in some way, but I'm terrible at reading signs so they all could just be incredibly friendly. Of the three, I'm only afraid of losing one, but I'm afraid of getting my butt kicked by the other's partner (not literally though). And I'd be afraid to break up the relationship of the last one. I only want to be in a relationship with one of the three  The other two spell disaster from a mile away. Let's break it down with letters!

Person A: Incredibly smart, stimulates me mentally in ways that only professors have been able to interest me, incredibly honest, open-minded, adventurous, spontaneous, wonderful sense of humor, experienced, settled, strong, could hold me down both mentally and physically, BUT has penis (which I'm not too big on at the moment).

Person B: Loving, sweet, funny, trustworthy, patient, sensuous, addictive, gorgeous BUT we're friends.

Person C: Innocent in a way that drives me crazy, kinky, sexual, open-minded, experimental, drives the blood straight into my pants at a moment's notice, BUT has a partner who I wouldn't be able to look in the face afterwards (unless I got permission beforehand).

I really couldn't imagine myself having sex with A because I can't get over the mental block of him having a penis. I really want to be with a woman at this point in my life, but if I ended up with him I would still be incredibly happy. He still has a nice body and I could learn to love his penis, I guess. I could definitely see myself lying in his arms and talking all night, but I would only want to do this if we got into a relationship. It would kill me to only be friends with him and be his cuddle buddy.

I go back and forth with whether I want to sex up B, because I enjoy her company more than I want her sex. The problem is that she is very seductive and I'm only mortal. She activates all of my senses. Part of me really doubts that she does it on purpose, but it still makes me want to jump her anyway. She would make both a good fuck buddy and cuddle buddy. I'm a bit confused about the logistics of our relationship, because she's definitely more butch than I am, but I also think that wouldn't be that big of a deal at all if we ever did anything. The problem is that I love having her as friend only. I don't know what sex (or cuddling) would do to our relationship and I'm pretty afraid of asking.

I definitely want to have sex with person C. I want to have wild, biting, scratching fun sex with C, but I actually like and respect her partner. I would want to wait until I got full permission before I did anything, even though I already know that the answer would be no because C's been pretty bad lately.  So fun time with (near) strangers is out of the question for now. I'm probably not going to see her for a while (meaning until next week) anyway so I should be fine. Even when I do see her, I'll make sure not to get her alone unless I've talked to her partner by then.

I'm uber concerned with sex right now because I haven't had any (even bad sex) for over a year and I really miss feeling other bodies. Besides that, I'm out of school so sex has been on my mind a lot. I've spent most of these last two days getting off. Anyway, I'm more interested in intimacy than just sex so that makes all of this harder. I feel bad because I've been using my friends as outlets for affection, but I'm not sure how far I can (or should) take it. Really, I just want full access to someone's body who consents to me being there. That would be awesome.

But I'm tired now so I'm going to stop. Good night, folks.
~R.

TMI Tuesday: Fancy Fancy

It's that time of the week again... (regular post shall follow)!

Thank you to Virtual Sin for this week’s TMI Tuesday.

FINE DINING

You are having dinner at the best restaurant you can imagine. Do not concern yourself with over-eating, or other restrictions. We want to know what you like best. What will you have for:

1. Before dinner wine, aperitif, or cocktail?

I would probably get a cocktail, maybe a martini. I don't really like wine, but I've only tried it once so far. Honestly though, all alcohols taste pretty bad to me.

2: Appetizer?

Bread...? I don't know.3. Soup?

I'm more of a salad girl actually. 4. Salad?

Mixed greens are my favorite, especially with pecans or walnuts and fruit. Yum!5. Wine or other beverage with dinner?

No thanks, water will be enough.6. Entree?

I'm terrible about giving the names of dishes, but I do enjoy chicken very much. So just about any dish with that I would gladly eat.7. Side Dishes?

Artichoke and squash sound good to me.8. Dessert?

Quite anything with chocolate on it. Bonus points if there is a warm chocolate and ice cream on the same plate.9. After dinner drink?

Sure. I don't mind drinking before and after dinner, but drinking with food doesn't agree with my stomach so much. Blame it on college.10. Which 3 people would you invite to dinner: (must be famous, well-known, living or dead, not fictional)

- For sex appeal: Meagan Good or Tina Fey  (funny + sexy = lady boner)
- For great conversation: Rachel Maddow or Wanda Sykes (smart + sexy = lady boner)
- Because you detest them: Rush Limbaugh (....ew)

Bonus: Your lover brings you breakfast in bed. What’s on the tray?

If it had to be food, then croissants, fruit and nutella. Otherwise, I'd rather just have them for breakfast. Morning sex is the best after all.

————-

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblogfrom your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!