Road Trips and New Projects

I went on the first road trip of the summer yesterday. It was pretty awesome, but incredibly tiring. I went with my best friend to see one of our other friends and her girlfriend. I missed them muchly. They took us all over their town and by the time we made it to the bar that night, I was totally wiped out. That didn't stop me from getting mildly drunk and playing word search. And even though I felt like I failed at keeping my bestie entertained, she (not so subtly) reminded me that she's not that high maintenance. So I played more word search and we left.

I needed the quiet today. Yesterday was filled with noise. People, cars, music, more people, indistinct chatter, everything. Lots and lots of noise. Today, there's nothing but calmness. Tomorrow, there will probably be more adventure. And maybe a kitten (which I'm highly allergic to)!

Given time alone, I see that I really don't write much. When I do write, I tend to write for hours or until I have to make myself go to sleep. Unfortunately, when I stop writing in the middle of a new project, it seems I won't remember where I was going with it. But I do seem to enjoy the revision process. I've been revising the same four pages for about a week now, but only because I don't know where to go anymore. I may switch over to another project until I figure that one out.

I'm adding bartending, programming, and nonlinear editing to my list of possible skills for the remainder of this month and the next. I may be getting my license to sell alcohol on Tuesday and starting bartending school next week. Or maybe this weekend, depending. I'm also going to try my hardest to get through my C++ book. It's a hefty book with a lot of technical jargon, but I'm going to try it out anyway. I want to see if I actually like programming things before I go to school in it. Towards the end of next month I plan to take a weekend class on Final Cut Pro X to see if I like it. Lots of experimental things going on in June if I actually do any of it.

As to romance, I think I'm making progress! Not with anyone, just with the way I see things. I always knew that I have to start asking for what I want, but I'm scared that it would change the way people see me. I've always been afraid that it would make them think that all I wanted from them was sex (or kisses or cuddles or whatever). Now I'm starting to see there's a difference between being gross and being genuine.

Saying something like, "You and I both know we're going to bang, so let's cut the crap and get to it" probably won't get me the response I want (not that I would ever say something like that, well, not usually). But maybe something like, "It's totally okay if you don't want to, but would it be okay if I kissed you right now" probably would. The point being that it's okay to find someone attractive. And it's okay to want to kiss them and cuddle with them. And asking for those things doesn't automatically make you a sleazy perv. Rudimentary, yes, but something I've never really wrapped my head around.

It's sad that I'm only now beginning to learn these things. But I did learn other totally awesome things, like reading and being open-minded! So I guess that evens things out some.

Anyway. I'm going to read some comics, maybe watch a movie, thumb through this big ass book and go to sleep. Hope everyone else is doing well too. Night!

~Rogue

Sleepy Post: Grateful

I bitch and complain. I fight with my emotions. I try not to get too close to people because of really stupid reasons that would sound even more stupid if I typed them out. But one thing I know with everything in me is that I love that girl. It's not a romantic love, not a "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" love, and I doubt it's even an unconditional love; but it's something that makes me want to see her happy. It makes me happy that she exists. It gives me warm, fuzzy feelings. And even though it breaks my heart to hear her being upset (even in the past tense), it makes me happy to know that she trusts me enough to talk to me. It's just nice to hear from her every now and again.

Despite all of this, or maybe because of it, I'm pushing her away. I'm afraid of fucking up. I'm afraid of losing her because I'm emotional, don't know how to back off, don't know how to talk, I feel stupid for telling her stuff, etc. I become afraid when I get this close to people. If I was on my shrink's couch (which is very plush by the way), I would say I never got over my dad's death or my mom being emotional unavailable early on then emotionally overwhelming later on or my feelings of abandonment by my siblings or whatever. In the grander scheme of things, though, all it means is that I'm probably going to casually lose touch with her like I've done with so many others before and this makes me really sad.

I just don't want to impose myself on people. And missing her hurts if I think about it too long. So I push it, and her, to the back of my head. She has her own life and I completely respect this. I'm just grateful that I got to be a part of it for a while.

---R.

Depressed

Today seemed normal. Woke up at the crack of noon, ran errands, went home, checked out some books, took care of some really important business that I've been ignoring, but the whole time I was choking back depression. I've been like this for the past week or so and it sucks.

It sucks because I have moments of happiness that are so bright sometimes it's blinding. There's so much I want to see and do and experience, but when I'm depressed I'm paralyzed in the same thoughts. Or thought. It usually hinges on the idea that "no one actually cares about me," which of course if a complete lie. But my depressed self asks, "Well if it's a lie, then why are you always alone?"

I spend more time alone than I'd care to admit. Sometimes it's refreshing, I need to recharge, but a lot of the time it's unwilling. No one ever invites me to just hang out at an apt/room/dorm/etc. to watch t.v. or a movie or to play a game. I only hear from people who I've called or messaged first. Except for one friend, who waits until I've posted some depressing status on facebook to remember that I exist.

The people I call "friends" all have other people and groups they hang out with and talk to much more frequently, but I'm usually, and very pointedly, left out of these dealings. Hell even when my "best friend" hangs out with me, it's always separate from any of her other groups. And she loves to remind me how I'm not in one group in particular. Granted I left that group on my own, but only because I felt like I wasn't welcomed there anyway. Apparently, I don't fit anywhere. It's like everyone already made their friends and I just missed out on that.

This makes me feel like shit. My siblings don't deal with me unless they need something or feel I'm not doing my daughterly duty to our mom, whom they've left me to care for emotionally. And more often than not, my "friends" call on me because they need someone to take them out of their humdrum daily life, or because they need a ride, or because no one else will listen to them, etc. There's always a reason. It would be nice to have a friend or two who talked to me just because. To update me on their life and who also want to hear about mine. No one has asked me "how was your day" since The Poet, about three years ago. That's fucking pathetic.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm doing something wrong with my life.  Maybe not. Whatever the case, it sucks.