Depressed

Today seemed normal. Woke up at the crack of noon, ran errands, went home, checked out some books, took care of some really important business that I've been ignoring, but the whole time I was choking back depression. I've been like this for the past week or so and it sucks.

It sucks because I have moments of happiness that are so bright sometimes it's blinding. There's so much I want to see and do and experience, but when I'm depressed I'm paralyzed in the same thoughts. Or thought. It usually hinges on the idea that "no one actually cares about me," which of course if a complete lie. But my depressed self asks, "Well if it's a lie, then why are you always alone?"

I spend more time alone than I'd care to admit. Sometimes it's refreshing, I need to recharge, but a lot of the time it's unwilling. No one ever invites me to just hang out at an apt/room/dorm/etc. to watch t.v. or a movie or to play a game. I only hear from people who I've called or messaged first. Except for one friend, who waits until I've posted some depressing status on facebook to remember that I exist.

The people I call "friends" all have other people and groups they hang out with and talk to much more frequently, but I'm usually, and very pointedly, left out of these dealings. Hell even when my "best friend" hangs out with me, it's always separate from any of her other groups. And she loves to remind me how I'm not in one group in particular. Granted I left that group on my own, but only because I felt like I wasn't welcomed there anyway. Apparently, I don't fit anywhere. It's like everyone already made their friends and I just missed out on that.

This makes me feel like shit. My siblings don't deal with me unless they need something or feel I'm not doing my daughterly duty to our mom, whom they've left me to care for emotionally. And more often than not, my "friends" call on me because they need someone to take them out of their humdrum daily life, or because they need a ride, or because no one else will listen to them, etc. There's always a reason. It would be nice to have a friend or two who talked to me just because. To update me on their life and who also want to hear about mine. No one has asked me "how was your day" since The Poet, about three years ago. That's fucking pathetic.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm doing something wrong with my life.  Maybe not. Whatever the case, it sucks.