Sleepy Post: Privacy, Fame, and the Public

There's a part of me that wishes to remain anonymous and under the radar. There's a certain freedom to it. I can create a blog like this, one that's very honest and self-conscious, without fear of repercussion. That is, without it affecting my "real" life in any palpable way. It's nice to have a space where you consider those things you don't really express in real life. On the other hand, I do want to be read. Maybe not for this blog, but some future endeavor, I'd like to write stuff for a nice core audience. Hopefully, I'd be able to strike a nice balance between "rock star literary figure" big (which is so rare anyway) and "only read in workshops" small.

I'm saying all of this because I'm really ashamed of that last post. I don't recognize myself when I get that low in depression. Everything hurts so much that I do anything for attention (except, you know, engage with others). But I think I spend so much time ignoring my own feelings that when I do get depressed, I'm forced to face up to all those little insecurities instead of handling them, or at least acknowledging them. Everything in that last post was true to me on some level, but I refused to acknowledge it. It makes life harder to wonder everyday if your friends really like you or if they're using you. I honestly think it's somewhere in between, but when I'm depressed all of those self-esteem issues come up. No one could possibly like me. I'm only good for X. Blah blah blah. All of which I understand as complete bs when I'm normal again.

Anyway, I'm glad that I can make the stupid mistake of writing something like that to a nonexistent audience and it not completely blowing up in my face. Granted, I made myself look like a jackass, but I'm learning. Besides, I have a feeling that if I do ever switch over to a new blog, I'm still going to write about depression. I'll just have to remind myself not to do it while depressed. And so I write this with the understanding that a large, overnight readership to this blog isn't really an imminent concern.  But after this week, I became aware of how easily people will judge you for very stupid things and a blog like this would especially be target to that.

In other news....

Things have been getting much better. Writing that last post made me reflect on things and finally go get some extra help for the depression. I still get sad, but it's been more of a cleansing sadness than that dark pit of doom that I go into sometimes. So that's good. I also miss a few of my friends whom I haven't seen in a while, but I think I'm going to leave that to post another day.

---Rogue