Sleepy Post: Grateful

I bitch and complain. I fight with my emotions. I try not to get too close to people because of really stupid reasons that would sound even more stupid if I typed them out. But one thing I know with everything in me is that I love that girl. It's not a romantic love, not a "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" love, and I doubt it's even an unconditional love; but it's something that makes me want to see her happy. It makes me happy that she exists. It gives me warm, fuzzy feelings. And even though it breaks my heart to hear her being upset (even in the past tense), it makes me happy to know that she trusts me enough to talk to me. It's just nice to hear from her every now and again.

Despite all of this, or maybe because of it, I'm pushing her away. I'm afraid of fucking up. I'm afraid of losing her because I'm emotional, don't know how to back off, don't know how to talk, I feel stupid for telling her stuff, etc. I become afraid when I get this close to people. If I was on my shrink's couch (which is very plush by the way), I would say I never got over my dad's death or my mom being emotional unavailable early on then emotionally overwhelming later on or my feelings of abandonment by my siblings or whatever. In the grander scheme of things, though, all it means is that I'm probably going to casually lose touch with her like I've done with so many others before and this makes me really sad.

I just don't want to impose myself on people. And missing her hurts if I think about it too long. So I push it, and her, to the back of my head. She has her own life and I completely respect this. I'm just grateful that I got to be a part of it for a while.

---R.